The news I was worrying about.. Came with a huge sigh of relief.
I spoke to the cardiologist, and -nothing- has changed in 3 years. He thinks in the long wrong this won’t bother me. I mean geez, this was found ACCIDENTALLY. 😛 .. I asked if the working out I am doing is okay, he said it’s fine.
So now I am up to have a scan every 2-3 years! Isn’t that fucking awesome? Yes, I am swearing. :P. I am SO grateful that nothing has changed in that department. Big, freaking sigh of relief.
I’ve been working out daily (except for days pain and my body goes OH HELL NO LADY!) and wasn’t sure if it was okay. So yes. A little bit of light in the negative aspect of this world.
I’ve been feeling kind of blah in the mental department. People keep bringing up old memories (things I don’t want to talk about..) .. and I kind of gotta stop myself from saying something.
Darryn was purchased an Ancestry DNA kit (I won’t go into specifics as to why .. not my story to tell.. ) and we were setting up the family tree. For one – Ancestry needs to make different options for “partner” They only consider you married. That’s bloody it. Even if you change it to partner (which isn’t easy to do, lemme tell you!) they still flag you as married. When I was filling out what I knew, Ancestry tried to say I was married to -everyone- I was listing. Okay yes, I made some odd choices in my earlier years. I WILL be the first person to admit this. I get it. I have 5 kids with 3 different men. So fucking what! I can’t change that, can I? No. Oi. It’s not like I planned for that to happen. Hell ask anyone who was around when I was a kid. I never EVER wanted to have kids. I would say that constantly. Due to my life, how horribly I was treated. I never wanted to bring an innocent into that mess. But, I did it. 5x .. and you know? I wouldn’t change it for the world.
But Ancestry kept insisting I was married to Darryn’s father. Not even remotely thinking (and with her sitting right here..shit. ) I kept saying “Oh hell no, no no no !” .. Of course Ancestry doesn’t give you an option for “Friends with Benefits” so I tried choosing just PARTNER. (Even though technically we were not partners, not “together” and yeah. Fuck the schematics.. It just wasn’t a usual relationship.. I mean the kid was conceived in the front seat of a Geo tracker for fuck sakes! lol..) and then it comes up with my name and his last name. No, we were never that close. So of course, I said (again not thinking!) “Oh no no no, no way, not even close!” .. Shit. My brain and my mouth stopped at that second. Darryn then says to me “Well I’d like to think in my mind that you guys were “together” instead of .. what actually happened .. Sure she can think that. I will never EVER take that away from her. Seeing as this was about her, I stopped myself. I have to keep my filters on at all cost. She doesn’t need to know the full round about way of things. No. Not now, not ever.
I just think I have over-protected that kid for the majority if not all of her life. Even though some shit has happened along the way.. She doesn’t need to think the negative of a positive situation. I mean without him I wouldn’t have her. Right? Right. Besides, she has people in her life who love her more than life itself. She doesn’t need to worry about the past. Only those who were involved at the time, need to be.
In the direction of away from DRAMAAAAZZZZZ…. I miss the beach. I need a long walk along the seawall something effin’ fierce. Fuck COVID man. When this nonsense calms it’s ass down, I need to go over to Vancouver. Or find a beach here and take a long walk. Away from everything. I need serious downtime , which I haven’t been able to have since COVID.
Everyone is feeling the pandemic smack ,that’s for sure. I almost feel like I was the majority of my childhood. Locked in a bedroom, with no pot to piss in.. big ol’ screw on the door to keep me inside. That’s how I feel and it REALLY sucks.
A actress I follow from True Blood wrote a IG post about mourning. She made mention of how she kept going during a death in her family. How we all mourn in different ways. It kind of struck a chord with me.
I had a friend die, like – how do you cope with that? I know we’re going into two years almost since it happened (man does time fly, geez..) . I really didn’t have anyone I could reach out to, to talk about it. I had to talk to a complete stranger, over a telephone. Seriously. Each person I tried to reach out to, reached out with a horrible snarky remark. Hell some don’t believe he’s dead. Like I really didn’t had anyone to help me mourn, ya know? I get the guy could be shitty sometimes (we all can be!) but damn. When I can finally travel, I am going to go up to Cache Creek and pay respects. Like – the fucking pandemic really makes one think. Up and down and around and through.
Right now I am listening to music, typing and trying to stop myself from crying. Nope, not gonna do it. Nope. 😛
Maybe just being emotional due to my shoulders screaming tonight. One feels like it’s loose in the inside. I am up for a x-ray soon, hopefully they can figure it out. Or not, hell they have been messed up for ten years now. So – doubt a new x-ray will discover anything new.
I thought about something tonight. All of the nonsense I have lived through in life.. Man, it would make a good soap opera.. With everything. Oi vey.
I need a breather. (I know, this is mainly I I I … horrid right?) I think the kids and I all need a breather. I just want to make sure it’s safe. I am glad they can get out every now and again.
I am REALLY cravin’ a cemetery walk. I need to do that soon. Turn off my phone and walk. Just walk.