Weird.

I sat here a few days ago and wrote a huge, lengthy post. Woke up and the draft/entire post was gone. No back up. Nothing – just *poof*. 

Not entirely sure what happened. That – and the same day FFXIV crashed. Yeah – my horoscope also descripted that I would have tech issues that day. Weird, isn’t it? I think so.

Kind of bummed actually. As I had written everything on my mind at the time.. Now – out into the tech void. C’est la vie.

I had a really shitty time sleeping last night. Anxiety decided to run through my mind last night .. and wouldn’t shut the hell up. No matter what I tried. Nope, nothing. Finally was able to settle 90 minutes later. 

Drifted into this – all I will describe is, wonderful dream. I really didn’t want to wake up – My mind kept saying “stay here as long as you can”. Ever had a dream like that? It’s like, I didn’t want to leave this feeling. If that makes any sense. Sidenote – I am exhausted from the shitty sleep so – I may make no sense.

I remember the dream to the T. It was almost like it was sent to me as a “just relax, woman!” .. I wanted to hold onto that feeling as long as I possibly could today. Seriously – I held onto that feeling for the majority of the day. I know it seems silly to hold onto a “dream”.. As you know – dreams are just something your mind does. Right? Or wait.. “Dreams are stories and images that our minds create while we sleep. They can be entertaining, fun, romantic, disturbing, frightening, and sometimes bizarre.” .. You’re right, this dream was a story, image which was entertaining. That’s all I will advise about it. But – it was -nice-. It was nice. 

Hopefully tonight I sleep – or more than I did last night. I hope I hope!

The anxiety just has been up and down as of late. I think the pain as well. Up and down like a teeter totter. It’s so weird. I kind of have a feeling as to why it’s happening. I won’t go into specifics. I think it’s just leftovers from all of the stuff in the past few months.

I need another cemetery walk – STAT. I do.  This will happen sometime soon. When it’s a nice day. 🙂

I made myself go downtown last weekend. Ran a few errands. My anxiety was up super high being down there – not going to lie. So many people so close to one another. Hardly any masks. Not me – I was masked up. Sweating buckets (I am on a hyperthyroid flare right now.. I can tell. ) and yeah. Grabbed a bubble tea, then headed home. I tried to keep to myself as much as possible, aside from the small purchases I made. I also forgot how stuffy and hot MEC is. That building always set me off sweat wise. I don’t know what it is? Like I had my hoodie on and a tank top – and I still came out of there sweating buckets. 

I know this sounds silly.. but I ordered myself a new bra online. (Really didn’t want to go into a store) .. they shipped it in a -very- large box.  Why? Like why not just place it in a mailer? It’s a bra .. I doubt it would break. 😛 It’s from a company who says they are “environmentally friendly..” Shipping a bra in a box? 😛 No.. It just seems silly . I’m not complaining about it – it just seems like a huge waste of cardboard.

Sat here tonight and to kill time, went through all of my dresser drawers. Recycled a whole shit ton of paper. 🙂 I have a note to myself to slowly de-clutter the rest of the house. It’s going to happen in June. D’s room, hallways – laundry room, bathroom and kitchen. My room as well. All of it will be de-cluttered. Even if I have to take the time. (I have two borked shoulders which sometimes slow me down..)  I plan on buying bins and putting them in D’s closet. One thing at a time. I do plan on eventually renting a steam cleaner and buying some paint. But sometime in the future. Soon though, as it needs to be done. 

Spent a bit of time at the dentist a few days ago. four cavities – YIKES. But they allowed me to watch A Knights Tale while drilling. Thank the gods!

Oh.. and I finally am seeing my normal natural hair color. I have had people ask me if this is dyed. Nope. Well, not at the moment. It will be soon! I have to fix it. I used to go years back in the day, without dying my hair. Now I like to have fun with it. Even though my hair is fried to shit, I still like dying it. I mean it’s hair right? Right.

I told my siblings yesterday that I feel like a ghost. Especially when it comes to our mother. People who are close to me understand this. It’s okay though, I have accepted this. Only writing about it to get it out of my head before I go to bed. Or I seriously won’t sleep. 

Someone I know advised me that you can go to the US, to get the next COVID booster. I mean hell, I’d be up for that if necessary. My only issue with that of course is this. Would the Canadian gov’t accept the record from the US? I did a Google search (take it as you will!) and there are thousands of Canadians going to the US. Why? The BC Gov’t is toying around when you should or IF you should get a booster. People are frustrated. I am not saying this in the way I feel , no. Others are saying this because they are frustrated. I understand it. In the US – they recommend a booster after four months (sidenote, this is from a quick Google search!) .. BC is 6 months IF and IF you’re the age you should have it. I mean on the flipside to this – US is telling Americans to come here to get medication, as it’s cheaper? So yeah. I just don’t know. I wish things regarding to COVID and meds were the same across the board. Again, writing this completely exhausted and needing sleep. 

Finally bought some black nail polish and am going to polish up these toes! Needed, necessary. 🙂

If this post disappears come tomorrow morning, I am seriously not going to be impressed. Sending “do not disappear” vibes to WordPress. (given this is hosted on my domain..it should not disappear!) 

 

Really scattered. Is that right?

It’s a headphones and music night. I wrote out a entry but tossed it into a Notepad. Been doing that a LOT lately. Just been needing to get the really personal things out of my head. 

I decided to ignore social media this weekend. I just – I needed a breather. I popped on every now and again. But in all honesty ? Each time I logged in – it was.. Let me put it this way. With a NPD parent – they constantly need/want/crave attention. Think toddler tagging on your pantleg. Yes – it’s that extreme. 

It’s rough. Especially when it’s nothing but negativity. Non-stop. I don’t think I have heard anything positive from this person in what, years? Perhaps? There’s nothing positive about me.. It’s always about my siblings. I yeah. I don’t know what to say about that.

I had something said to me in conversation that I absolutely had to ignore. It felt like a giant punch to the gut (kind of like when I was a kid.). I didn’t respond. Closed the window,  opened FFXIV and spent the weekend playing it. 

Like I know the negativity hasn’t changed. That’s nothing new. The one-sided conversation? That’s also nothing new. The paranoia? That’s also nothing new. Like, I am accused of ignoring a conversation when I am sound the eff asleep. I can’t help it that my Apple Watch grabs FB messages. I’m not ignoring anyone. The watch has a mind of it’s own sometimes.  Sigh to the paranoia. 

I could seriously ring the neck of the person who showed her how to use Facebook. It’s still about this sense of control. Only this time – she can’t lock me in my bedroom. I can close the window, ignore it and move on. I can walk away from social media, hop on a game…and DND everything. My kids know how to reach me if they need to. Like… it’s seriously draining. Emotionally and yeah. I am expected to be -there- for these one-sided knife fights but… to be there for me? Not a hope in the pit of Hades. 

Like – wow. WOW. Seriously. Oh – and if I hear one more person tell me to “Forgive and Forget” ..completely invalidating the experiences I have had? I will fucking scream. Unless you have walked a mile in someone else’s shoes – ya’ll have no right. People have experiences. I realize people do change, BUT invalidating their experiences? Is not a way to deal with situation.

But , what do I know? 😛

I know in the past few months, I have been struggling quietly w/depression and anxiety. I know this. I can -feel- it. Things I am generally into and get hyper-excited for? I have been struggling to enjoy. I have been working through this. It’s like, people burn me out. I know my house needs one hell of a deep clean (which I will be doing and ASAP!). I know I have been neglecting things I need to do. I have just been so exhausted. From all sides of the coin. What can I say, people wear me out? What else do they say “How do you know it’s depression, and not from dealing with assholes..” I honestly think it’s both. Just worn out. Like I am expected to be the one to hold the line… but on the other line? there’s nothing pulling it. 

I am in dire need of a very deep massage. A long lasting hug (and not from a stuffed alien)… and if possible – something else. BUT – I will take my next best option. A long ass walk in a cemetery. Just me, my music and nothing else. 

What I think I will do is toss on Princess Goes to the Butterfly Museum on my phone..and just mellow out for a bit. My left shoulder has been a bitter little troll as of late. Nothing helps either. No pain killer, nothing. It has it’s moments. Just as the tooth infection settles down a moment – now the shoulder. To be fair, my shoulders and back are always in pain. I work out to keep my strength. It’s nothing rough, but what I can do. I took a picture of me covered in sweat, to prove it’s me kicking my own arse.

Awe shite. Checked the Princess site – the t-shirt I wanted? Sold out. Curses! 😛

Was playing with some of the filters on IG… super cute. I mean hell – everyone uses them – so why not? 😛 

Okies, bedtime. 

 

 

Could use a do-over

I seriously could use a do-over for this weekend.

For the past now 2 weeks (I would imagine longer..) I have been struggling w/a cracked tooth (big crack!).. which just so happens to have an exposed and infected nerve. Or nerves.  Holy shit – I do not recommend. 0/10. Yes, I went to the dentist. Prescribed Amoxicillian. Did -nothing- for me (which generally it doesn’t, as usual..) .. Went to the doc on Thursday and was prescribed Clavulan ( I am prob mispelling, but I am exhausted.) I have not slept much if anything at all in the past 2 weeks. Still somehow manage to function (although my house is a disaster.. meh).

Then my shoulders started acting up. Joy of joys. My lower back has been screaming at me since I started the new antibiotics. Go figure. THEN Saturday a full-blown wanting to throw up, blinding pain inducing migraine. I haven’t had one of those in a -long- time. That, and I can hardly eat without screetching pain. I can’t get the infected tooth completely cured, unless I come up with 600 for a post? Or the dentist somehow advises the insurance company to cover the post. So yeah. I am not a bundle of fun at the moment. Still have the leftovers of the migraine (the lingering head pain.. ugh!) .. and the teeth which are infected are really beginning to piss me off.

I know, whining bout’ my medicals.. But hell – at least I can poke fun at myself. I find if I eat something super soft, it doesn’t seem to piss off the infected root/nerve .. so I have been on a strict diet. But it’s either that, or I keep dealing with screetching pain.

I will never understand why something SO damn tiny causes so much incredible pain. Like Friday going into Saturday? The darn tooth popped in my mouth. Popped and then caused pain. Like, whoa?! Sigh all around. I hope the anti biotics clear it up soon, because it’s driving me insane.

::

I ended up closing my bedroom door tonight, in hopes I can get some sleep. I am not writing about this to complain (as I am sure others have worse off issues than I do… right?) .. just writing about it to get it out of my head.

I do still work out – yes. However, since the tooth issue happened, I can’t workout for long. The jaw being jarred due to movement, causes pain to shoot downward. So I have to cut it down a notch. For now. I know, I am stubborn.

I am in such a dire need of a full body massage. I am going to see if any massage places are taking newbies. I really really REALLY need a massage. I need to loosen things up. So tense. I have a feeling the tension and stress is what is causing the migraine. Damn – that was a doozy!::

Subject change a tad. I made a list of goals I want to accomplish. I wanted to tackle some of the house this weekend, but I opted against it. Not until this infection pisses off. I will be gutting once it’ pisses off however. First thing will be D’s room. Then the hallway, laundry room, bathroom, my bedroom – Kailani’s room, the kitchen and downstairs hallways closet, laundry room for suuuuure.. I imagine we could easily donate or trash a good 50% of what is taking up space. That and when I finally get D’s room done, we can use it for storage – to tidy up even a bit more. Would be nice. Well – once it’s completely done. I reckon I would neeed a few weekends – as I don’t want to overwhelm myself (as chances are I will be doing this on my own). and give myself small goals each time I reach out to do it. I reckon K will do her bedroom… but the rest? Mainly me. Which is fine, people just need to go with my flow. It’s just me ya know 😛

I have been enjoying the time off of social media. No joke. I have been taking the weekends, and just not being on social media. It really helps! It does. It’s not that I am ignoring it. I just have been taking tiny leaves here and there. I find I can function better during the week, if I take a break every now and again.

Just did a quick look around in my room… and yeah. I have a bunch of shit I want to toss/donate – or what. Same with D’s room. There is so much shit in there which is being tossed. Need to reach out to a junk pick up person and see if they can pick up all this stuff we’ve collected over the years. I have a plan in mind to start. Need bins, and a WHOLE lotts garbage bags. Big ones! XD .. and masks. I have stuff I wouldn’t mind selling but honestly? I don’t want to bother. Might just bin them up and put them away for now. I just don’t have the patience to deal with the Buy and Sell. Too much of a pain in the butt.

Okay, bedtime. I do not want to get too far ahead on things. I just think with things as it stands, it’s about time we rid this place of excesses. Just stuff we no longer need, right? right.

Again, not wanting to get ahead of myself. It just feels like so much clutter. Which is collecting dust. I am sure if we cleared up a good portion of the clutter, we’d be okay. Right? Right. Less to worry about.  Not wanting to overwhelm myself – one step at a time. Do what I can handle. Right? With this infection, I don’t want to push myself either -so it shall wait. As long as I get it done eventually. Just need to get myself into that “fuck this we’re doing this now!” mindset.

Okay, time to header to bed. 

 

Oh, the ..

Ahhh, good ol’ Jack Sparrow .. (decided to re-watch Pirates of the Carribean. It’s been ages since I’ve watched these all the way through.). Well, I am kind of watching it. I have headphones on – to try and drown out .. life? The world? I don’t know. Just – kind of burnt out as of late. 

I had this window open for the majority of the evening. I couldn’t really play with my cell phone as the battery was charging (I killed it something fierce today.. Hah!) .. Was trying to focus on Pirates of the Carribean – Dead Mans’ Chest. I think I’ll re-watch them tomorrow.

I need to keep a notepad running about blog entries that I want to write.  Especially with this Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard trial. It to be honest – is really causing me to flash back and remember things which happened in my childhood.  To add to this – when I see people say “I wish I could go back to being a kid”.. I laugh, then I think to myself “Not a chance in the pit of Hades would I EVER want to live that again!” .. Yeah. That’s how I feel.  Just from personal experience. I would never want to live through that shit again. Nope. You couldn’t pay enough money. 

But – not going into that at the moment. Nope. 

Fuck. I had this entry in my mind and then it disappeared. I barely slept last night (I dunno, I just kept waking up and checking my watch. I have an alarm on the darn thing. I don’t get why – but yeah. Every freaking hour my mind was like “GET UP ASSHOLE!” .. Maybe tonight I’ll leave the watch off. I don’t know, we shall see. It’s just the anxiety and pain checking in. Making sure I still function, I guess? 

Oh I know. I need to fix my haaair. It’s a darn mess. I need to fix the color. Right now it’s a mixture of dark brown and a splat of old bleach. I have like a cupboard full of colors. I need to get the energy to deal with it. I also need the energy to deal with the remnants of D’s old room, the laundry room, and other shit. Sure, gimme a week which I’m not incredibly busy. Then I’ll do all this .. why not? 😛 . I joke. I plan on making a list of small goals and getting to them one by one. I mean – there is a bunch of stuff we can toss or somehow donate. I’ll figure it out. Once we get through this hump we’re in right now.

I smell like strawberries. I have the Jeffree Starr lotion.. I smell niiiice. Ha, random thing to post about. Thought I would because why not? I just wish it had SPF. I would use it more often if it did. Trying to protect things here, yo! Perhaps in the future? I hope.

I want to go up to Kamloops and see my son. I also want to go up and pay my respects to a friend of mine. I came across pictures of the last time I saw him in person.  Life just likes to play around with ya sometimes… lemme tell you.

I really really really (did I say really?) want a new tattoo… I know exactly what I want at the moment. I wonder if I can find someone who is doing walk-ins? Need me some buuuuuurnnnnn…. I just want a small wrist tattoo. I wonder if I can find someone. 

Oh, and Orajel doesn’t work when you have an exposed and infected tooth nerve. It really doesn’t. Soon as you touch the nerve, you shreeeek. It sucks. Or if you try to jump around during a workout. If you think your mouth is covered, think again. Yeah – it really isn’t. I need to keep moving though.. I wouldn’t recommend it though as it just screams. Although I did manage to get a bit more water in there today, which was NICE. Seriously. You have no idea on how much you miss when something gets in pain like that. Yikes. /small white about paaaain.

What I really want to do – is go and see my son, and my grandmother. As I haven’t seen both since the pandemic hit. I know of several who have gone across on the ferry, and haven’t had issues. My only drawback is I also know of people who have gone across, and gotten sick. So yeah – rock in a hard place.  

This entry is all sorts of random tonight. The thoughts of a rambler. Yeah – also been up since 5, with broken sleep. That’ll do it.  I have been learning more toward plugging into music and tuning out. It’s just – needing to decompress even more so. Going to bed at night, and hugging the living shit out of ALF.  (PS, do you believe that ALF has a Twitter? Whut?)

It’s really weird .. how the world is at the moment. I mean like not even 10 years ago, we had to worry about different things. It’s just a weird, scary time that we’re in at the moment. I mean sure go with the flow. But it’s .. yeah. 

Okay – outtie.

 

 

 

Yeah.

It was just one of those days. 

Still dealing with this horrid exposed nerve. I say horrid – because damn. If I move or breathe – it sends vibrating shooting pain down my jaw. Nothing helps. Seriously, nothing. Been living off a barely there water and banana diet. Tonight – I shoved a piece of banana over the hole, just so I could get some fucking relief. Like they aren’t lying when they say tooth pain is the worst. No – tooth nerve pain. Like, I handled being cracked. This – this is just bloody annoying.

I talk on the phones all day, so yeah. My stats are in the shitter right now because I take longer aux. I can’t help it.. The majority of time it’s tossing what Clove Oil onto the nerve, so it stops being a douchebag? It numbs but the pain is still there.

I have antibiotics.  I feel like a freakin’ baby yo.. when I deal with pain every single day.

::

I mean right now all I want to do is drink liquid without pain. ANY liquid (well, I mean c’mon – suitable liquid. Not alcohol. Like – water for crying out loud!) .. 

That and my under eye is red as shit right now. I reacted to some skin care I was trying. So I look even worse for wear at the moment. NOT that I am a snob or anything but damn. I am trying to help my skin, not piss it off even more. 😛

I made myself a promise to keep the majority of life stuff off of social media.  I just feel if it’s something needing addressed, we can do this without bitching on a wall. If you know what I mean.

I was locked out of my main FB profile up until today. I finally managed to get the silly MFA thing to work. Go me. Well, eh not really. I didn’t actually realize how much I missed being away from that profile, until today. The -second- my mother realized I was online? 100 messages about -her- life. No hi, no “how are you” just -her- life.  Put on my headphones and just yeah. 

I was told by someone today (who isn’t connected) that I should write a script about my life. I have two posts so far, neatly tucked away.  You never know, maybe one of these days I will finish that novel. I know I sound silly but wow. Well hell my life has been -interesting- to say the least … so who knows? Perhaps in the future.. 

I need another cemetery walk, and stat. I won’t do it until this tooth infection settles though. As I’m noticing when I move or walk it really annoys the shit out of it.  I am also incredibly grateful for dental insurance. Seriously – you have NO idea. 

I neeeeeed a serious breather from the past several months. A long, hard breather. Hahahaha, I said hard. Well – I could use that as well (as hot damn it’s been a loooooooooooooong time!) but no. I am in a sarcastic mood. Need to burn this shit off before I go to bed.

What I need is a many hours long conversation. Yes. Something outside, on a beach under the stars. That would be nice. Perhaps sometimes in the future? I mean who knows right? The world is a odd odd place right now.

I have a whole lotta need right now. I do. Not going to lie. But for now, I will just saddle through another day. Try not to think about today or this effin’ tooth! 😛

This week.

Welp…

Went to the dentist today. Cracked tooth – exposed nerve. (I kind of figured that .. as I have dealt with this before.) Nerve is infected and causing freakin’ shooting pain. Not fun. Nothing helps either. So right now – antibiotics and a whole lotta “PLEASE WORK NOW DANG IT!”….

It’s the thing -you know? The aftermath of a doctor or dentist poking where it hurts. I came home in tears .. as well – they poke and prod to see what the issue is. Holy shit does that hurt man. I can tend to take A LOT of pain. I giggle when I am in pain (it sucks – really. Nerve thing perhaps? I don’t know.. ) but wow does tooth pain really kick your arse.

I still continue to work out – I just do things slower. Until these effin’ antibiotics kick in. 

I really am not a big wuss. Really. I mean c’mon – I had 5 kids. I had my chest cracked open. I was deflated (hahaha!) and yeah. Multiple tattoos – etc. But holy effin’ hell a nerve gets exposed in your mouth? Hot damn. Nothing helps either. I have 3 different versions of Oragel. Clove Oil .. nothing takes the edge off. 

I know .. I am complaining. Well shit. It hurts. Nerve pain doesn’t tickle. 😛 I am on a roll right now. Shoulders screaming and now effin’ tooth nerve pain. Go me! 😛

::

On a side note. I was locked out of my FB profile. How this happened – was this. I cleared the cache on my browser. Facebook decides to go “Hey, we need a code to prove it’s you…” Only – they never send the code. I tried over the span of 3 days before I said eff it. I can’t view Instagram in my browser either. They’re both owned by Meta… which hell if you offer MFA – FIX IT so it works. So I sailed onto another profile.

I love my friends, I really do. -Every- single one of them messaged me, to confirm the added profile was legit. Awe <3 Thanks for checking on me!

To be honest, it’s actually been nice being locked out of Facebook. Although the odd thing is? I can still access Messanger. 

I am slowly but surely moving people over. When I have time and patience and all that stuff. 

Oh and again to those in the cheap seats? This nerve pain sucks. SO MUCH… 😛

It’s a DND Music night. Yes.