Sometimes.

I am sitting here trying to think of blog material.. and fighting with the mixed voices in my mind. The you know, completely sarcastic type. Fuck – why can’t people just be nice to one another for a gd change?

I don’t know.

This past month has to be brutally honest… horrible for me physically. I can’t wait until Thursday for my doctors appointment. 

Holy freaking hell has my body been incredibly angry. Or fighting me? I don’t know.  I won’t go into specifics, but holy shit this can stop please? One week without things flaring on me would be NICE K thanks.

I also forgot how horrible I feel after taking Toradol. I’ve been having to take it due to this tooth nonsense.. (yes I know – piss piss whine whine!) and my god.. the gut rot, the edema. Yikes. I can’t take Advil otherwise I’d go that route.  It’s like, I can sit here and bawl my eyes out in pain, or suffer the consequences of side effects. What does a person do? I don’t even know.

All I know is, I can’t wait to talk to the doc this week. Holy smokes. Like I’d say August going into September ..and now going into October (okay, more than a month..) is driving me up the wall. With major force. I have been fighting through it as best I can. Putting on a smile as best as I can. I mean the kids don’t need to worry about me. It’s just the a-typical thyroid nonsense.. some days it’s a bitch but I make it through. I have to. 🙂 Remember – wide shoulders, built to deal with a lot of shit. 

I exercise every day, so I don’t end up putting on weight from this household nonsense. I am not doing long walks because of effin’ COVID..  But ye gods, this could end any time soon. Age? Pain ? I don’t even know.

I know, I am pitying myself. Well ya know – I really don’t have anyone to vent to. So here I am, head in hand.. complaining on my blog because I can haha!

I am also noticing I run in spurts when it comes to my house. Right now? I want to toss the majority of shit which is here. Fuck waiting for recycling to open. I just want to grab a box full of garbage bags – and toss the lot. I am just done with so much clutter (and yes, I know some of it is mine!).

Then I have ideas running through my mind. I see shelves downstairs. I see shelves in our hallway upstairs. I see a somewhat tidy laundry room (scuze, while I fall over..) . or bathroom . 

Then the anxiety hits, my mind goes “fuck that!”..and I sit and quietly stew.

I want to do something with my upstairs bathroom. I want to rent a steam cleaner and clean carpets, but uh.. I can’t. Unless I can find a place which rents steam cleaners. I mean to be honest, this whole place could use a deep clean. Wonder if I could find a professional to do it, and for a decent price?

One of these days I will though. Just buy the biggest box of garbage bags that I can. Toss anything we don’t need/use/want ..end of discussion. Once I get brave enough to do so. Or wired enough to do so. 

I am so wired. Wired, in pain – and just worn the hell out – if that makes sense? Kind of just itching to go away. To go and do something. I won’t, because I am not selfish. I want us to stay healthy. But damn… 

Just the world, the news – the judgments.. HOLY .

I wish it was ten years ago. We were in Kamloops but life was SO much different. Right now, it’s so fucking dark and scary. Not our lives but the world in general. 

I sit in the shower and cry sometimes.. as well no one can hear me. I have to let loose some of the time.  I have to watch what I say or who I talk to. I’m consistently told what I can and cannot talk about. Or told “I don’t want to hear it..” So.. I generally don’t talk a lot. I have a cell phone but the only time I use it is mainly day to day stuff or if I have to. Otherwise, I hardly look at my phone. Unless I have to do so.

This coming from a person who was consistently glued to that thing. Like super effin’ glued.. Ask anyone my nick name as a young adult was “cell phone girl”. No jokes!

Well, I mean I still take pictures with it. But really that’s it. I dunno, I guess being on a phone all day long turns me off. Plus well – honestly being dictated to I just say fuck it. I know, it almost sounds like I feel sorry for myself.

I don’t really. Please don’t think I do. I really do not. I find other things to do. Like re-organize my bedroom, or play WoW.. I mean I have to keep my mind going. Or sit here like I am now, planning the next month . Budget-stuff, gotta love it 

I have the 25th to the 31st off. I am going to hopefully do what I need to do – and take some time for myself.  Why not? I would have if I was in California… pout pout …

The world is a mess, and yet I feel bad I can’t go to Cali this year. MAN where is my mind? I don’t know, anywhere from the shitty news which is out there.

Oh and random. I miss the hills in Kamloops. Like walking up the hills in Sahali? I miss those horribly. I don’t know why. Good exercise? 😛

I know, completely random and makes no sense. Do not worry, I don’t plan on moving any time soon. I just  I can’t go through that again. Too much of a pain in the arse. Plus the girls would ring my neck and keep on ringing. 

I think this is the longest we’ve been in one place to be honest. End of December it will be 7 years here. Not too shabby, for a single parent with a handful of kids. Hey? Hey? XDDD

Another random thing – I want to re-do the pictures in the hallway. But the printer things at Walmart are shut down at the moment… SIGH. Curse you COVID…

I want another tattoo. I do. I want to feel the needle. YES I DOOOOOO 😛

I had a small trigger happen over the weekend. I think I dealt with it as best as I could. Clam up, not talk about it – move on. I’ve kind of half-assed taught myself how to deal with those things they call triggers.

Example – I was watching Melrose Place and a storyline they had? Reminded me of a past issue. I won’t go into specifics or explain.. But I managed to look away – focus on something else. It works, believe it or not. When I say a trigger – I don’t mean in a good or bad way. Although with my life hahaha it’s hard to say which is which.

I keep telling myself that life has a way of throwing you a monkey wrench of sorts.  You just have to make it through the good and the bad. 

I still think my memoirs would be an interesting movie. LOL. 

I need sleep. After this song. XD

 

 

Music helps.

Music really does help. Especially if you’re super busy and hardly any time to breathe.

I know, I know. That’s life – right? AmIRight? I think so.

It’s just been one of those weeks. Where you keep going because you know you have to.  Yesterday and today I received somewhat of decent information. Decent? I guess. It helped.

I was able to book my birthday and the day off. Not that it’s a huge deal, because my trip was pulled due to COVID. As long as it doesn’t rain however, I plan on scouring Victoria for their cemeteries.  Why not? Cemetery walks are a good thing to do, right?

Last year I walked -all- over Disneyland for my birthday. I wanted to do something incredibly selfish for myself. I mean my 40th birthday, I sat in my bedroom and bawled. I promised myself that it wouldn’t happen again. Even if this year I have to go for a long walk someplace, I will do it.

Fuckin’ COVID.

I truthfully want to be in Seattle. Or in California. NOPE, not pulling the self-pity train.

Today err rather yesterday, I heard the BC Government is going to allow non-trained people to work in CareHomes. So for those (like myself) who took out a shitload of Student Loans, feel like total shmucks. Why? Well the government has said they will give on the job training. No Experience Needed!

https://infotel.ca/newsitem/no-experience-needed-to-start-new-20-an-hour-jobs-in-long-term-care/it76807?fbclid=IwAR2r63XtG55sBB1us221GAlX33YoGr9xhuOjRaJJ8mgzU8TMSi0CkKQvpDw#.X291kZiXnvM.facebook

For reference.

So for those who took training, took a shitload of loans out – who worked their asses off. Hell who can’t even get a role in their position.. the government is giving jobs out. I know they are in need. Please don’t think I don’t get this. I understand why the government is doing this. I just think it’s shitty for those paying back for years – when others get it handed to them. Free!? 

Yesterday I was advised that any payment arrangements placed on Student Loans, are put on hold. So here I am – feeling pity for myself. Then KABOOM, the government says “K, we hear people.”

Uh… I know there is a election coming. I know we’re in the midst of a pandemic. I know of several people who are still without work. So yay government for helping. I am just not looking forward to the future. 

I mean eventually the government will need this money. So I hope those who are getting a break are taking this seriously. I know I am!

Well, aside from the silly Disney shit I have been buying. 

Then this morning hearing I can take those days off. I am kind of happy about that to be honest. I really didn’t want to be in office on my birthday.  Heh, “In Office”.

I mean, I can go buy a cake or something. Of course keep myself safe. I don’t want to be selfish and threaten the lives of my kids. No. I can deal. Maybe buy myself speakers and just blast the music wave.

Who knows.

Bryan Adams has been singing to some of his faves on his YT channel. Oh my gosh – the fact I can pull these lyrics out of my head. XD .. I can finally listen to some of his music without wanting to bawl. So that’s a good thing, Right? Right.

I have noticed this year .. that old memories have been coming to mind. Like – of course when you’re stuck in the house, and people keep bringing up old shit.. It comes to mind. I keep being reminded of what I’ve gone through in my life. I mean geez, when people bring it up – they act like my life is all over. “Oh you have kids”… Yeah, and? Just because I have kids, doesn’t mean my life is over. I have “had kids” since I was 15/16 years old. Well, okay the majority of my life. But still. Your life doesn’t end because you have children. I think the thought process of some is just downright silly. 

But y’know.. I have been judged since I could talk so hey. Fuck them if they wanna keep judging. I’ll just sit by and listen. I mean to this day TO THIS DAY… People are saying I eff’d a friend of mine for a TV. I honestly thought those spreading this rumor, had a bit more class and respect for me. I guess not eh? 

I truly do think this is why the higher power designed my body, the way it did. I mean geez, my shoulders ache on the daily…from carrying other people’s shit! 😛

I need a beach. I need a long walk. But COVID really has sparked some horrible anxiety.. Like no joke driving me bonkers. 

Really need shelves in this here place. I have far too much stuff crammed in my tiny bedroom. 😛

I know I am absolutely random. I honestly don’t care. I mean c’mon… 

Okay bedtime.,

I don’t even know.

It’s been one of those weeks.

My head hurts.

I’ve been triggered by old anxieties and I have zero people to talk to about it. 

I am a bit ticked because a item I wanted since last year, came in shattered.

I am sitting here listening to music and trying to ignore Social Media. Not up for chatting. To be honest, I am not up to much this weekend. This week dragged on something fierce. The tooth pain really placed a damper on things.

I just wrote an entire blog, and completely deleted it. It really didn’t say what I wanted to say. Sounded all “woe is me” and “boo boo hiss hiss”… and really? Not in the mood for sounding like a ghost on crack.

I am counting down for when Apple finally releases the latest phone specs. Looking forward to finding out what they are. Yes, I will be getting the new phone. No, I will not bow into the judgment calls I constantly receive for my choices. 

Speaking of which – do people -really- pay attention to what they say? Do they understand that saying “Well why do you” and “Well, no offense”… really is incredibly offensive? I know, I am horrible for it myself. 

Oh my gosh, listen to me. I sound like I am trying to be politically correct. When no, no I am so far from being politically correct it’s not even funny.

Benn has the fluffiest freaking tail, like – ever. EVER. Starr has his nuts hanging to the world right now. (Yes, I said this crudely, no I won’t apologize.)

I think I need to do a bit more research on certain topics. I just want to be armed with the most amount of education possible – with certain things.  I’ve noticed that ever since BLM has come into full-force, I am noticing more and more unacceptable behavior. I caught myself actually.. I mean it’s something I need to keep looking into. I’ve just noticed as things go on.. how incredibly racist some of the people I know truly are. Like wow. I understand – as I was raised around someone who is horrid that way. But wow. We need to re-teach ourselves language. We need to read, educate and move ahead. This backwards thinking is not the way to go. Of course I would never tell someone how to live their life… but I don’t have to be around it either.

What’s so incredibly frustrating? Not being able to just have a conversation, without hearing “well you need to move.” Granted I don’t appreciate the shitty customer service I receive out here. BUT , moving is so not an option for us. People keep thinking it’s so easy to up and move. I don’t have the means, I don’t want to uproot my kids. The move here took a hell of a lot out of us. Besides, I couldn’t leave my sons alone in BC. David is still mad that I moved here, let alone move even further away.

I never thought I would say this, but. I don’t hardly feel connected to anyone at the moment. Well aside from my kids, because they are my kids. I try. I do. I try to talk about topics of conversation which benefit others. Just to have a conversation, you know? But in my mind, something beeks at me and says “well,  dude when is it your turn?”.. Happens often. I just try not to talk, because I don’t know what are triggers for some. I really don’t. Lately life has been a trigger for everyone. Like – if you talk about COVID, someone gets mad. If you talk about life, someone gets mad or tells you they don’t want to hear it. So what do you do? Nothing. Music works? Or come in here to let loose. I tell ya, after I blog (somewhat, I dont’ talk about everything which comes up haha!) I feel somewhat better. The tension somewhat comes down.

That, and music does help. 

What really annoys me? I keep Facebook open – as I leave that available due to my daughters. Wanting to make sure they can reach me any time. Right? I don’t leave it on or open for people to carry on conversations about shit which means nothing to me. I mean when I try reaching out, I get shut down. Then I get flack because I don’t instantly respond when I am busy. What the heck do you want me to do? Turn into a octopus, and yank all my tentacles all over the place? Like, I don’t even know what to even do.

Sometimes, I feel like I am re-living high school. Even though I didn’t finish high school. GED for the win! Sometimes I wish I could just hop in a jet and fly to areas unknown. Shut all forms of media off, and ignore the world. The odd thing is? We wanted this technology. We wanted to be able to communicate and speak when able to. But now? Now it just annoys the living hell out of us. Technology at it’s finest, lemme tell you.

I hope it doesn’t pour all this weekend. Wait, now do I? 😛

What I want to do, is put in a shelf unit thingy in our hallway. So I can proudly show more of my collection. See if Austin wasn’t downstairs, this house would be Stitch’d .. Guaranteed. It would be, haha! Well, within reason. I mean I’d have shelves downstairs with some of my Stitches. Well, who knows?

Ever lived your life being consistently under a magnifying glass? I have. It suuuucks so hardcore. I just wish people would you know, find someone else to judge. Or how about not judge at all? Is that such a difficult thing? I guess so eh?

 I know. I have judged in the past. I know I have. I kick myself and hard for being such a judgmental arse sometimes… I try not to be. I try to keep my thoughts to myself. It’s just not worth it. Be nice, yo!

Like an example. I will mention a song I like. Someone will almost always say “oh that asshole”. Or something else. I don’t understand. If you don’t like it, there is no need to comment. I just, I do not understand humans. Why so much anger? I don’t get it? Humans are not born to hate.

I just, I find that I pull away quite a bit as of late. I just, I don’t relate to some conversations. I don’t relate to a few things out there. I find after the day ends, I just want to tune the world out. I mean – what I wish to talk about, I am not -=allowed- to do so, so I just don’t bother.

Before I go on and on, I am going to head to bed. Perhaps sleeping (or hoping I can sleep tonight!) will clear my mind. I dunno, this week has really worn me out. I think the negativity of the world is just draining me out. Lack of sleep is also draining me and kicking my arse. 

I feel this cool air floating around my room. My sister did say our grandfather watches us, whoo knows. I would like to hope that my friend is close by. I wish you could pick up the phone to heaven, and talk ya know? I am not paying a psyhic because who knows if they are legit or not. Besides, he’s prob living his best life wherever he is up in those fluffy fart clouds. 

You know, I was thinking about what a friend said to me… and I wonder. So if I didn’t buy anything, a person thinks I am broke (but it could be personal choice, right?). If I do shop or buy anything, I am told “Oh you are addicted to shopping.” So – curious what is it? Can you shop and not be an addict, or not choose to buy anything, and not be broke? I don’t get it. 

I really need a break. I need to be able to breathe and to just, cut myself off from social media and enjoy things. 

Okay. bed. no not bed, but outta the blog.