Long time, no blog.

Well hello blog, long time no write.

I have written and deleted four paragraphs so far. I have written a 3 hour long post in the past couple of weeks – just to delete it. There are times where life issues don’t belong on the internet.

Alllllthough…

I have been working out since last year. I did find out the workouts I was doing – were not enough to really do much except be a bit fun. Fine – no worries. I found this other workout which has been kicking my ass, but helping.

Since I was weighed in February (for a medical procedure!) I have lost somewhere in between 42-45 pounds (the doctor scales are always off by 10 pounds for me.. I don’t know why?)  and I know I have lost inches (just how clothes feel…and I’ve noticed.) So yay for me. I haven’t talked much about this because to be honest? I was trying to keep this tiny bit of positivity to myself. So yay for small victories. I have small goals for myself .. I hope if I keep going this route, that I will get down to the weight I was in Kamloops. If not, close enough to it. Would be nice, but hell toning and you know, losing inches is okay with me. I am going to continue on as much as I can. Small goals small GOOOOALS! 

I want to do this slowly. If you lose weight too fast, it’s hard for your body to keep it off. I want to get this extra-ness off and keep it the fuck off. I know I will struggle more than the average, due to the thyroid issues. Which is completely fine, I will work around them 🙂

So, yay for me *pats myself on the back*. I know at my age as well, plus the medication I am on – makes things a little harder to lose weight. But I am doing it. Slowly. So proud of myself.

I do know I will always have loose skin. I had 5 kids yo, give a girl a break 😛

I know I have to be careful because of being cracked – ha! I only do low impact. No weights, no running, no on the floor-ish stuff. I do what I can. As I said – I know this will take longer but worth it. Hell if I have lost this much in 8 months … Bring it on. It’s one thing I have focus on right now. Working on myself.

Does anyone know if mitral valve regurgitation heals themselves? I didn’t think so.. but the past couple of tests they have done, the leak is showing up smaller and smaller. The doc indicated recently this last time that they couldn’t see the leak at all. That they want to re-test in 1-3 years to see if it’s even there at all.

Wait, what?

How do you fuck that up? I don’t understand. She said it could have been something else, but nothing is showing. These things normally don’t heal themselves. I’m actually rather intrigued. I mean hell, if it’s not there – BONUS. 

The shoulder issue though – that isn’t going away. I am working out to try and help myself become stronger and more healthy. Lately though my shoulders and arms have been angry. Like angry. I know the temp changing has something to do with it. I did mention it to the doctor,  and they’ve noted it. They can’t do much. But holy shit. I don’t have a choice but to use them – so I just go with the flow. Drives me absolutely effin’ crazy some days though. BUT I am a single parent … so yeah.

Holy hell though… when it’s cold in the house – my arms lock up and hurt. Bad. I mentioned this to the doc.. there isn’t much they can do. My shoulders hurt SO bad when it’s cold. It reminds me of when I was in Kamloops. They hurt and BAD during the winter. I hid it because – I have to. But holy freaking shit. I don’t think the working out is pissing them off, because I don’t do arm exercises. I just don’t. Nor do I do push ups, or anything of the sort. The weather just sets them off. they do ache everything other season but when it’s cold, it’s 10x worse. It doesn’t let up – and no amount of pain killers dulls the pain. 

I have had people say to me “Well you must not be in that much pain. You’re walking, talking and not spending all of your day in bed…” Dude, even when I was healing from being cracked open, I couldn’t stay in bed long. Ask anyone! I am stubborn. Besides, I have to look after the kids, the house and myself. Sometimes the house is a mess because of the pain. I do what I gotta do. I struggle with the shoulder pain sometimes but .. I am alone so it’s gotta be meeeeeee….

I have been taking serious social media breaks. Enjoying every minute of it. Facebook went down for a entire day and I fucking loved it. I took a weekend off (because honestly, no one talks to me. They talk about their own lives, issues and such. Cool and all – it’s great to connect. But .. whatever happened to conversation being two-sided?) .. and I loved it. I played a ton of WoW and just left my phone on the desk. Sure people messaged me, but I took my time responding.

It annoys the living hell out of people, if I don’t respond right away. Or they take it personally, which I don’t quite understand. I mean people do live outside of social media. Am I right? 😛

I just truly don’t understand humans. Wasn’t it Batty Koda who said “Humans are the weirdest people?” … I completely agree.

I signed up for tiktok but so far, I don’t see much of an appeal. Maybe I need to spend a bit more time in the app, to see? To me it just looks like another Snapchat, only with music? 

Has the terms “gaslighting” and “emotional invalidation” just come out within the past couple of years? I have been doing a bit of reading on both (for reasons !!) and yeah. I don’t recall either being in my PYSCH (I can’t spell tonight haha!) class in 2012-2013.. I don’t honestly think people realize they are doing these things. .. 

I know I am guilty of the invalidation. I know I have done this in the past. Now that I know what it means however, I don’t do it anymore.. if I do, I am very sorry. I don’t want people to think their experiences don’t matter.

There’s an experience right now which is wearing heavy on me. I won’t go into detail, but I question it often. I have only had one person acknowledge it. The rest brush it off like “Well that happened, so?” .. Like it’s unreal.

An example of this. My bank sucks. Hardcore. Someone I know doesn’t have the same experience, and they blame it on me. I mean part of the issue has been misunderstandings, this is true. But they completely blame me, say I am bad luck. Uh a person having a shitty experience is not bad luck. But again, person not realizing how shitty their words are.

I know I have fucked up in the past – people always have issues in their past. They do! 😛 .. I am not that person anymore. I don’t want to hear what people think of me (as they think I have a right to know, when I don’t care! It doesn’t affect me. They aren’t involved in my life, nor in my bed. Why should I care what someone says? I mean.. wow. ) .. I saw this meme on FB which said “You know you have grown when you stop worrying what others think of you…” and they are right. I don’t care! 😛 . Like unless it is directly affecting me in the person, I don’t need to know. I don’t care – and the person who says it should just stop it. Honestly, we’re not the same people we were 20 years ago. Or longer. 

It’s just like when people say to me “Well I am sorry your relationship with your parents is how it is”.. I’m not. I mean truth be told – when I was a kid, and started seeing other people with their parents, I would feel sorry for myself. I would think WHY can’t mine be like this? .. But as I grew older, I just accepted it. Tune it out. So when people say they are sorry that say my mother is the way that she is, be prepared for me to say “don’t apologize.” .. Or “I have accepted it, so no worries there.” I mean it took me a incredibly fucking long time to not worry about her. I think when others finally saw how she was, it helped me accept this. That and I am used to being by myself in life. I mean sure I envy it a teeny tiny bit that others can reach out to their parents for help. I know I can’t with mine (hell they don’t know shit about me, or shit about my life. Or who I am as a person now… they still think of me as this scared little kid that they can lock away in a bedroom…)  And no, I am not being sarcastic on that last line 😛

Oh and people who haven’t dealt with I have – have no right to educate me on those relationships. Sure life doesn’t last forever… but the effects of being abused in more ways than one – sticks ’round a long arse time. Just saying.

But I won’t go into that nope nuh huh.. .This isn’t a post to focus on my past. Nope. Nope. Nuh-huh.

MAN small vent though. I want to travel and hard. Fuck you COVID seriously. 

I yes I know I need a break. 

I sat here tonight and listened to music with headphones on for 3 hours. I enjoyed every second of it. The kids did their own thing. 🙂

One thing I do miss about life though? Sitting on a couch all night just talking. Or outside. You know- just not giving much of a shit about the world around you. Okay well except for the stars. Just enjoying each others’ space. That I miss. Conversation with another adult. No drama, nothing of the sort. Anything else is extra. BUT that I do miss. 

My grandmother noticed a picture I had put up of some of my Stitches. She said I should give them away to needy children. Well – not at the moment. BUT it’s in my Last Will and Testament. whatever the kids don’t want, they are being given away.

I actually sat down and thought about that. No, really thought about it. I’m honestly wanting to cut back some of my collection. Not right away of course – as it would take a long time to go through everything. I just want to be simple. I know, sounds odd for me. I just want to keep some of them – find shelves and put them up – and the rest, go to good homes. Now this may not happen until way into the future. But I thought about it. I started collecting Disney stuff years ago, and while it’s awesome…and I still collect. The only time I really think about collecting is if someone brings it up. Like I am okay buying a couple of things.. But I am finding more and more (and no, this doesn’t have anything to do with lack of funds..) that I’d rather put the time and effort into something else. I really want to get back into photography. Let other people spend their money chasing DL. Plus – the only way I can buy anything now is from a DL seller…as there are no DL stores open anymore. That eats at a ton of money I could put someplace else (like traveling!) .. I dunno, maybe the collecting headspace isn’t there at the moment. I mean it’s cool what some people find. Bonus for them. But that sparkle isn’t in it for me that much anymore. Aside from something I come across myself. I am giving myself a tiny goal to not collect as much (hahaha, watch I will change my mind on this.. BUT I will try!) Halloween is my weakness. Although this year I just didn’t go nuts. bought a couple of small things (although I have some coming in they won’t be here until much later.. sigh) .. Other than that, I was good. I have been stopping myself from buying (aside from hair dye, and pants – but to be fair Austin bought those for my birthday )..

I mean I have like 3-4 pairs of track pants I haven’t even worn. I am contemplating giving them away – they are brand new. I want to you know, give myself some breathing room. Perhaps (If I can control myself!) instead of spending the money, I will toss it into a savings account. Or into an account I won’t think of, so I won’t touch. I know it’s so hard to not want to buy that shiny. I saw this camera today on Marketplace and I melted. Not a cell phone, a camera. The specs on this thing I was … drooling! I remember how much fun I had when I was behind a camera. Perhaps someday. 

I am bummed. I found out Bryan Adams is playing in Las Vegas on my birthday. I could cover the flight and the hotel but the ticket I couldn’t do on this short notice. (as I have enough airmiles for those, and I travel cheap) .. so damn it. DAMN IT. I hope he comes to Canada or Seattle sometime soon. 

There is a windstorm happening at the moment… and I have a lingering headache. Cool. I don’t get my medication until Friday – so I hope this headache pisses off soon enough.

Okay I need to go to bed. Put my watch on DND and try to sleep. DND OH MY GODS is it the best tool ever!! 

Pardon the ramblings tonight. Soon as my fingers touched the keys it’s like I started moving.

I need a bigger keyboard. This one is too small… I like the longer ones.. hahahahaha!

Okay, night!

 

 

 

 

 

Detaching.

I haven’t blogged in some time. I really have been keeping to myself. Putting all of my emotional energy into working out. I’ve really really fallen in love with these GrowWithJo workouts on Youtube. They really burn the energy and the stress right off of you.. I suggest to anyone who is mobile, to try them!

Although yesterday and today my ribs have been hurting something fierce. Which is my own doing, I guess. Ran through the JLO Dance Workout twice – one after another. My body was like “You’re a beeeeetch!” So yeah. I did workout today, but not as fast as I tend to. I’m guessing I bruised a couple of ribs. What do they say, no pain no gain? Right.

I mean hell – I’ve been living with Chronic Pain – I just adjust. 

This entry wasn’t meant to complain about my tweaked ribs haha… 

Sitting here tonight listening to music. Just needed to ignore social media and tune the world out. The kids are doing what they do, so why not? Kailani’s new clothes for the first day of class came in, and she is SUPER impressed. Although they came in a bit bigger than we thought they would be. I am sure we can fix that somehow.

Today! I re-introduced her to David Bowie, and Princess Goes to the Butterfly Museum. Micheal C Hall sounds similar to Bowie. She seemed to enjoy both, so I hope she continues to listen to both. No pressure, she can listen to whoever she wants.

Just been so incredibly overloaded emotionally from many things ’round these parts. I won’t go into specifics, but I feel like saying “HEY, what about me?” .. LOL. I wish all the happiness and such for everyone I know and love, but damn. I also need downtime for myself. This week was insane in the membrane. Thankfully I have Monday off (booked vacation day) and I am going to enjoy it. Next weekend is Labor Day weekend. Two long weekends in a row. I don’t mind that.

I had a really weird dream last night. I won’t go into it, but LOL wow. I feel like saying get the eff out of my head. But what do they say, when you dream about something – it’s you- not them. Right? right.

My mother moved to Lazko Bc? Something like that? No one has heard from her since the move. People (including her!) expect me to be upset about the move. Not at all. For one, she picked a huge argument with me (for no reason except that’s what she does with me. And often! I don’t fight back either.. ) before the move. For two – why would I be upset if she says this will make her happy? For three, it’s not like she’s actively in our lives anyways. I mean the last time I saw her I would say was back in 2014. We’re in 2021 folks. 20-fucking-21. So no – I am not upset that she moved X amount of miles and hours away. To me, she’s always been miles away from me anyway. When she messaged me to say she was leaving the next day, I said “good journey”. What else should I say? 

I also get questioned A LOT by peeps when they can’t reach me instantly. “What are you doing?” .. Picking my arse with a fine toothed comb.. fuck!@! Seriously, not much. We’re stuck housebound until COVID pisses off… so anything I can do homewise, I will do it. If I am WoWing I always hear from people. If I am working out, same thing.

I’ll be quite frank about today. Kind of boosting my own ego for a change. My own self- if you will. I happened to look down today, and noticed some of my “roll” haha, is not there anymore. That and I made a quick glance at my backend tonight. I thought DAMN, I have been working on that butt haha… and my back to me is looking much better.  Well hell why not boost myself up? All I keep hearing around the world is negative. Gotta think positive. The workouts are helping with stress release, and hell if I can tone up this blubba why not? (Yes I can poke fun at myself.. I am entitled damn it! :P)

Really really REALLY craving new ink.  Like I really want some new ink .. With rules and how tattoo artists are overloaded as hell right now, that prob won’t happen any time soon. Sighs. I get it.

I noticed when I get too emotionally burnt out, I pull away. I shut off and do my own thing. I mean everyone has to work on their own mental health. If you feel overworked, then take your own space. That’s what I do. Sometimes it irks people because I step back but I have to. I deal with WAY more than anyone else I know. I am usually standing alone and I am OK with that. Others need constant reinforcement and sometimes I can’t be that person. I can’t always be what others need me to be, if that makes sense. Especially when I have had to deal with A LOT on my own. I’ve learned from a young age on how to take care of my own needs.. and how to protect myself.  I can be there for others, but when my own emotional needs take a slashing, I need to breathe and re-focus. 🙂

With COVID especially – So-many-people are divided. I can’t handle FB half the time anymore. So many people are angry, and taking it out on other people. Projecting? Is that what it is? Projecting their frustrations on others. I just don’t discuss COVID at all on FB. Sometimes I’ll re-tweet articles on Twitter, but that’s as far as I go.  I really wish the world wasn’t as divided as we are right now.

I shouldn’t have to defend my decisions when it comes to keeping myself, or my family safe. People have legit said to me “you need to just accept COVID” . No, I actually don’t need to accept it. If I choose not to go out shopping, it’s my fucking choice. If I choose not to travel right now because I dont’ want to risk getting COVID, I should not be judged or run down or picked apart for it. (Please note, I am used to being judged my entire life.. so this is nothing new. But it gets fucking annoying as shit after awhile). I don’t fucking care what other people choose to do. If you want to risk it, fine. My son has. Other people I know have. If I choose for my OWN safety and the safety of my children to not do something, people should accept that. If you don’t – that’s on you. I don’t know how I would handle getting COVID, or any of my kids. Especially with me having that chest cracky crack thing. Like come on people. I wish some weren’t so selfish. 

I would LOVE to travel right now. You have no idea on how much I need a vacation. Like a real no bullshit vacation. But I don’t feel safe enough traveling. Not with the numbers. I shouldn’t have to justify my reasons. I hardly like to leave the house as IT IS right now. I mean just going to Shoppers to pick up meds gives me anxiety. 

My son picked on me a couple of days ago, for wearing a mask to check the mail. He asked me why I was doing it, and I replied “because I don’t trust people”. 

I don’t, it’s true.

Like.. This past year almost two now has taught me an awful lot about society.

Tonight someone posted court documents to a Victoria Rant/Rave group. A bunch of people are suing the Government because of the COVID regulations. I am not kidding. I haven’t even made it halfway through (court papers are a jive with me, I absolutely love reading them. I always have!) .. so many people….  So many. 

I don’t know how this case will go, but I wish them all the luck in the world. 

Bit of a subject change. Still want to change my name legally. BUT cost and all of the shite you have to do, makes me have to wait. It will happen, I just don’t know when it will happen. That will be a piece of me which will finally say goodbye to the past yo. It will just take some time. This is something I have wanted to do for an awfully long time. But – with everything happening, and LIFE haha, I have not been able to do so. Not yet. Sometime!

Holy hell my ribs and back are hurting tonight. Haha, I know a little piss piss whine whine… It’s all cool. I didn’t break anything far as I know. My body is just annoyed and that’s okay.

I took a picture of myself completely half awake this morning (just for the hell of it..). I really like the picture. I don’t know, for some odd reason I just look calm. Like it’s the “first thing in the morning” look. I haven’t posted it because.. I’ll be honest – I am picky about the pictures I put up haha. But I really liked the look on my face. It’s so weird how we do that to ourselves hey? 😛 Maybe sometime I will put it up. Who knows, we will see. One of those “I felt pretty might delete later” type deals? Hah!

Keep forgetting how I have two-tone eyes. I mean how many people fully take a deep look at themselves? Do we? If you don’t, go look in the mirror. Take a good, close look. Like not enough to deep kiss the mirror or something. But look at yourself. Your hair, your smile lines. Your eyes. Any freckles? Sun spots? Your smile? See, the little parts do make sense! They all make you! I know, I am weird.

I have really been avoiding my phone this week. Just because I am on it all the effin’ time for my role. It’s absolutely nothing personal. I just get turned off using it. I text, sure. Chat? Alright. But wow this week was nuttier than squirrel poop. Nothing major. Just super busy. 

When it’s safe, I really REALLY need to go and see a massage therapist. Possibly a chiro – That one I am on the fence about.

I DO need to go see a dentist and get these teeth fixed up. I have the insurance, just need to find time and such. 

Ohhh boy. Came across a song which was dedicated to me years ago. On a jukebox in a little eatery on Granville – connecting to Davie. The person played it because he wanted it stuck in my head. The eatery is long gone, but it’s such a sweet song. More Than Words – Extreme.

Such a beautiful song. Great memory flashing to the forefront. Awe. Time of night, time of night… haha. Thanks BW. Good memory.

Had a song dedicated to me on the radio before David was born. U2’s Mysteries Ways .. I haven’t listened to that one in years. YEARS. Hahaha, I will after this song. Not sure why I am into the nostalgia tonight, but why not.

I think I think that was in my horoscope .. that I’d be listening to old tunes which had meanings.. haha. Perhaps?

A friend of mine keeps wanting me to move.. and Like – I will be brutally honest. I have done the long distance move. Three times! Once to Toronto and back (long story). To Kamloops and from Kamloops to here. Do y’all think I REALLY want to do that again? I mean if prices keep going up to the point we can’t survive, perhaps. But I really -really- don’t want to do it again. It’s such a pain in the ass to do long distance moves.  I mean unless it’s a real benefit for us. Otherwise, hell no.  I can’t do that to the kids. Way too much of hassle and stress. Like I get thinking it would be a great idea for us, but.. I don’t know.

Ever have that second of wanting to either belt out a song (even though you suck?) or scream? Yeah, me too.

When it is safe to do so, I want to take a long LONG walk around Downtown Vancouver. Around the West End mostly. To re-walk through places I lived around when I was a teen. I mainly grew up in the West End of Vancouver. I miss it. The people, the culture. I haven’t lived there in years, but when we lived there I loved it. Even though we moved and it was my choice (the kids… gotta make the kids comfortable right?) .. I still miss it. Need to walk around, walk downtown and walk to Stanley Park. Not too far in, but enough to enjoy it.

I think on Monday I am going to head up to Uptown and see if Spirit is open yet. I wanna see the Halloween stuff. Not going to go nuts, but I want to see what is available. Double mask that face omine because as I said, I don’t trust people.

Just thought about something. I have been dealing with Chronic Pain for many effin’ years. Like ever since that car accident. Thankfully my back only acts up once in awhile. Just the shoulders which act up now. They fight me all day every day. I have learned to adjust when possible but DAMN do they get annoying.

I want to eventually get up to Cache Creek and pay my respects. I asked my son to do it when he drove back, but they didn’t go through there. I hope to someday. When it’s safe. 

I am SO glad for this 3 day weekend. I can take my time, not have to rush.. and enjoy myself. Well aside from pain but BUT that’s who I am … 😛 I work out to blow off steam, to help myself and hopefully help my body get stronger. I mean damn – look what I have done?!? 😛

Really writing tonight because I needed to release. Wasn’t awake enough today to play too much of WoW.. I played for about a hour then turned it off. Legit the second I log into WoW I get slammed with messages. When I log out to respond, people go instantly quiet. It’s SO odd! 

I am in the mood for another long cemetery walk … sometime soon. I really need to just go outside away from humans. Humans are .. yeah. LOL I know we’re all human, but some humans are just nasty.

I wish for this pandemic to peacefully end. So the kids and I could go out and do something together. But right now, with people being incredibly divided .. I doubt that will happen any time soon. We’re losing precious time because people are either – ignorant, selfish or a insane mixture of both. Just from experience of course.

I want to go over to Vancouver. I really want to see my grandmother. I won’t go over there until I know it’s safe. I mean sure people are judging me for my choice. But – sorry .. not willing to risk nothing, not a thing. Nope. 😛 (Yes, I have run into this a lot as of late. People not respecting my wishes… It happens.)

Ahhh Bloodstained Heart came on. Perfect timing. Love this song and absolutely love this video. <3

Still wanting to get a tattoo which matches this song. I haven’t been able to get my thoughts drawn into a design that I want for the rest of my life. Maybe sometime. 

Oooh it’s almost midnight. Guess I should get my tuffta into bed. Tuffta? Ass? Butt, body whatever. Besides, it’s comfortable haha… Buttcheeks? well I mean technically you’re laying down in bed, so you’re not on your ass. 

Hah, sorry I needed to be a smart ass.  I gotta be meeeee…. 

Okay after this song – bed. Need to find something to watch – and chill-r-out. 

 

 

 

Yeah.

Been kind of avoiding Facebook as of late. I mean I have posted here and there. Well c’mon, the new Chucky TV Series is coming. The latest run of Dexter is coming. Of course I am excited for both – so why not post about them? Isn’t that what “social media” is about? Just checking.

I’ve had people drop me on FB, and y’know – I am completely okay with that. Honestly if my grandmother wasn’t on FB, I would delete it and walk away all together. All which seems cropping up on FB as of late – are memories which are re-hashing old emotional garbage. I have friends on there I have known for a long LONG time. But – honestly. Lately it seems like someone is always almost wanting to fight or bring up old shit. I understand I made choices years back. Things I cannot change. People make mistakes. People LIVE (hopefully) through them and move on. Some don’t, and that’s okay. I cannot take back things I have done. I have accepted I won’t receive apologies for things which have happened and I AM OK with that. What I am not okay with is having to re-hash and relive them. Like take that and shove it back. 

Like an example – I posted three pictures from a visit with my brother. Of course shit flies. I can’t post pictures without someone getting angry, poking an argument – or making it about them.

Look up “About you” by Mike Shinoda. The song fits to a T. 

So I’ll take the pictures down. After wanting to you know, share happy pictures. I just – I really don’t have the time/space/patience for bullshit anymore. I mean we’re not in high school anymore. I am an adult. I think some people have completely forgot about that. I think I have said this before, but it’s truth. Our truth.. If y’all don’t like it – jokes on you 😛

That and .. I keep hearing the horrible rumors about me. Like – the fuck? So people will respect some but always come for me with nonsense? I won’t go into it. I find it incredible that grown adults find pleasure in trying to knock others.  I won’t name the rumor or name names. As then I would be feeding into the same nonsense I am trying to steeer away from. 

I don’t talk about past history. I just don’t do it. I don’t bring up things I have been witness to. Hell I came across some horrible conversations from several years ago. Do you see me re-hashing and re-posting? (To be frank, I didn’t post any of them to begin with.). Absolutely not. I have a bit more maturity and respect for myself and for others. I’d rather just walk away completely, instead of re-hashing old shit.

I have promised myself especially now – during the pandemic. .. That I will work on myself inside and out. What I mean by that as in mind, body and soul. Well – honestly i don’t know much about soul – except trying not to harm myself. 

When old nonsense tries to rear its ugly head – I walk away. I mean to be honest, the question comes out of “why is this happening?” and “why me” “why did this happen to us, and not to others” .. But, that’s it. I don’t discuss it. I don’t go “Oh well here’s what REALLY happened..” because I am not that person. I also have said “Well just because YOU have had that experience, doesn’t mean its the same for others!” . .. Like I shake my head .. But – I say absolutely nothing. I am used to dealing with everything on my own, so hell – why change things? Outta site, outta mind 😛

To be honest if this was 20 years ago, it might have happened. Thankfully it’s not . I just – I don’t do that nonsense anymore. It sounds hippocrytical given past history. I KNOW. If you knew how I was “raised” you’d understand past behavior. Struggling with severe depression, anxiety, neglect and abuse my entire life (and thensome!) .. and yet – I still walk away.

Sitting here listening to “On A Day Like Today” by Bryan Adams .. I used to have this on every recorded tape or disc I made. Used to drive people mental. I don’t care 😛 

I really REALLY want to travel or do something. But not going there right now. I mean I know I have said I want to. BUT – nope. Not risking it. We’re all getting our second vaccines on August 6th. But my son isn’t vaccinated (his own reasons!) and I have heard of breakthru infections. I won’t risk it. 

I booked some time off and we’ll just lounge around here. 

I work out -every- single day. I found this workout on YouTube (I was working through another one months ago, – but this one I enjoy. It’s a walking work out but it’s hella fun!) .. and I have been working on it. Either I work on the 1 hour workout per day or I do the Tabata which is 33 minutes. Mainly the one hour though. It helps to ease myself each day. Even when people are being silly.

I work out for myself. Someone said a long time ago “Work out for your own improvement. Not for anyone else. Do this because YOU want to do some change!”. You’re right, I am. 🙂 Body, mind spirit. (Although my diet is meh, still working on that. Curse ice cream, curse YOOOOOOOU!!!)

Really craving a new tattoo. But with the way things are right now, I doubt that will happen any time soon.

I have a sudden urge to watch one of my fave movies. Random Teeny Tiny vent. I wish Apple Movies had more of the old 80s movies. Like Happy Together, Gleaming The Cube etc… right now those movies are slim pickings. I understand why. Licensing – can they stream it in decent quality, etc? Mainly licensing. Especially given some of the older movies were filmed with studios which no longer exist.

Although… the urge to hike the hills of Forest Lawn is hitting me and hard. I love the satisfaction and feel of accomplishment hiking up those hills. Hopefully the next time i go back – I willl go to the spots I didn’t make last time.

It’s a large cemetery. I think the next time I go up – I’ll give myself more time. More days. XD Especially when you’re walking, using LYFT to get there at the bottom of the cemetery… It’s a 300 acre cemetery (Glendale is!) .. but it’s all a effin’ hill! Hollywood Hills is 300 as well. So according to a website (who knows at what speed this would be?) An acre can be walked in 3-4 mins .. So that would take what, 7.5 hours ish? I usually stay for about 3 hour sometimes 4. So maybe one of the days I would just walk, take my time – take a fuckton of water.. and chill. Possibly. It’s the hills which make it a longer walk. That and I always ask the LFYT drivers to drop me at the bottom of the cemetery. 😉 To make it a longer walk and give me more of a run. 

That, and I need to run to a few different cemeteries as well. But – the plans will happen when they happen 🙂

I am kind of curious on those Ancestry DNA test kits myself. When I have the cash, I am buying one just as a “let’s see”.. 

I saw a pair of fluffy as hell rainbow Ugg sandals on their site today. CUTE AS EFF. I want them SO BAD! LOL … Once I have caught up, I will… 😛 Yes, I would wear them without shame. 

Another random thought. Why do people feel the need to have a “conversation” .. when it’s only about them? I don’t get it. They half-assed ask you how you are, then go into “Well this that and the other.” Or they only contact you to ask about others. Or when they talk to you, when it’s your turn to speak it’s all one word answers. Like – for real. I sometimes feel like saying “why did you call/text” me? Or “Y’know I AM RIGHT HERE…” Or “Why don’t you ask them yourself, instead of trying to gossip about others?” .. Like, I don’t understand humans sometimes. Live your lives. If you don’t want to talk to a person, make the choice. Like – I don’t geeettt iiiiit. Humans are the weirdest people. 😛  

People wonder why I am as “into celebrities” as I am.  I won’t go into too many details, but part of  it comes from being locked with a thick metal hook, in my bedroom for years.  The people I looked up to were on the radio.  

I need a incredibly long walk. Anything over 20k steps. Yes, I have done it. Working on it. Hopefully soon!

Bed soon! 

 

 

Top Ten About You..

A friend posted this on Facebook a few days ago.. and I figured I would re-write it but change it to the Top 20 things about -me- .. Challenge myself. Considering I struggled in more ways than one to fill out the Top Ten about me. So as I sit here plugged into headphones and music.. Here we go!

I’ll start from 20 down.

20. I had someone who wanted to date me in 1992/1993, and I kept saying no. We made a bet over Superman 2 (I thought the bad guy was Sean Connery!) .. So he won, and I lost.

19. I love tattoos, and have loved them as long as I can remember. I think of them as a means of art. A way of expression. Even if you have one or twenty. I do plan on more, and want to finish both sleeves. Someday!

18. All of my computer skills are self-taught. Either from monitoring others, wee training, or getting my hands in. I taught myself how to type. How to build computers. I can build a computer from scratch (and I have multiple times!) . Its my thing. I used to do web design years ago but put it to the back burner to raise kids and keep a somewhat normal household.

17. Stitch is my spirit animal. For many multiple reasons. Ohana, am I right? 

16. I am a survivor of many forms of abuse. Emotional, neglect, physical. Also of self-injury, self-harm. I’ll blog about that some other time.

15. The first band I ever fell in love with, was New Kids on the Block. I was a kid when they first arrived.. Still a blockhead. Always will be! <3 I can’t tell you how incredibly happy I was, when I found out they were back together. That and I met them in 2013. 

14. I absolutely love cemeteries. Cemetery photography. Long, quiet walks in cemeteries. They are the safest, and the best place to go. To chill, to admire the beauty of the past. I am always respectful when I visit though. I plan on seeing as many cemeteries as I can. They are such an amazing place to walk through. Just to see the history. I have been like this for as long as I could remember. I have my faves of course. I know this seems morbid to others, but I don’t care.

13. I am a former teen parent. I had my first child at 16 years of age. Yet, I strongly loathe Teen Mom on MTV. I think it’s a means to glamourize teen pregnancy. I since have had 4 more children. All 5 of my kids are amazing creatures. 

12. I loathe the heat. Even though I love it in California. I do not like the heat. It’s a thing with me. I don’t know if it’s just because of the thyroid issues, or what. 

11. If i need a little downtime, or if the day/week has been rough? I’ll slap on a set of headphones and just listen to music for hours. Especially during the pandemic and you couldn’t really go out anywhere. Best way to decompress. That, or play World of Warcraft.

10. I lost a close friend in 2019. I was left to mourn alone, as no one cared about the person. I was told the 8th person down the line, even though I was the closest person to him. Absolutely no support from anyone. All of the ignorant jokes/stabs I felt when he passed. I just clammed up and didn’t bother trying to reach out.

9. My oldest daughter is named Darryn. She was going to be a Darren or Darryn either way. Reasons. I was left alone to carry the emotions and the pregnancy. Being left to fend for myself hurt like a bitch, but I/we persevered..  I listened to a huge amount of Savage Garden/Darren Hayes music when I was pregnant. So – I decided on my own to name her Darryn. The name absolutely fits her. I was able to tell her namesake over his radio show, and when I met him in 2018. Y’know, Darryn is one of the strongest kids I have ever met. She gets that from ME!! 😛

8. I love to walk. It’s something which helps burn off steam and life? Yeah. I found these walking workouts which feed my need to walk. Well until this pandemic stuff settles down.

7. I love playing vidoe games. I mainly just dabble in WoW at the moment. I miss playing DDR. Someday.

6. I have tried twice unsuccessfully to complete my BA. Both times something family-wise came afoot, and I had to stop. I do have a Community Support Worker diploma.

5. I love long walks along the Stanley Park Seawall. Alone or with someone. I find it soothing to be that close to the water, and on a long walk. Need to do this again soon!

4. I wanted to be either an animator or an actress when I grew up. Neither one metabolised but that’s okay. 

3. I love LOVE taking a ton of pictures. Without me taking the pictures, the kids won’t have the memories right? I come across pictures years later and go “oh damn, I forgot XYZ” .. so yes. I take pictures. People have picked on me for this for years and I don’t care. A picture is a memory!

2. I have always loved the goth culture. Allllways. My mother never approved. Would force me to wear purple and other shitty colors. I’ve always loved black. Still wear all black to this day. Also have always had a thing for a dude in a long black trenchcoat .. 😉 I blame JD from Heathers for that one (but who couldn’t love that?!?!) .. I finally bought Doc Martens not too long ago.

  1. The one celebrity death which hurt the most was Heath Ledger. Well a couple others, but 2008 was an incredibly shitty year all around. 

Man, writing this out hurt. some of it. I mean not everything about me is negative. Maybe I should re-write this in the future.

Going to try and sleep. Effin’ heat dome whatever they call it.

 

 

 

11 days.

Since about May of last year – I have been completing workouts from videos I have found on YouTube.  I first started with Johanna Soh? I believe her name is. 30 minutes every day. Found it wasn’t doing much for me anymore, so then in October I began playing around with the Body Project workouts. Found those to be much more challenging, so I moved over to those.

The past almost 2 weeks I have been plugging along on these workouts from GrowByJo …man oh man do they kick my ass. But totally worth it. I found that I can push myself a bit more with these workouts. That I want to do more than 30 minutes at a time. Hell I have pushed myself to do 90. I find with the walking workouts, I can do more. I don’t need to worry about dumbells or something like that.

Years ago I walked 4km per day to and from Sowden .These workouts are 8km per day, so I figure if I keep these up, I should be able to move onto the right track. Not expecting to become the next super model, just to be in better shape. Just to fit nicely in some old clothes again. Black colored – of course! That will absolutely never change. Not now, not ever 😛

Today I was totally struggling hearing people on the phone. I turned the volume up so high on my phone, that I heard crackling. I don’t know if our system was just borked or what. That and I am sitting near a fan. If I don’t have the fan on, I feel so lightheaded and crappy from the heat. Our house is shit for this season. It doesn’t contain heat very well, and it doesn’t contain cold either. I have a portable AC in my bedroom, and it still doesn’t cool down.

I drank a way too much water today. You know that four litre jug I bought? During the day i drank two full bottles. During my workout, another almost full one. Well today the humidity sucked, so that could be why I am drinking so much water. Besides, it helps the throat.. I also realized though that even though you need extra water, sometimes it’s too much.

I remember doing this years ago. I would drink a bunch of water all the time. The problem with that though is I would forget to eat. Which would of course cause issues. I can’t do that now though because uh… not a teenager anymore … 

Back to the workouts. I can’t tell you how amazing I feel when doing these workouts. IT just pulls the stresses of the day off of me. Kind of how I felt when I walked home from Sowden. I didn’t have to worry about anyone or anything. Just me, my headphones – and the weather. I used to walk home from out this way, but with COVID I can’t do that at the moment. Even if I do go back in, I’ll walk home then do this workout. I am really enjoying it.

I am also really looking forward to the new season of Dexter. Really curious to see how things are going to turn out. I keep seeing all the new previews and SO excited. It is one of my all-time fave shows. I kind of wish they would do something like this with True Blood. But with the original cast, minus those which have passed. They plan on doing a reboot of True Blood, but it will not be the same.

Benn has been super cute today. I brought down this set of treats she really loves, and she went absolutely wild. She’s cute. I mean, this cat acts like she’s human. Stands up on two feet and everything.

I have a pile of pictures to go through. I have a apple cord which doesn’t want to work well with my computer, so guessing I will need to buy another one. Once I pay down this cell phone bill – I just might. 

I am exhausted .. need sleep. Filters are a beautiful glorious thing. *yawns* night.

Things.

When I am fully vaccinated .. I am going to take a night over to the Mainland. Tell the kids here of course, but then sneak over without telling anyone. Just go over there and be by myself for a bit.

Take a long walk along the beach (if I can, – if the weather doesn’t suck that day!) .. and just avoid all online communication.

Have you ever felt the burnout from social media? From having online access to everyone? It used to drive me nutty when people announced a break from Facebook. But, now I understand why. I fully understand why people take breaks and announce. 

Before I went to do my workout today, I was going to hammer out a incredibly filtered post. About what I have been dealing with emotionally. Yet – I didn’t bother. 93 minutes of working out took that ridic thought out of my mind and kept it to myself.  I felt so effin’ amazing after that workout. I keep reminding myself that I used to walk from Sowden to the skytrain. This workout has more miles than that workout. I hope it works out… 

Also – the thought of announcing on Facebook that I am taking a break? Would worry the living piss out of my grandmother. She’s struggled enough lately and I won’t do that with her. So i’ll just quietly piss off for the moment. Only answer messages and such. Even that will be sporadic.

What do they say – if you think about yourself… you’re obviously a narc. Absolutely not. I am trying to salvage being invalidated. Old horrible emotions and questions came back.. and I know I will absolutely never hear an full apology. SO .. after talking to my sister and crying a bit (she doesn’t know, due to the power of hiding behind a keyboard!) .. That, and thinking to myself  “All you’ll hear is people trying to deny what happened..” and FUCK I wish Arthur was here.. (I know, that is completely selfish on my part. As I know he’s not here well not in the physical can pick up a phone and call and talk to him about this… CURSES!! lol..)  I wouldn’t bother writing about it. Writing about it will just trip the memories all over and I don’t want it even more than I have it right now.

Then again, as of late? If I think about myself instead of others… I’m not supportive, or a narc, or what-everrrrr….. Dude, please. People have an absolute right to think of their life and experiences. To keep their mental health in tack, and think of themselves for once. It’s allowed 😛

I swear my life could be one of those Lifetime movies. Or an episode or four of Dexter. Y’all never know.

What is that old saying? “If you’ve never walked a mile in anothers’ shoes, you have no right to judge!” Bitch, I walk 8 miles a day on this workout I am doing… and people still judge! Not worth it nman… 😛

What also people don’t realize is this. There ARE certain things/words/phrases/days which trigger old memories. I really wish it hadn’t to be honest. I also wish I hadn’t of gone through this but I can’t change what has happened in the past. Keep people thinking .. In the interim, I am not going to talk about it. Just really fucking bummed that this has triggered old memories of old pain. Like I really want to deal with this ALL OVER AGAIN. Then again back then it taught me how to be even stronger than I am. I’m used to dealing with shit on my own. As I said before – my shoulders were built ahead of time to carry stuff. It happens! 

Please stop hiding behind the behaviors. Please stop excusing the behaviors. JUST, stop. Excusing the behavior is just as horrible as committing it. K thanks. 

The majority just go “oh you can just get over it..” To those, I politely say “go away.” .. 

NOW I know people have had shit happen in their life. Its all a learning experience. Believe me, I have done some really stupid shit in my life. I have said some really stupid shit in my life. I will NEVER deny that.. 😛 .. I have forgiven myself (because, I have to forgive myself..) ..

Geez I sound depressed don’t I? No… not depressed. Just really rather burnt out from social media. I mean, I remember the days when Facebook was fun. Now it’s just a tool people use to keep track of each other. Or catch up on others’ crap 😛

Oh and again to those in the cheap seats. Invalidating someone’s experiences and emotions? Is a form of abuse. Look it up. 

Oh, I bought one of those jug water bottles. Just to see how much water I drink in a day. Today it was 6 litres… but man did I feel like I was floating.. haha – perhaps I will stick to 4. 

What I have been doing every night before going to bed? I lay on my pillows, and I take 3 deep breaths. to help me re-focus and be ready for the next day. 2-3 ish. It helps ! Especially deep breaths.

Man, do I ever want a new tattoo right now. Sometime soon, I hope!

Again this weekend? I hear nothing from no one right? The second I go into a workout, or to play Wow, my messages go off. I just ignore them. Like – I will be sitting here ALL day and hear nothing from nobody. I log into WoW and KABOOM. I swear it’s like a sixth sense or something LOL.. Like c’mon let me play a game. I haven’t been able to play a long round due to messages.. I have got to figure out how to turn it off when I am playing.

Man, NKOTB is totally cheering me up tonight. Totally. 🙂

I seriously almost made a new Facebook profile tonight. Just to reclaim the peace. But I thought about it, and I thought no… I won’t do that right now. I will just take a break. Delete the app from my phone if I need to. 

I’ve also noticed the pandemic has changed people. Some good, some bad. Some inbetween. But its yet again, another learning experience. Y’all just go with the flow.

Oh… and to remind. I can’t resolve everyone’s issues. I can give advice. But that’s all I can do. I am only human. 😛

Still wanna write my memoirs. Someday… 

 

Flights

A friend pointed out this evening that flights are cheap right now. Going among the Google’s, I see flights are super cheap right now. Like – I could go meet a friend for less than half it used to be. Or you could get a decent flight and hotel for incredibly cheap. So incredibly tempting… BUT – need to get things in order first before I do such things.

Normally when I head out, I stay in a hostel or boarding house. I have a couple of them that  I am comfortable with. All I know is when it’s safe – I am booking a week off and taking off. I will make sure the kids are secure, and then I am outtie. I am sure the fellow parents out there completely understand where I am coming from. 

I think that the next time I take off, I’ll book a hotel. I don’t want to risk a shared room at the moment. I mean to be honest, I most likely won’t take off until next year. I am well overdue of a long hike up in Forest Lawn. 

That and I am sure my daughters will appreciate being more free. Well, maybe maybe not.

Going for the COVID vax tomorrow. Well – first one out of two. I am -really- hoping it is like the flu shot. The one I generally don’t react from. I hope so. We know of one person so far who went anaphlactic? Had a reaction? Something like that? I am tired, exhausted (like the rest of this planet, haha!) and spelling isn’t coming to me right now. 

Surprisingly enough I am not typing this out on my phone .. Just – nah. Sometimes it’s easier to type this out on my computer rather than my phone. 

Worked out today for over a hour and man, did I ever need that. Soon I hope to go walk around the Seawall. I think when I do go over, I’ll just sneak over and visit the park – then my grandmother.  Not until I am fully vaxxed though. Still protect myself BUT .. I want to see her. 

I told my oldest last night some deets right (is that what they say nowadays – deets? haha!) and he answered me by “Are you mind-fucking me right now?” ..  Kids eh?

Speaking of.. My youngest will be 15 in like 3 days… holy shit .. Then D is 19 in December. 

Part of me just wants to get on a plane – move to someplace exotic and that’s allll.. But I know I can’t do that right now. Perhaps in the distant future? 

I like to observe. I really don’t have much to say. I kind of just sit and observe. Watch everything around me. Pay attention to what matters. 

I was thinking of completely disconnecting from Facebook and Twitter for a week. Just to see how it would be like. I mean, I noticed on weekends when I play Wow and not hop online, that I feel -so- much better. Disconnecting does reset you .. 

Oh and this weather can eat a fart. I don’t mind it being like 20-22 ish.. but when you are unable to sleep, and sweating buckets? Yeah, no. The humidity has been just nuts. 

Yes I know I can handle the heat in California without issue. It’s a dry heat. It’s not damp and wet like it is here. I think that is why I could handle it in Kamloops (well, until you couldn’t sleep..)

Speaking of Kamloops. I want to go up sometime and you know, stop in Cache Creek and pay my respects. 

I hope my neighbors don’t think that because it’s Summer, that I’m going to move workouts outside. I mean sure I will do walks and things BUT my major workouts are still inside. I actually love the Team Body Project workouts. Technically I would be able to put them onto my phone and complete them outside BUT.. I don’t feel like it. 

I won’t go into my “let’s make a remix out of the pounds” today. Nah. Too tired to really care at the moment.

This world is a really odd place at the moment. I am sitting in my bubble, being safe.

Just not feeling it.

Kind of feeling a little emotional tonight. Well, that I am exhausted. Mentally and physically BUT – I am working through that.

I just.. I’m kind of getting a little frustrated in the sense of the word here. Normally nothing offends me. I am the strongest person I know. I always carry things on my shoulders and in my head. Nothing offends me, as I am so used to -all- sorts of shit happening.. that when someone says something it’s like “Oh, is that all” WOOOOOWWW… Seriously, I am so de-sensitized to shit, it’s not even funny.

It comes from my current years of .. stuff. That’s all I want to categorize it as. Stuff. Things which sit in suitcases in your “backyard”, so to speak. You try to move on from them, hopefully bury them unless you absolutely need to worry about them.

Lately it’s been a constant that someone WANTS to talk about past “stuff”. I don’t mean what is currently happening in the world around us. No, that is just more than horrible and it needs to be addressed with the proper authorities. I digress.

I normally don’t talk about my life. I just don’t. I think there are far bigger things to worry about in this world right now, than the many piles sitting on my shoulders, in my head or suitcases. I mean – life is life. You just need to roll with the punches right? Shit happens, you roll on.

Well..

I don’t think the respect is entirely there anymore – if that makes sense. As of late people (not just one or two..) have been bringing up things from the past. Things which are setting off depression, old hurt emotions, old emotional pain. I am being pushed to discuss things that honestly – I don’t care to do so.

Yet, and the thing is this. If I don’t talk about it, I am being labeled “not wanting to support” and that I am purposely being this way. Oh good lord no. Do you think for one moment I don’t want to be supportive? I always want the best for my friends and family. I always have. Even from a young age!

The thing is though, people have boundaries. They have things in the past which they remain stay there. Unless they absolutely want to talk about it. Lately it seems like topics of discussion are just dragging up old hurt. It feels like my boundaries are not being respected. If I say I don’t wish to discuss something, leave it alone. Unless I absolutely feel comfortable with you, and comfortable talking about this.. 

Like unless you’ve walked in my shoes 110% of the time, you have zero idea.

I understand everyone goes thorugh stuff in their life. Life isn’t always horrible either, I mean there has been some decent times in my life. I just, some things I wish to keep away.

Please stop asking me how SO AND SO made me feel. (SO and SO could be anyone, FYI. Not connected to anyone in paticular, it’s just an example.) Please stop referencing current subjects with things which happened to me. I’ll smile, nod and not respond.

Like when someone or people constantly disrespect your boundaries – what do you do? Do you ghost them? Do you continue to keep to yourself, like you have since childhood.

I get it, life moves on life changes… bring on the country music and the pale ale. It’s just some things people don’t wish to keep beating a dead or DEADER horse on. I wish to keep things behind me, not keep digging old past shit up.

It almost feels at times that I push people away. I do when they keep pushing discussions I do not wish to have. It’s just.. I like not having to worry about people/places/things I cannot control. 🙂

I need sleep.

Lazy Sunday.

Today it was kind of a lazy Sunday. Boring – dragged out longer than it had to, lazy Sunday.

Shit. Just noticed one of the cats has chewed my charge cable. I’ll need to buy another one soon. Stinkers they are. 😛 Stinkers but incredibly cute. One of them left a horrid one in the litterbox yesterday, and MAN did Darryn’s room smell like shite for hours. Thankfully the smell dissipated, but hot damn. 

I completely forgot about having my main domain attached to my Instagram. Ooops. Ah well, there isn’t much there anyways. I mean – it’s just random links. I really don’t do web design anymore – well, aside from snippets here and there. I used this free layout and just edited it to fit. Easier than writing one from scratch. Which I can do, but damn. Having the time to do so is just – no. I’d rather walk on coals at the moment than do that shite. I mean – I can still wear the badge of completing web design over dial up. Things that kids nowadays would not know about haha.. I still remember pissing people off with me always being on the phone. Tying up the lines.. hahaha.. Good times.

Really and truly needed someone to talk to tonight. Seriously could not find anyone. Not a soul. Everyone was busy, offline, or getting ready for the work week. So – screw it. I shall deal, I always do! 

I think it’s absolutely hilarious when someone tries to scam me. Like – do ya think I fell off the .. nevermind. I put something up for sale, and the -first- thing the person asks? “Oh, can you ship”.. going deeper into the conversation – they -demand- I ship overnight. Now note, this is without any payment sent. Yeah, no. That and I google’d the provided address and it was a piece of a road. No – sorry. This is why I absolutely loathe selling things online… BUT – I wanna get this off to someone else. So eff it, they can stew and I will wait for another offer.

Like people must really think that others will fall for their games. I could write a book on how many incredible articulate scams I have come across online. It’s mainly through the online sites BUT… I have had horrible experiences with even Monster. cooommmm and a couple of those job-search places. You really just need to educate yourself and others, on the types of scams out there. Be careful – eyes and ears open.

I still think someone should coordinate a class or three, at senior centers. About how to avoid scams. That way we won’t hear of so many people being scammed out there. If I had the means and the option to do so, I would teach those classes. I would, ask anyone.

I had put on Con-Air tonight, to try and settle my nerves down a slight. My neighbors decided they wanted me to hear their sounds, as always. What I really -really- want to do, is buy one of those Fart Machines and hook it up near my wall. As it’s mainly my wall they slam against. I mean think about it for a second here. Do you think the landlord would take on a fart complaint? Like how could they possibly explain that? XD ..  Or what I might do is record the pounding someday, and toss a freebie music track to it. Kind of spruce up the wall-pound. I think that would be absolutely hilarious. Aside from being annoyed because c’mon… they hear a lot of random shit from my house at times. Mainly the cats and the kids. Austin sometimes as well, when he’s in full-on meltdown mode.

We finally gave away all of those bottles which took up space in my yard. We also tossed the rest .. so now our teeny tiny patch o’grass looks somewhat okay. What I want to do is maybe plant a couple of small things out there, but somehow corner them off so they don’t get wrecked. I don’t know, we will see. I don’t have a green thumb, and I really don’t have the time or patience for it. But, who knows. Maybe i’ll toss some cat grass back there or something. I am sure the neighborhood cats would love that 😛

Right now how I feel is this. Big fucking giant wall. Me behind it – but standing the farthest back as possible. I promised myself I would duck out, and I meant every moment. I just – I watched this video by Nicole Arbor today and it made sense. I am sure someone can Google her – she’s on IG. I agreed with the video. I would link it, but I don’t know if IG videos / reels can be linked into a blog? Or can they. Might try it, just not tonight. Just way too tired to give a shit to be honest. BUT – again, look her up. Some of the things are absolutely agreeable. 

Oh, I fixed an old pair of Beats tonight. So I have had 3 pairs of these headphones in the past what 2 years? Two pairs, the bluetooth crapped out in. I don’t know about anyone else, but I NEED MUSIC when I am out walking. Or just going to the store. Or to incredibly avoid people because.. I am not a people person. Anyway – we still had this one pair kicking around that I almost gave up on. The bluetooth worked, but the cups on the thing were falling apart. So .. I ordered a couple of sets from Amazon. Fixed them all up nice and pretty. They work like a dream! Although all of the crud left behind from the removal leaves little to the imagination (and blahg…) but they work. that’s all I give a fuck about, until I can afford a different type pair of headphones. I hope the bluetooth doesn’t die in these. That would completely totally suck ass. 

I watched a live stream today, of a friend in Disneyland. It brought back so many memories for me. Like the time I took myself to Disneyland for my birthday. I fucking LOVED it. To be honest though, I was way too tired and sore to fully enjoy it. As I had walked for almost a week before going. Next time I go, no cemetery walks before – all will be after. But man.. I miss that place. It’s a place where the kid in you comes out in full force. Plus – next time I am getting my ass on more rides. I think I rode like 3 rides when I was there? I don’t know, I would have to check my videos. But, I loved it. So I sat here today before my workout, and I enjoyed every second of it. I hope to go back someday. 

I want to eventually take the girls. I think we will wait until Kailani can sign off on her own passport. Which is only a year away. Besides, it would take time for me to save the money to go.

I want to take the kids to Seattle first. To see how they handle being in the US. Before we go to California, which is much further away than Seattle. At least Seattle we have multiple ways to get back here. California would be a flight or a drive… so yeah – let’s try something a bit closer first. Of course I would give the girls fair warning first but hey… it’s a thought to do in the future. 

Really enjoying this whole working out thing. I do it every day – well unless I have burned off enough calories and such. I have really grown to love this workout that I do… and I change it up a bit. this month I am working on different things. I won’t go into too many specifics but.. It’s a personal stress release for me. That or WoW. Both of them help deal with frustrations in life. Which helps, considering what I deal with on the daily. 

Ugh, it’s 10 and I need to go to bed soon. Gotta do the adulting thing tomorrow. 

There are nights like -right now- , where I feel like unplugging the Shaw modem, hiding the power cable – and bullshitting the kids. So I wouldn’t have to hear the meltdowns for -once-. But, I know that would make things worse. So I would never do it. I just hope he goes to bed soon…  :/

 It’s like I can’t do anything to calm the meltdowns. The best I can do is let him rip them out, and hope he eventually self-soothes. It’s rough for everyone. Especially for him. I just, I don’t even know. It’s rough because I have no support from -anyone-. When I hear someone complaining about Single Parents (mostly mothers which – the fuck??-) I want to scream and loudly. I have seen that online a ton lately. Another rant for another day. 

Okay I am going to head to bed.