Lots of walking.

Today I managed to walk and keep on my feet – from about what… 9:21AM to just before 1PM . To me, that is a accomplishment of some sort. Just because due to COVID, I don’t get to do the massively long walks I used to do.  Hopefully with people being vaccinated, this will happen sooner than later.

I miss walking home. I do! Even in the rain. It was rather soothing for me. In the place, I work out every single day. Except for today, all of the walking kind of took me down something fierce. Shoulders and knees were screaming. But I don’t care. I needed to do it, and I LOVED it!

Another night though of the cats… being cats. I made sure I played with Tashi especially yesterday. Nope, soon as I climbed into bed – instant wanting attention. Middle of the night fight. To the point where I had to chase Starr down the stairs, just so I could sleep. Tonight or tomorrow, shutting the door. They have never gotten along. There has been odd times where they manage to get along. Key word is “sometimes manage”. Starr has this thing of chasing either Benn or Tashi. Then standing at the top of the stairs meowing. Like loudly meowing. Bellowing, almost. Like “hey, what the hell” type of meow.

It’s cute in the middle of the day. It’s not very cute at 3am.

I know, I know someday we’ll miss this. When you’re exhausted, come at me for this haha.. 😛

I found these Pride Cat toys at Petsmart today, and of course I had to buy them! Starr LOVES the cute little mice. The other two not so much as of yet. Well hell, i think they are cute. The mice are in these cute little outfits. For cat toys, I think they did an amazing job.

I am glad I was able to do that exercise today.  I needed to just walk and burn it off. Then when I arrived home, I was needed for everyone else. Thank the gods tomorrow I don’t need to do anything for anyone. Aside from getting Bean off to school. Just – it’s hard sometimes ya know? 😛

Oh, I know what I did. I mixed a bit of purple with red hair dye. It looks more purple than red, but it will eventually fade. It’s only hair. Big whooooop 😛

Third set of Beats bluetooth quit working. I am -never- buying another pair of those. Ever. The bluetooth should not quit after a year! So for now, they are my computer headphones. I mean there isn’t anything physically wrong with them – except the bluetooth quit.

My left shoulder and arm have been screaming at me today. Between muscle twitches, the annoying pain searing down. I didn’t lift anything heavy. So what-the-eff … The right one is trying to join as well. It’s like living between two boxers or something. Nothing helps, except laying in bed under my weighted blanket. Even if I touch them, I feel like screaming. I think it’s the temp changing to be honest… as that’s when I feel it in my ankle (the one I fell on .. ) yeah, my body is a whole lotta OUCH. But worth it.

I know, it’s a “oh hell woe is meee!” post. Nah. Not woe at all . Pain is pain. I’ve lived with it for over ten years, (back a lot longer!) … I’ve lived with worse. 😛 Least we forget, nutcracker. 

Working out I am trying to make myself stronger. If I aggravate something, I stop. I know I am limited, and that’s okay. I push a little, but not enough to put my arse in the hospital.

I was asked by a person in line today – if I was vaccinated. Nope, not yet. I can’t do AZ (been told not to by a medical doctor..) so I have to wait. It’s fine. We’re still protecting ourselves. 

Oh ew. I just felt both shoulders, and I felt bone. BONE… ew. That usually means they are swollen. Gross ya out, I care not hahaha…

Couple of things I have heard in the past couple of days – have made me smile.  I won’t go into specifics, but I appreciated the thought and the kudos. So – thank you from who it was.  Same to the second person. 🙂

Kind of brings you up when you’re feeling a tad down. 

Someone tried to add me to a religious group on Instagram. Just – please – don’t do that. If and when I choose to follow a religion, I will add myself. I tend to stay away from organized religion. I believe in what I choose to believe in. Thanks. 

Trying to keep myself awake until at least 10. If it’s nice tomorrow, I might pull my ass out to a cemetery walk. If not, I will stay home and chillax. 

I’m so boring haha. Oh, I want more ink. Yes, yes I do.

Oh, and I still say Apple Watch doesn’t track right. Reason being? the amount of time I walked today was WAY PAST a half hour. It says I have only done 28 mins. Uh, fuck off. I have tried everything Apple says to do, and nothing fixes this. Its at 8,300 steps. Can you do that in 28 minutes? Is that possible?

Tech has glitches, it happens.

Ok going to listen to a bit more music, then head to bed. Figure out what I am going to do tomorrow. 




It’s been a hot minute since I have been in here. Just – way too tired and frustrated to think really.

I seriously pissed off my left shoulder .. and no amount of bio-freeze is helping. It’s alright, I will deal I alllways do. 

My house is a mess right now. I have a mini-staycation happening in two days (5 days off!).. I plan on doing some de-cluttering (even more so!) and trying to clean up hardcore. I say plan on, hopefully my shoulders allow me to do so. Also, I hope the cats allow me to sleep. I haven’t had a solid nights sleep in weeks now. Eh, well roughly two weeks. The cats keep coming in my room and picking fights. The last time it got this bad, I had to finally shut my door and leave them out. I opened it for awhile to see if things would change. Was fine for a couple of weeks – and now back to this nonsense. It’s so bloody frustrating!

Not complaining, just tired. That and I pissed off a muscle in my chest which isn’t making sleeping easy either (and no, not my heart.. haha!) Wait, two muscles. But worth it. 

I have had this thought running through my mind for days now.  “It’s none of your business what other people think of you.” . Also “Unless you’re paying their bills, paying their rent and buying them food, it is absolutely none of your business what a person spends their money on!”. 

I had a kind of disturbing comment said to me a little over a week ago. Kind of to be honest – rather insulting comment. It was said in a passive-aggressive way. But enough for me to as they say “grey rock” . (I honestly didn’t know this was a thing until a week ago. No judgments!) .. 

I really loathe saying this haha, but “I am too old for this shit!” .. I am not focusing on it, the comment just was a really intense lash. I’ll be completely honest – if this was even 10, 15 years ago? I would have lashed back. This time – I closed the window and walked away. 

I seem to distance myself when people are really verbally insulting. Like – people seem to forget that all of us have different priorities. Instead of judging, one should REALLY walk in another’s shoes for a year. That’s all I would ask. For one year. Live another persons’ life for ONE year. Raise their kids. Live how they live. Then judge. Until then – unless it’s helpful? Please just shut the fuck up.

I go through months literally hating my name from past experiences. From the consistent bullying and abuse I received as kid (and even now!)… and then I get a “wow, I totally love your name!”..and then that switch goes off. To be honest, I still want to change my name. It’s been a thing in the back of my mind for decades. Seriously – decades. Anyone who has been close to me would know this. Right now, I only use what I want it to be – online -. People ask, and i make up a bullshit excuse about it.  I mean hell, people change their names all of the time. 😛

I want more ink. Seriously. I have ideas. Lots of them. 😉 Random, I know.

Kind of saddened that LA will be called off again this year. It’s just, I can’t risk it. There’s a few concerts heading that way too..but I can’t do it. I won’t risk my life and the lives of my kids … to take a break.

I think on my staycation (if the weather isn’t shit).. I’ll go wander over to that cemetery I haven’t walked before. Or maybe back over to Ross Bay? We shall see. Or I’ll just stay at home haha. I just booked the days off because I need time to think. 😛 Hell I could disappear in a cemetery and no one would find me.

I came across an old former friend of an ex (my first ex… hot damn! lol) on Facebook. Even though it’s been decades since I have seen him, and of course age – I recognized him right away. It just felt like this huge flash of memories.. (no, I didn’t add him. I just saw him as a “friend of a friend” and was like DAMN – I know who that is!) .. I didn’t know he was still alive to be brutally honest. But good to know (from the pictures I saw!) that he’s doing well. Not naming names – no drama here!

One day I wish to write my memoir. If even for something for the kids to hear someday. 


Spending the weekend in front of my computer – is making me pay for it today. My neck, back and shoulders are all screaming. Screaming very loudly. I can hardly move my neck, back or shoulders. Wee stiff I made add. Stiff and incredibly sore. On top of me being stubborn and still working out. T3’s are not touching this pain either. Seriously, it’s that bad. BUT, I know it’s from my own doing so.. live and learn.

Not complaining just,. yeah. Sore in more than one way.

I was sitting in front of my computer today – and my bedroom light decided to blow. I think in the past few days, our house has blown about 4 light bulbs. Thankfully my son found one I could use.. and then I bought more. 😛 .. I mean I have tin foil on my window, so my room gets dark. One of these years I need to buy blackout curtains. It’s on my “I will do it eventually” list. Actually no, this year I plan on buying a decent set. I need to remove the tin foil and make things less tacky. 😛

It was really nice last night. I had both Benn and Tashi next to me sleeping. Usually Benn takes off when I lay down in my bed. T’was really cool. As long as they don’t start fighting, it’s nice. But when they start fighting, that’s when things get messy. Starr as well, when he runs upstairs and pisses Benn off. He doesn’t just growl, he screams. Our old man.

Dr Henry started -again- of advising people to not cross travel. Hell, not even to cross city travel. Problem being? They have no way to enforce this. They tell you not to do it, and people do it anyways. Unless she puts down some serious measures and stops being nice, this will continue to happen. I know of several who has cross-province traveled, and even with being careful – still continue to do it. People who go back and forth between the mainland and here. I won’t myself because I don’t want to risk my health. My kids won’t either. But we also listen to reason and logic. Others just don’t care! Thing is though, our numbers are going to keep escalating, until the powers that be do something.

Okay, enough of that.

Oh, my hair is super soft. Yes, I talked about my haaairs. I am also keeping track of the XMONDO site haha, I know a mention again. Really looking forward to when they re-stock. I totally love their dyes. Even if they are super pricey. Worth it though!

I was going to wash my sheets today and re-wash the cover to the weighted blanket. I just can’t lift the blanket right now, to remove the cover.  Perhaps tomorrow or Wednesday. 

Finally Wally’s Wonderland comes out tomorrow. From the previews I have seen, it looks like a decent movie. Nic Cage being Nic Cage. I can’t wait to see it. Although I hope it’s not a total let down like Jujitsu was. That movie was SO hyped up…and the only decent scenes in the movie is when he fights to the teeth, and yeah.

I need to find a chiropractor. I need to find one to straighten up my back. From sitting in front of my computer, its aching. Then again it could be residuals from the car accident years ago. Damn though I think that or a massage therapist. One or the other. Hell I am covered, so why not. But I need to find one which is open, and taking new patients. Which is difficult due to the C word. 

and not cookie.


Today I found when I had social media opened, I became incredibly distracted. I saw “oooh, Disney!” and ended up focusing on other things. I promise myself less Facebook, more focusing on things in front of you.

I want to buy ankle weights. Nothing incredibly heavy, but something which would help during working out. As I can hardly run (due to the -lovely- knocks on the wall /snark) and I can’t jump or be super fast. Or maybe wrist weights? I can’t lift normal weights due to my shoulders. We shall see.

Oh the scattered mind, OOOH!

Another night of feeling a calcium deposit. I know it’s gross for those not into medical. But damn, when I feel one, it feels trippy. Like a little moving bump almost. 

I wonder what the x-rays saw? I haven’t heard back yet. But guessing if it was serious, I would have heard by now. Right?

It’s just pretty funky. Everything I have read says they re-deposit. Mine do not re-deposit. They have been there for years. Quite possibly, decades. 

Oh, and I keep blaming Darryn for my farts. She keeps saying I have perfect timing XD

I’ve noticed it’s been difficult to find decent sized lemons in this city. Not sure if this is pandemic related or what. But since I have been having fresh lemon water every say, I am struggling to find lemons. Like the only ones I have been finding are small ones. I prefer large to small, as they last and they taste decent. It has been helping. Ever since I have been putting the effort into working out, and drinking lemon water – digestion has been easier. I have more energy during the day as well. I find if the energy is tanking, I grab some vitamin C (vitamins) and that helps. It keeps things moving.

ETA – Oh yay, Willys Wonderland my preorder is now available. I can’t wait to watch it tomorrow. Apparently it has something to do with Five Nights At Freddies? It looks like classic Nicolas Cage.

I need to find some time this year to book a staycaction. I have vacation time I know needs to be used. I’ll figure it out. 

Okay, need to come off this thing now.

Before that, I checked my old Livejournal for when I joined. I joined LJ in February of 2001. When E and I were still together. That LJ was stopped being used back in I think years ago. But damn. 20 years of being on that site. Can you believe that? The only reason I am thinking about it, is a friend posted about Livejournal on Facebook. 

There are SO many fake ads on Facebook. It’s so annoying! Sure, we found out about our shower head on Facebook (and it works amazingly well!)But – man some of them just annoy the snot out of me. So many fake weight loss ads. People saying “Oh I drink away fat!” Yeah, no. Or fake cleaning products, and so on. I know Facebook needs to make money, but man… lol

Ok, I need to go lay down and rest my neck and shoulders. They are screaming. Like I can hardly move, I am SO stiff. Hahaha, I said stiff. 

I am seeing this commercial for pain medication.. it says “for pain relief for your hip and lower back” and the bottle in clear site says “tylenol for back pain.” Isn’t Tylenol the pain relief, period? Aside from Advil which can cook your stomach and heart, and aspirin for other pain? Like, these commercials are so silly.

Oh, the pain I have tonight, nothing is touching it. Not T3’s, not biofreeze, nothing. It hurts. I did still work out today, because they don’t recommend sitting still. Perhaps I made things worse? I don’t know. All I know is it aches… But – that’s with age as well.

Oh, and in 4 days I can “register” for the COVID vaccine. I am still on the fence about it .. I mean, I want to be able to travel again. BUT – I also think the world is putting too much of a face value in the vaccinations. Our numbers are soaring, not going down. With as many people vaccinated as have been, we should have our infections going down. I mean people have been getting vaccinated for months now. Why are things getting worse, instead of getting betteR? Why can the medical professionals involved not see this? I can see it. Others can. I want to get the vaccine just so I can keep moving forward, and finally see my grandmother. But .. also – how safe are they? I need more research. I know, I keep flip flopping over it – but .. It’s just how quickly these vaccines were pushed out. I think I need to look further into this, before I think of the answer for myself. 

I also want to do what is best for us. I am the one who is outside of the house more than the other two. We will see how things go. I really don’t want to be down due to side effects. What I might do is book the vaccine and book vacation time at the same time. To make sure I am covered.

I keep telling Darryn that when Benn does get fixed, she will most likely poof out. Long haired cats tend to do so.

Okay, now I seriously need to go to bed.






Quiet weekend.

I spent way too much time playing video games this weekend. The adult mind in my head went “Girl, you need to tidy up that darn laundry room!” .. But – my shoulders decided to go “Nuh huh girl, you are not lifting anything this weekend!”.. So, video games it was.

Also, to be honest – I hardly looked at social media. I really became annoyed when all I could see on Friday morning – was anger. Frustration and hate. Not so much towards COVID (well, some of it was.) but SO much toward the Prince passing away. I understand that the Prince had a very colorful past (which – in turn those bitching about him on social media most likely have shitty pasts as well. They just like to project their frustrations in life onto others.. Oi.) .. but – whatever happened to “If you have nothing nice to say, keep it off of social media?”

I really only checked out Disney blogs, and said forget anything else. I checked to see if anything had been posted about someone I know. Oh and to chat -quickly- online. That’s really it. I really enjoyed the time off of social media. 

It’s just been so utterly negative online. Like – people find one thing wrong, they complain. COVID – they complain. Vaccinations not moving fast enough? CERB given out? They complain. I am done with it, to be quite honest. You can only take negativity for so long… Hah. I just don’t want to give this any room in my mind. 

On a completely random note. Tashi had a turd stuck on her butt. Comes flying up the stairs, dragging down wind. Guessing she thought if she dragged, the turd would come off. Nope. Took human intervention to release the turd. Hahaha. Ahh life living with four legged, and two legged kids. haha. Although come to think of it, two of our cats are the oldest in our home. As one is 11 will be 12 this year in human years..and the other will be 9 going on ten. So do the math in cat years. Starr will be 64 this year (technically) and Tashi will be 56. So – even older than I am! Hahaha…

Both of them are considered senior citizens. Both are also the oldest cats my tiny family has had (in our home..) . Which is awesome!

Benn got super mad when I looked at her as she chased a spider. All I heard was maw maw MEOW! hahaha… Cute, isn’t she?


Link for reference on cat ages. Just in case. I would suspect Farmer’s is a trusted source.


So Darryn came across an article on Heath Ledger. Someone said “Oh Heath died from killing himself”. She then politely corrected the person that no, it wasn’t suicide. Anyone who has fingers on a cell phone screen can GOOGLE how he passed. Hell I think his autopsy is out there someplace. I would suspect an autopsy would be a trusted piece of material. But this person kept arguing with D, and I told her to let it go. We’re in that age now where ANYONE can say something online. Something of which they would never say EVER out in public. Would you go up to Heath’s family and say this? No. I suspect the tossing around of suicide, came from the Joker diaries which were found. That, and the majority of people spewing this nonsense – were children themselves when he passed. It’s such a piss on his memory when people do shit like this.

Hell it happened to Brandon Lee as well. People to this day – keep saying he was killed by the Chinese Mafia. No, what happened to Brandon was an accident, completed by overworked and underpaid staff. But people STILL do it. Same with his father Bruce Lee. Like ‘ enough already people…

This type of subject really irks me, to be honest. As I have researched countless people for years..and when I hear people making up nonsense, stories and what-have-you .. It’s like someone should make a t-shirt saying “Maybe you should Google It!’.. Wait, no “Maybe you should open a book!”. Bah, then again nowadays even books aren’t always correct. 

To anyone who wears glasses… does it drive you batty when you can’t get them clean enough? Drives me nuttier than squirrel poop. 

What I want to do is put some shelves up. So I have somewhere to put some of my Disney Stuff. I am thinking of doing some Spring cleaning, and possibly selling some of the collection. I mean right now, it’s sitting in my closet. When it could be in the arms of some kid, loving them! Contemplating it. Problem is, a friend picked up some of my collection .. I don’t know if she would be hurt if I put them up for sale. I know they are mine, I paid for them. Seems silly to think about BUT – she did go out of her way. Ack, decisions decisions.

We’re hearing of more and more COVID19 infections in the schools out here. It’s a worry to be honest. I mean there was one in K’s school. She’s rather nervous about it, and I don’t blame her. She wants to be near her friends but, COVID. We can’t leave the house without worrying about COVID. She’s been asking if she can stay home, because of the exposure. It’s so frustrating. What the government needs to do, is completely shut down. Take the example of other countries. The ones who have kicked COVID, or only have a tiny amount of infections. Like only leaving the house for groceries, doctors’ visits – or the hospital. That’s it. We need to nip this in the ass. There are way too many people going “fuck you” and doing what they want. Hell I see this on social media. It’s so frustrating!

End rant on the ‘VID

D’s cat is playing on the ipad. All you hear is squeak SQUEAK. Hahaha!

A woman crashed her car into Walmart on Friday. Darryn and I were supposed to be there at the time it happened. That’s incredibly scary. We would have been in the area where that car went through the wall. I mean, I am glad we decided to skip Walmart and go to Country Grocer. The only downside to that was CG was super packed. Kailani and I ended up going, because Darryn was too tired for shopping. We didn’t pick up much, but we did pick up some tasty waffles and mixings.

Darryn dyed Kailani’s hair …and now the bathtub is bright flippin’ pink. No joke.

I wish Xmondo would hurry up and re-stock their dye. It’s the best dye so far that I have used. It bleeds like the other stuff – don’t get me wrong. But it leaves nothing on your hands or head. or on the floor, or wall or clothing. I found with Manic Panic, Punky Color – Splat … the bleeding just drives me nuts. However XMONDO is always out of stock. I managed to get two things of color from them…and I go back and forth between orange and red.. So I don’t run out before they re-stock. They are a bit more pricy. But – you get more and .. it has glitter. I mean you can’t go wrong there. Right?

For this weekend. I had planned on cleaning up a bit more. I did sweep, and clean the counters. Just scrubbing and doing anything with my arms was not going to happen. Hopefully next weekend.

I didn’t get to sleep in this weekend either. Between the cats picking fights at 2am, and the neighbors talking loudly – I received hardly any sleep. But – we’re heading into a new week so .. we shall see. I just noticed it’s ten. I need to hit the hay soon.

Really random but.. I want to get more tattoos. I really do. Someday! When it’s safe to do so.

You know, with the whole vaccine thing. Everything which is medically wrong with me, isn’t good enough to be put on the “you go first” list. They even gave a list of medications they expect you to be on, to be bumped up the list. People with asthma, for example. Like if Kailani had an active script and was of age, she could be bumped up. But – she hasn’t had an active script in years. So .. yeah. That and the government keeps flip flopping about if they will vaccinate under 18. Oi. It’s such a nightmare.

Okay I need to head to bed. Early morning in the AM. 




The last few days have been odd, but nice.

Still feeling the after-effects of the cemetery walk. It was something I needed, that’s for sure. Next long weekend – I will be heading to the other cemetery close by. Larger – may need a few trips to fully cover.

Received some decent news as well. I won’t go into specifics, but it was great to hear. 

Completely random, but I just had the oddest fart ever. It was like this poof then FFTTPPTT.. haha, I can crack like that. I am entitled, or I think I am.

We -really- need to gut the piss out of the laundry room. I am hoping my shoulders will allow me to do so either this weekend, or next. Seeing as everyone makes it the dumping ground of the house o.O it needs to be done.

This week I have been struggling with intense pain in both shoulders, and lower left chest. It’s my own damn fault to be honest. I thought I would go through the list of workouts in this “apprentice” workout section. There was an hour long “boxing cardio” workout…and me thinking I could do it, I did it. Yeah, no. Never ever doing that again. It’s on my “what the hell are you thinking!” list. I was hurting so bad. Tore muscles in my chest, and in both arms/shoulders. Let’s just say because your mind says “go for it”, it doesn’t mean you should do it.

Was finally able to meet my appointment for a double x-ray. I am actually rather curious as to what they found. As both shoulders/arms were incredibly inflamed the day I went for the x-ray. I mean its odd to say, but I hope they saw something. 

The cats are still weirded out that D’s room is clean. It’s so silly to see how they are reacting over this.

We also found out results of a test that we were waiting on. I also won’t go into specifics as it’s not my place to discuss. It’s been an odd feeling around here though since things were found out. 

Today though especially has been odd. Soon as I woke up this morning, people have been miserable. I don’t know if it’s from pandemic burn out, or what. But -everyone- has been miserable. Even during the day. It’s like I wish I could just take off somewhere and avoid the cranky. LOL Online and offline.

Almost deleted Facebook today. If it wasn’t for my grandmother on FB, I would wipe it clean. I’m just meh about social media. It’s nice when it’s handy, but it’s also a vicious tool for those who stir the pot. So to speak.

We will see. I mean I love keeping up with friends and such. It’s just sometimes it’s too much.

This weekend (aside from some basic chores).  – I plan on not doing much. Trying to get this pain to stop screaming at me. Hopefully steer away from social media unless absolutely necessary. I mean – everyone- needs a break every now and again.

We heard about a COVID infection at my daughter’s school. No, she was not contacted about exposure. I did however allow her to stay home today, as she was completely worried about it. I don’t blame her. I am almost at the point of moving her into home school – as no one in the government seems to be concerned. I won’t start on my rant about COVID .. Trying not to lose my cool over something completely out of my control. I can control however keeping her safe.  I also on the flipside to this, do not want her falling behind. We will see how things go. I suspect we may possibly end up like Toronto, who took themselves down for another full blown lockdown. That is what we need to be honest. 

Again though, not littering my blog post with COVID nonsense. We can’t do anything about it, except do our small part. If it means staying inside to keep safe? So be it. We have food, toiletries and entertainment. Nothing wrong there.

Today I was harsh patting myself on the back. Not going into specifics, but super proud of myself. Just writing about it so I can go back to this later, and be prooooud of myself <3 Not tooting my own horn, just kind of proud of myself. 

I just wish that I didn’t struggle with my shoulders as much as I do. I mean I keep going, i keep plugging through it. Kind of have to, right? I do work out, because I have been told exercise can be the best option.

Boring, right? Well… that is who I am. Boooooring.

Oh. I found a website which talks about the Disney Park in Hawaii. I would love to visit there someday. I went to Hawaii when I was 2 (and of course, i don’t remember it!@)…and I would love to go back. Someday. It’s on my bucket list. That and Australia. It’s a plan. Just need to get things in motion. 

Trying to stay up as long as I can tonight. I need to just lay in bed and relax tomorrow morning. Perhaps this will help the pain settle a bit. 

I can’t wait to get Benn and Starr into the vet for a check up. Then we can finally get the “vet only” treatment for fleas. Hope and pray this goes away once and for all. I mean the girls are keeping up their rooms. We vacuum A LOT… and yeah.  I honestly think we should just flea bath all three.

I also love the Petsmart Door Dash delivery service that they have. I don’t need to fight the crowds to get decent cat stuff. So yay! A wee bit more pricy, but these little fluffballs are worth it.

Just received this random cold chill in my room. Totally random ..

Random – I wonder why Disney doesn’t bring out more black colored t-shirts? It’s always some random color – or grey. Just grey. Like people – there are fans of Disney who love the color black. Shade, whatever… 😛 

Was a wee bummed this morning. Friend went to Universal Studios and they had the cutest ET and Hello Kitty top. When they were able to check – it was sold out. Damn it. I totally loved it. Not a huge outstanding fan of HK – but the picture was cute. Plus – it included ET. Love that movie! 

Oh, I totally need more ink. I have plans.

Ok, need to go chillax. Oooh, just found easter candy… sweeet.


Well, then.

This weekend had it’s ups and downs.

Friday I went through an amazing yet WELL NEEDED walk through a cemetery here. I needed it, you have no idea. None. I needed that time to be by myself, to focus and think. It was nice!

Saturday after fighting my body from all of the walking and such (went from walking to grabbing groceries to coming home to clean up.. haha!) I spent the majority of the day cleaning and fighting pain. Although now my cupboards are super clean.. my body is super angry. Thats okay though, I can deal with pain. (It’s part of having multiple chronic issues.. shit happens!)

Yesterday I spent the mass majority of the day playing video games. The kids did their own thing. I completely forgot to buy a ham for dinner, so Easter Dinner wasn’t a thing. It’s okay though, one of these days we will have a family dinner together.

I found out that my grandmother is in the hospital. Right now, nobody can go and see her due to COVID. 

I spoke to her today.. I won’t go into specifics.

This afternoon I heard within the past few days,BC has had non stop traveling, OH and over 4 thousand COVID infections.

People went on the media, and had the balls to say “well, we’re enjoying our lives”


I am totally burnt out from this pandemic bullshit. I am so annoyed with humanity. The selfishness of others is just.. wow. i am sick of being angry. Sick of being let down by other humans in this world.

We’re doing what we can to stay safe. Others just don’t give a flying fuck. 

My grandmother is in the hospital right now. Waiting on tests and things. I can’t get out there to go and see her (which who knows what will happen…) because people decided TRAVELLING was more fucking important … no visitors are allowed. 

I was lucky enough that a nurse let me talk to her today. They aren’t supposed to do so. But he did. I am just incredibly angry. Well, not so much angry but very disappointed.

i understand the pandemic is making everyone crazy. I get that. I feel it myself. My daughters are going nuts being stuck inside all of the time. My son would love to visit his buddy on the mainland, but can’t due to COVID.

My grandmother is in a hospital in one of the places in BC which has the highest infection rates. I feel so horrible for her right now. She was stuck in her home alone, and now this? Stuck in a hospital by herself, with none of us there to be with her.

All because people had to be selfish, and not give a fuck about anyone else but themselves.

I’m not sorry if this blog entry is upsetting. I am just so frustrated right now. Had COVID not existed, I would have been on the first ferry out this morning to be over there.

I am just so incredibly bummed right now. 

My shoulders are on screaming fire right now. Screaming sending pain down my back. it’s not fun.

Please keep my grandmother in your thoughts. Well, anyone who reads this. 


Good VERY good day.

Woke up this morning – checked outside. Saw some pitiful clouds…and I thought – eh, I will wait. Let’s see how things go.

Puttered around my house and found a few things that I needed.  I found one of my old cameras, and thought it would be neat to take it with. (This didn’t work out because the camera was having a shit… but, I tried!).

Around 11-ish (after digging out my backpack… packing batteries and charge cables – one can not be too careful!) I headed down to Ross Bay Cemetery. All by my lonesome!

I started on the side closest to the water. I stood by the wall, and watched the waves go up and down for a bit. Tried to avoid chatting, because I wanted it to be -just- me. 

I started, and I kept going. I was there for just under 5 hours. Walked one end, to the other – and back again. It was a really nice walk. 

Note, I didn’t take as many pictures as I tend to do. I took some which I thought turned out incredible. Like all of the deer I came across. I don’t think I have seen this many deer in a long time! 

I absolutely loved this. I haven’t had a long walk like this since 2019. Since just before the pandemic. It was just me, my music, my phone – and taking pictures. Walking with my own two feet. 

Being able to think, re-focus. That’s the important thing.

Even though it was only this time period, it gave me the downtime I actually needed. I could feel the stress just lift off of me. It’s with this pandemic what happens is, when you don’t get the “me” time, you burn out. I could feel myself burning out something fierce. 

I needed to just be away from people..and to be honest – the safest place is in a cemetery. Although today there was quite a bit of people. I wasn’t expecting that.

Next time I go for a long walk, it will be the Royal Oak Burial Park. That one is much bigger than Ross Bay, and may take several trips. But you know, it’s worth it. Even if I come home in insane amounts of pain. It was -worth- it. 

I know this seems like a lot to some… me putting all of my faith (well, not all!) into a cemetery walk,. But man, how refreshed I felt when I came home! It’s like, I needed to do this. I needed to just walk away from the house for a bit. On my own. Not worry about anything here (as I know my kids are safe) and just get this done.

I have other things to worry about as well, but that’s something not to worry about right now.

I can’t vacation right now due to COVID so hell, this is the next best thing. I think in a few weeks, I will be at it again. I think this will be something else I do .. I gotta be meeeee! 

Tonight I spent mainly sitting down in my chair, not doing much. I couldn’t move much to be honest. My body isn’t used to all that walking. But I did it, and I am super proud of myself.



Thank the gods for a long weekend. // absolutely random post. 

I am hoping tomorrow has some decent weather. Hell, as long as it’s not pouring rain.. I’ll be set.

Sitting here tonight – after a incredibly emotionally draining busy as hell week. Headphones on, YouTube on one screen – this here blog on another. Unplugged, except for the headphones.

I initially just wanted to sit here and watch Mortal Kombat. (the movie, not the video game. Hell I don’t even think I own the game anymore..)But – decided music and my mind would do. 

That’s the thing. When times are rough in the mind – blast music. Hell, blast it when your mind isn’t doing circles. Calms even the savage of beasts.

Some 90s, early 2000’s – why not?

Nothing incredibly angry though. Just that light pop stuff? The stuff you would never find now, unless someone was blowing auto-tune.

Absolutely random thought. I am glad I lived in Vancouver when it was still soft, and left before it became hard. It’s always going to be my hometown but .. that’s pretty much it. 

I have been researching boundaries. More than I’d care to admit. Boundaries and other odd topics of things I need to continue to teach myself. I have a hell of a lot of learning and growing to do. You never stop learning! If you do, there’s a problem 😛

I really and truly need to purge this place. Gut the hell out of the house. Toss what isn’t useful anymore. We don’t need the majority of which is here. One of these days I’ll poke the girls hard enough to do the same. Poke them or cut off their internet to do it. Guess we will see what works. 


I honestly miss the late nights at the Duff. I know it wasn’t much to some, but hell.. we got out of the house. We enjoyed the loud music (aside from the male dancer swinging his thing in my face… seriously that happened!) .. it was -something- .. I know, randomness right? It was just so much fun. 

I now kind of understand why people turn to drugs and alcohol to deal with life. Life has a way of tossing massive, stinky, corn filled nasty febreeze that shit twice… shit in your lap. Now – I have fought that urge the mass majority of my life. No joke. I mean – it’s almost like a higher power wants me to cut down to my parents level of what they do. Nope. I won’t do it. I’d rather play 12 hours of WoW, than turn to either. But – I really understand. Anything to cover the pain. Anything to -not- deal with it, and numb it. Its easier to numb the pain than face it. 

I try not to discuss the ache I struggle with.  It’s easier to not discuss it. Besides, easier to focus on other things which are important. Like my kids, what the world is doing. Y’know? I find my strength in things which make sense. Or try to make sense. I mean they are the best things that happened to me -ever- in my life. They are the 5 reasons I know I did something right <3 

This world really and truly confuses me. It’s hard to explain. I don’t believe in this cancel culture. Nor do I agree with someone abusing another – if they don’t agree with them. I believe in love, not hate. I have been through enough hate to last more than 3 lifetimes.

For some odd reason – Eminem “Higher” is somewhat comforting. Seriously. 

I am struggling to put things in words. Things meaning emotions. I am not an emotional person, I had that taken away from me from a -very- young age. I wasn’t allowed to be a child. Hell, I wasn’t allowed to be a teen either. Everything up to this point, has been from life experience. I wasn’t taught how to love, or how to be empathetic. I learned this on my own, or from TV and movies. People wonder why I relate more to celebs, more than regular everyday people. I can tell you. Being locked in my bedroom from the time I could walk, to I was 14? Until I broke the last hook off my door, and threatened to run away. (Although I did run away, three times. Once at the age of four, twice at 15. Once to the Island – which is ironic seeing  where we live now hahaha!) I wish I wasn’t found. I made a point to not be found, but ya know. People look for you and find you after awhile.

Where the hell did that come from ?!?! Damn. Rotten memories. But – it helped.

Also thought about who I was back then versus who I am now. Bit more baggage. Larger suitcases to carry. More heartbeats around. More colorful. Doing things now I wasn’t allowed to do back then. It’s nice. 

Truly, listen to Eminem Higher. Its’ a great song.

I still think To The Moon and Back by Savage Garden describes me to a T. That, and “If ya wanna be bad, ya gotta be good” by Bryan Adams. Still love it.

What I miss? Cuddling on the beach. I haven’t done that in soooooo long! Someday, I hope. Oh gosh, I sounded like a whispy teenager. Cuddling on the beach is a comfort of mine.  I know, absolutely random thing to blog about. It just came to my mind for some reason. 

Just now we worry about COVID. The numbers out here keep creeping. It drives me nuts. I wish for the days where I could just go over to the mainland for something to do. I miss Seattle. I miss my muse. But no… no now I am stuck in the house, where the only break I have is music. Love my kids, but every single parent needs a breather. 

My breaks as of late? Headphones on (don’t wanna piss off the neighbors) ignoring social media, my phone -anything- which causes me to concentrate on others. Eminem really helps. The music, I mean.

People expect way too much from me .. and there’s times I just have enough of the world – and melt into my music.  It offends people that I am not making myself available 100%. People need to breathe. I am struggling with my mental health with this pandemic. I won’t go into details (because I need to cope how I can..) but when I have a chance for downtime, I take it. It’s absolutely nothing personal. I just shut down and need to relax. I am here though and if it’s super important I will grab my phone, or what have you.

I know this post is I I I … Well, it’s a blog. A personal one. I am jotting down random thoughts. 😛 so poo on your shoe!

Also wanted to add. For someone to judge me -completely-, they would need to know my entire story. Nobody out there knows everything. The one person who was close, died. So yeah. 

Yes, I know I am not the only one who struggles. I know all of us are. I know everyone is struggling. It sucks. I wish that no one struggled and they just lived as happy as they could be. Without being stoned all of the time.

I wonder what the world is going to be like in 10 years from now?  Like if COVID will turn into something else?

I find I observe more than I vocalize. Sometimes it’s the best way to go.

Ooooh, Eminem Not Afraid.

I can’t wait for the day that I can hike back up the hills of Forest Lawn again… Miss Glendale. And Hollywood Hills. It’s a bloody long hike but worth all of the sweat, and tears. I love it. It’s an incredible view once you’re up there. I’m talking walking from the bottom to the absolute top. Where David is, even higher. Do it sometime. It’s such a feel.

I know, I am weird. I have this weird comfort for cemeteries. Well, it’s quiet. You can think. Plus some of those cemeteries have amazing views. I know, sounds morbid. I don’t honestly care. I think the goth in me is still kicking around. 

I would rather be weird, than be shaped out of a cardboard cutout. Right? Right.

I think it’s absolutely hilarious that people try to cancel Eminem. People have been trying this shit for decades. It hasn’t happened then. People whining behind a keyboard =- no chance. Funny though.

I also think its hilarious that youTube has bleeped Eminem, but play a song called WAP… make sense to anyone else? 

Wishing the photo print out things would come back.. so I could print some newer pictures and re-do our hallway photo wall. Well, I could print them out online and pick them up. But .. I like taking the time to pick them out and adjust. Which I guess you could do online. Meh. 

I plan on dying my hair for as long as I can. Although this current time my right shoulder and arm spazzed. No joke, muscle spam – shot pain right down my right arm. That hurt! I am going to mention that to the doctor tomorrow. I let it spazz, then I started dying again. I need to re-do it, as my sides didn’t dye. Right now I have bright orange hair. Last time I had orange hair, was in 2004. That long ago, hot damn!

My memory is great, but it’s a curse sometimes. Old memories come back at random. Make me either want to laugh, smile or cry. I try to avoid any reaction. 

I work out every single day. Joined this exercise site, and I really enjoy it. It helps, considering we can hardly leave the house. Been helping with energy and focus. I drink lemon water (fresh lemon, not lemon juice or fake juicy lemon shit..) I drink that from sun up til sun down. Or until; I just want regular water. It really does help! I keep coming across this fake other shit online…and I shut that down hard. 

Even though I type super fast, I have been plugging away at this since about 7 this evening. I’ve just been throwing random thoughts in here. It’s what, 9:13PM PST right now? Something along those lines.

Meh, checked the buses for tomorrow. Sunday schedule. Isn’t that a piss off .. wonder how much a cab would be from point A to point B? 

I finally cracked open that mouse… and hooked it up. Works quite nicely. 

Absolutely loving that door dash offers delivery from Petsmart. Was able to stock up on cat chow for the cats. and litter. Although litter goes much faster than cat chow.

Hard to believe that it’s been 10 years since I started struggling with my shoulders. It’s been like… almost 17 years since I left Vancouver (well, D and I !) for good. Time sure flies, holy shit. I know with the shoulder thing that they are perma-fucked.. and I deal. It just means I am broke. But that’s okay, other parts of my body are fubar’d too and thats OK. I don’t allow it to define me. 

I honestly think I (and I have said this before!) was created up above, and brought down below – with the widest shoulders you could create on a human. So that when massive piles of life gets tossed at me, I can keep on moving. I think they started to expand when I was little, and just took the abuse. Growing up – they just kept on carrying me so I can move forward in life. I mean come on – that has to be the only reason that they hurt as much as they do. They are carrying so much shit! (I know this technically isn’t the case. I know that the pain is from the medical conditions I have… BUT if you think about it. People always ask me how I am so strong. It has to be? Right ?? Right!)

I still think that someday, I’d love to have them replaced. I think they’ve handled enough – don’t you? 😛

Ah , life is life. There is nothing anyone can do about it. Just bring it. Laugh – trying not to break. Work through it. Hug when you can and walk away when you can. Take a breath . Cut the network if you need to. 

Still wanting to write my memoirs one day. i mean – just from everything I have seen and experienced. It’s just a fucking riot to be honest. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll hurl. Oh wait. Isn’t that a slogan from a movie? I kid. 

In the media, you hear people say “Oh, you need to stop the stigma against Mental Health. You need to reach out to people, see how they are..” 9 times out of ten, I bet those who preach this, don’t reach out. 

Sometimes I miss Kamloops. Sometimes, I don’t. 

Y’know what I’d absolutely love right now? A kind of “don’t you ever let me go” type of hugs. No kissing or fucking around. Just a deep emotional hug. It’s been way too long.

Music really does help calm things down. Anyone who says it doesn’t, is on some kind of glue.

Seriously in the mood and craving new ink. Reallllly wanting new ink. I know, not possible right now. I have tattoos which are in dire need of being fixed up and covered. Someday!

I am def not a house mouse. Nope. 

Still wanting to get the Crow burning Crow from the film tattooed. o

Finally washed that ongoing stuffed bag of masks. I washed them twice … because the last time the majority of them smelled like ass. Not this time! Due to the bag being stuffed, there are masks on the landing, D’s door and my door. We have TONS of cloth masks. But – we need them!

Random thought. I was burned in the inner thigh when I was 6, by a man with a smoke. I still have the scar. It’s something which comes to mind – why a stranger would do this to a innocent child? I had to talk about this years ago. Told it wasn’t what it was. Again – no judgments unless you have walked in my shoes. Or barefoot. Each time I see that scar, it reminds me again of how strong I have been. From the age of four when I hid in the basement of a stranger, to that – to much more moving on. <3

I am horrible. LOL. I order food for us. I eat my fries and maybe drink my drink. the burger goes in the fridge.

A friend picked up sweats from Disneyland that have sparkle on the side. They aren’t black, but I love them! So comfy, and I can lounge. They are super nice! Little big, but that’s okay. I want them baggy. 

Fuck. Just notified of a COVID infection at a middle school near our house. JUST PEACHY. BC needs to pull up their boot straps, and bring all the kids home again. Yes. I know some people can’t be around their kids all the time. But enough is enough. Fucking tired of my kids being exposed to something completely out of their control.

Sometimes if I can’t vocalize what is in my head, I just keep quiet. Shake my head, say “yes” or smile. Or not even that. 

It’s 10:20PM PSt. 

Still trying to throw random thoughts out there.

Oh, I know. I am a survivor of multiple things. Not entirely ready to discuss everything. But, – yeah. I have my scars. In more ways than one. It’s okay though, without scars you won’t heal. Am I right? 

Oh, my right shoulder and arm are angry as shit right now. Driving me nuts. I don’t want to go to bed yet. Tashi may try to wake me up at 5am again. Which is what I don’t want. I have things to do tomorrow. I have a doctors’ appointment. 

I honestly think the reason that people don’t talk, is this. They are afraid of being judged. Even though it’s not your business what others think of you. If they don’t like ya, they can move on. Right? 😛

One battery charged, working on the second one. I hope to make this worth it. Going to be SO bummed if it pours tomorrow. 

Oh damn, noticed missed calls. Just wasn’t in any sport of a mood to talk to anyone tonight. I am burnt out, tired, exhausted, emotionally drained. I have to tune out and get some time to myself. Everyone needs time for them – right?  It’s absolutely nothing personal to anyone. I just get so burnt out by the end of the week – that I need to unplug. 

Ugh. Being up since 5 is starting to bug me. (Boring or what eh?) OH MY GOSH I SAID EHHHH….

I wish I could live a year in LA. Just to see what it’s really like. Or even San Diego. I really loved the area when I was down there. It was sooo beautiful. I don’t know, maybe when the girls are on their own, and Austin is doing his thing? We shall see. I would love to though. 

What I miss a ton.. is DDR. We couldn’t set it up here if I wanted to but MAN… do I miss that game! Sigh C’est la vie.

I felt a calcium deposit in my right shoulder a week ago. It was a big one.. creeped me the hell out. I know it wasn’t my actual shoulder- you can tell. It was SO creepy! I know they can come up to the surface, so to speak. It was like this rock which was loose, or something. Really crazy feeling. But hell, my body is all sorts of nuts – so it doesn’t surprise me.

I’m kind of enjoying the quiet right now. Aside from the usual. I honestly don’t function well when there is a shitload of drama running around. I prefer just living a pretty quiet life. I was created into a introvert when I was little. Still running the introvert logo.. I like things calm, collected (well for the most part!) and not having to deal with nuttiness. I hope this continues, I really really do. <3

Ohhh.. friend posted about San Diego. MAN do I wanna go back! I was only there for a few days back in 2019. I hope to take off there again someday. Just disappear over there for a few days. Refresh, and come back. 

I have a feeling though, that there will be no California trips for atleast another year. Unless something seriously changes. I suspect that after COVID has shifted, we’ll see another mess hit. It happens. Nothing goes quietly. Think about the past for a moment. Sure, people are putting a shitload of faith into vaccines. But – with all of the side effects and the rushing of COVID vaccines… plus our numbers are going stupid high.. Why would you think vaccines are the do all, end all. Yes I know that is a one-sided argument. I am not against vaccines. My kids are vaccinated, so no – not against. I am just wanting more testing, more proof these things actually will resolve this. Until then, call me a big ol’ skeptic.

Would love for the girls and I to travel someplace sometime. I plan on taking them to Seattle once it’s safe. Notice I said “once it’s safe”. Safe meaning pandemic is settled.. etc.

I would love to take them further out of course. BUT – I need to see how they would handle Seattle first. At least with Seattle we could fly or ferry it home. LA is a bit further of a distance. Same with San Diego. One step at a time.

11:23PM PST… still listening to music.

Charging my phone now. Listening to Pink. 

I think my blog has been semi- publishing this when I have been plugging away. So bloody funny. Wonder if this is the longest one I have put up? I don’t know. I don’t know how long this will be up. I get bored, shit gets password protected or deleted.

Yes, my mind is this messy. 

I’m so warped. No, I don’t mean my sick sense of humor (because, that has never left!) .. since working out, my body is warped. Like my arms, my legs… Meh – I am sure this will pass eventually. 

Watching the Pink Trouble video… love it when she tosses the men over the bar. Hahaha… 

I like to learn something new every day. If it’s online, or offline. My mind is always open. I learned from a parent years ago how to be close-minded. I changed that thought process the moment I left at 16.

Writing about struggles – online, offline – emotionally, physically … I know everyone is struggling. No one is living without a struggle. No one is perfect. Everyone walks their own path, their own struggles. Absolutely. Please don’t think that talking about your struggles in life, are pairing one against the other. 

I don’t have any regrets. Everything in life has been a learning experience. Just gotta move with the flow! 

I hope if anyone finds this, and read -all- the way through this… that you wake up having a great day. Think positive. The world is a different place, but everyone will make it through it. <3


Okay it’s 11:47PM PST. I think I need to go to bed. Or something like it. I have things to do tomorrow 😉
















Not a catchy title.

Honestly feels weird that I stuffed a post behind a password. I haven’t done that in ages .. But – it was something personal. You know how the media says “Oh you should talk about that, free the stigma?” . I wasn’t ready.

I keep checking the weather to see if rain is predicted for tomorrow. I really want to go on this cemetery walk. My youngest asked if she could come with, I said no. I need a long walk – by myself. I am fairly certain if I pack a bunch of masks, hand sanitizer – batteries and my phone.. I’ll be okay. It’s not super far from here either.

It’s been so sunny the past several days.. Just hoping for a decent day tomorrow.  I hope!

For some strange reason – the cats keep waking me up at 5am. Every day this week, except for one day. I’m like can you wait for a hour? So I can get some sleeeep! But no… no they want it now, they don’t care (or know? ) about time.. so it’s up I go. Although I think this weekend I will be closing my door so I can get -some- sleep.

There is something I need to deal with, that I have been avoiding for a long time. The walk in the cemetery hopefully will give me some privacy.. so I can make phone calls without the kids listening in *cough Darryn cough*  It’s COVID.  It’s the pandemic. I know we’re being safe (the mantra running through my mind that is.. We’re being safe. We’re not being sheep. We’re being safe. We’re together being safe…) I know that. The pandemic has put a hold on many many thing.. but – this- is something I need to do without their ears around. 

I did an incredible amount of reading last night. Almost to the point of being obsessive with the topic. It was interesting though. 

It’s so odd – The Crow was -all- over the streaming services ALL darn year. The one day it was important to have it up, and it was removed. I watched it on my blu ray player. I sat here, and did not move, to give Brandon a bit of respect. 

I’ve been getting into those moods of just wanting to be alone. You know? When people are constantly wanting your help, attention.. NOT that I mind being helpful, that isn’t the thing. I guess, I can’t recall the last time I heard the phrase “How are you?” . Like a real thoughtful “How are you”> .. I think the pandemic has taken the human interaction side, and messed with it. As we’re all stuck at home (unless you break pandemic rules) . So at this point, I think people are super wanting problems solved, or to vent. It happens?

I think the human race will be changed for sure, once the pandemic is over. People won’t go rushing back into human interaction, no. They will be slowly moving into it. Or trying to be. I don’t know, do I make sense?

I am so half awake. Today then onto the long weekend. Bring it on!