Well hello blog, long time no write.
I have written and deleted four paragraphs so far. I have written a 3 hour long post in the past couple of weeks – just to delete it. There are times where life issues don’t belong on the internet.
I have been working out since last year. I did find out the workouts I was doing – were not enough to really do much except be a bit fun. Fine – no worries. I found this other workout which has been kicking my ass, but helping.
Since I was weighed in February (for a medical procedure!) I have lost somewhere in between 42-45 pounds (the doctor scales are always off by 10 pounds for me.. I don’t know why?) and I know I have lost inches (just how clothes feel…and I’ve noticed.) So yay for me. I haven’t talked much about this because to be honest? I was trying to keep this tiny bit of positivity to myself. So yay for small victories. I have small goals for myself .. I hope if I keep going this route, that I will get down to the weight I was in Kamloops. If not, close enough to it. Would be nice, but hell toning and you know, losing inches is okay with me. I am going to continue on as much as I can. Small goals small GOOOOALS!
I want to do this slowly. If you lose weight too fast, it’s hard for your body to keep it off. I want to get this extra-ness off and keep it the fuck off. I know I will struggle more than the average, due to the thyroid issues. Which is completely fine, I will work around them 🙂
So, yay for me *pats myself on the back*. I know at my age as well, plus the medication I am on – makes things a little harder to lose weight. But I am doing it. Slowly. So proud of myself.
I do know I will always have loose skin. I had 5 kids yo, give a girl a break 😛
I know I have to be careful because of being cracked – ha! I only do low impact. No weights, no running, no on the floor-ish stuff. I do what I can. As I said – I know this will take longer but worth it. Hell if I have lost this much in 8 months … Bring it on. It’s one thing I have focus on right now. Working on myself.
Does anyone know if mitral valve regurgitation heals themselves? I didn’t think so.. but the past couple of tests they have done, the leak is showing up smaller and smaller. The doc indicated recently this last time that they couldn’t see the leak at all. That they want to re-test in 1-3 years to see if it’s even there at all.
How do you fuck that up? I don’t understand. She said it could have been something else, but nothing is showing. These things normally don’t heal themselves. I’m actually rather intrigued. I mean hell, if it’s not there – BONUS.
The shoulder issue though – that isn’t going away. I am working out to try and help myself become stronger and more healthy. Lately though my shoulders and arms have been angry. Like angry. I know the temp changing has something to do with it. I did mention it to the doctor, and they’ve noted it. They can’t do much. But holy shit. I don’t have a choice but to use them – so I just go with the flow. Drives me absolutely effin’ crazy some days though. BUT I am a single parent … so yeah.
Holy hell though… when it’s cold in the house – my arms lock up and hurt. Bad. I mentioned this to the doc.. there isn’t much they can do. My shoulders hurt SO bad when it’s cold. It reminds me of when I was in Kamloops. They hurt and BAD during the winter. I hid it because – I have to. But holy freaking shit. I don’t think the working out is pissing them off, because I don’t do arm exercises. I just don’t. Nor do I do push ups, or anything of the sort. The weather just sets them off. they do ache everything other season but when it’s cold, it’s 10x worse. It doesn’t let up – and no amount of pain killers dulls the pain.
I have had people say to me “Well you must not be in that much pain. You’re walking, talking and not spending all of your day in bed…” Dude, even when I was healing from being cracked open, I couldn’t stay in bed long. Ask anyone! I am stubborn. Besides, I have to look after the kids, the house and myself. Sometimes the house is a mess because of the pain. I do what I gotta do. I struggle with the shoulder pain sometimes but .. I am alone so it’s gotta be meeeeeee….
I have been taking serious social media breaks. Enjoying every minute of it. Facebook went down for a entire day and I fucking loved it. I took a weekend off (because honestly, no one talks to me. They talk about their own lives, issues and such. Cool and all – it’s great to connect. But .. whatever happened to conversation being two-sided?) .. and I loved it. I played a ton of WoW and just left my phone on the desk. Sure people messaged me, but I took my time responding.
It annoys the living hell out of people, if I don’t respond right away. Or they take it personally, which I don’t quite understand. I mean people do live outside of social media. Am I right? 😛
I just truly don’t understand humans. Wasn’t it Batty Koda who said “Humans are the weirdest people?” … I completely agree.
I signed up for tiktok but so far, I don’t see much of an appeal. Maybe I need to spend a bit more time in the app, to see? To me it just looks like another Snapchat, only with music?
Has the terms “gaslighting” and “emotional invalidation” just come out within the past couple of years? I have been doing a bit of reading on both (for reasons !!) and yeah. I don’t recall either being in my PYSCH (I can’t spell tonight haha!) class in 2012-2013.. I don’t honestly think people realize they are doing these things. ..
I know I am guilty of the invalidation. I know I have done this in the past. Now that I know what it means however, I don’t do it anymore.. if I do, I am very sorry. I don’t want people to think their experiences don’t matter.
There’s an experience right now which is wearing heavy on me. I won’t go into detail, but I question it often. I have only had one person acknowledge it. The rest brush it off like “Well that happened, so?” .. Like it’s unreal.
An example of this. My bank sucks. Hardcore. Someone I know doesn’t have the same experience, and they blame it on me. I mean part of the issue has been misunderstandings, this is true. But they completely blame me, say I am bad luck. Uh a person having a shitty experience is not bad luck. But again, person not realizing how shitty their words are.
I know I have fucked up in the past – people always have issues in their past. They do! 😛 .. I am not that person anymore. I don’t want to hear what people think of me (as they think I have a right to know, when I don’t care! It doesn’t affect me. They aren’t involved in my life, nor in my bed. Why should I care what someone says? I mean.. wow. ) .. I saw this meme on FB which said “You know you have grown when you stop worrying what others think of you…” and they are right. I don’t care! 😛 . Like unless it is directly affecting me in the person, I don’t need to know. I don’t care – and the person who says it should just stop it. Honestly, we’re not the same people we were 20 years ago. Or longer.
It’s just like when people say to me “Well I am sorry your relationship with your parents is how it is”.. I’m not. I mean truth be told – when I was a kid, and started seeing other people with their parents, I would feel sorry for myself. I would think WHY can’t mine be like this? .. But as I grew older, I just accepted it. Tune it out. So when people say they are sorry that say my mother is the way that she is, be prepared for me to say “don’t apologize.” .. Or “I have accepted it, so no worries there.” I mean it took me a incredibly fucking long time to not worry about her. I think when others finally saw how she was, it helped me accept this. That and I am used to being by myself in life. I mean sure I envy it a teeny tiny bit that others can reach out to their parents for help. I know I can’t with mine (hell they don’t know shit about me, or shit about my life. Or who I am as a person now… they still think of me as this scared little kid that they can lock away in a bedroom…) And no, I am not being sarcastic on that last line 😛
Oh and people who haven’t dealt with I have – have no right to educate me on those relationships. Sure life doesn’t last forever… but the effects of being abused in more ways than one – sticks ’round a long arse time. Just saying.
But I won’t go into that nope nuh huh.. .This isn’t a post to focus on my past. Nope. Nope. Nuh-huh.
MAN small vent though. I want to travel and hard. Fuck you COVID seriously.
I yes I know I need a break.
I sat here tonight and listened to music with headphones on for 3 hours. I enjoyed every second of it. The kids did their own thing. 🙂
One thing I do miss about life though? Sitting on a couch all night just talking. Or outside. You know- just not giving much of a shit about the world around you. Okay well except for the stars. Just enjoying each others’ space. That I miss. Conversation with another adult. No drama, nothing of the sort. Anything else is extra. BUT that I do miss.
My grandmother noticed a picture I had put up of some of my Stitches. She said I should give them away to needy children. Well – not at the moment. BUT it’s in my Last Will and Testament. whatever the kids don’t want, they are being given away.
I actually sat down and thought about that. No, really thought about it. I’m honestly wanting to cut back some of my collection. Not right away of course – as it would take a long time to go through everything. I just want to be simple. I know, sounds odd for me. I just want to keep some of them – find shelves and put them up – and the rest, go to good homes. Now this may not happen until way into the future. But I thought about it. I started collecting Disney stuff years ago, and while it’s awesome…and I still collect. The only time I really think about collecting is if someone brings it up. Like I am okay buying a couple of things.. But I am finding more and more (and no, this doesn’t have anything to do with lack of funds..) that I’d rather put the time and effort into something else. I really want to get back into photography. Let other people spend their money chasing DL. Plus – the only way I can buy anything now is from a DL seller…as there are no DL stores open anymore. That eats at a ton of money I could put someplace else (like traveling!) .. I dunno, maybe the collecting headspace isn’t there at the moment. I mean it’s cool what some people find. Bonus for them. But that sparkle isn’t in it for me that much anymore. Aside from something I come across myself. I am giving myself a tiny goal to not collect as much (hahaha, watch I will change my mind on this.. BUT I will try!) Halloween is my weakness. Although this year I just didn’t go nuts. bought a couple of small things (although I have some coming in they won’t be here until much later.. sigh) .. Other than that, I was good. I have been stopping myself from buying (aside from hair dye, and pants – but to be fair Austin bought those for my birthday )..
I mean I have like 3-4 pairs of track pants I haven’t even worn. I am contemplating giving them away – they are brand new. I want to you know, give myself some breathing room. Perhaps (If I can control myself!) instead of spending the money, I will toss it into a savings account. Or into an account I won’t think of, so I won’t touch. I know it’s so hard to not want to buy that shiny. I saw this camera today on Marketplace and I melted. Not a cell phone, a camera. The specs on this thing I was … drooling! I remember how much fun I had when I was behind a camera. Perhaps someday.
I am bummed. I found out Bryan Adams is playing in Las Vegas on my birthday. I could cover the flight and the hotel but the ticket I couldn’t do on this short notice. (as I have enough airmiles for those, and I travel cheap) .. so damn it. DAMN IT. I hope he comes to Canada or Seattle sometime soon.
There is a windstorm happening at the moment… and I have a lingering headache. Cool. I don’t get my medication until Friday – so I hope this headache pisses off soon enough.
Okay I need to go to bed. Put my watch on DND and try to sleep. DND OH MY GODS is it the best tool ever!!
Pardon the ramblings tonight. Soon as my fingers touched the keys it’s like I started moving.
I need a bigger keyboard. This one is too small… I like the longer ones.. hahahahaha!