Nah.

Today. I think today was just a case of the Mondays. 

It wasn’t -bad- or annoying as they say Mondays can be. Last night I tossed and turned all night, and could not sleep very well.  I know I will miss this when the cats aren’t here anymore.. but dang. NOT complaining. Tashi just likes to sit on -all- of my sore parts of my body. Which lately (because of the usual chronic pain.. ha) is the side of my hips, both shoulders, lower back and chest. Not chest pain per say. The area where I was cracked – is sensitive to her weight. Which for some odd reason when she sits up -there- it aches. Aches all damn day after the fact as well.

I am not writing about this to make anyone feel sorry for me. I get it, the ongoing pain issues – some of which I know will never -heal-, and just general blahish of getting … fuck – older (which again, not complaining about. I know getting older is a luxury to some, and not a right!) .. things ache. It happens. But hot damn. The second I lay down with my weighted blanket – she sits. If she fits, she sits. It happens. I am usually just tired enough that I don’t try to nudge or push her off. So I guess in the back of my mind… I tell myself in my sleep to toss and turn in the hopes she won’t turn into a hairy fuzzy ball on my hip haha.

I am sure there are several others who deal with Chronic Pain. I deal with it the best that I can. Exercise (well working out in my house, no thanks to the pandemic!) ..and move as much as I can. I see people deal with pain in different ways. 

It doesn’t help me in the long run. I have this app on my phone called “Pillow” ..which essentially tracks my sleep. I think it’s full of shit half the time, but use it for the chuckle.

With the pandemic still in front focus- I think the weekends go by faster. I think we’re so swamped during the week, that by the weekend? We feel like doing nothing but relaxing. Then nothing gets done. 

I try to pick and putter around the house. Even if things ache. I’m horribly behind in decluttering BUT there are weekends that I just say fuck it all. I am sure others do the exact same thing. When you have 5 minutes to think, you do it.. 

I’ve been drinking lemon/cucumber water during the day .. kind of trying to weed out the Ginger Ale during the day. So far it’s been helping with energy and with the urges to snack. We shall see how it goes. 

Been kind of bummed today. Hearing something today which really brought me down a notch. Not going to go into specifics. Just drug up some old memories which puddled around like a rainy day. Kind of sucked, actually.

Been really enjoying this old series called “6 Feet Under”. It came out years ago, but I wasn’t able to catch it. Found it on my Appletv ..and I am really enjoying it. I’ve always enjoyed the odd stuff. Seriously.

Okay I am going to try and sleep. 

Phew!

The news I was worrying about.. Came with a huge sigh of relief. 

I spoke to the cardiologist, and -nothing- has changed in 3 years. He thinks in the long wrong this won’t bother me. I mean geez, this was found ACCIDENTALLY. 😛 .. I asked if the working out I am doing is okay, he said it’s fine. 

So now I am up to have a scan every 2-3 years! Isn’t that fucking awesome? Yes, I am swearing. :P. I am SO grateful that nothing has changed in that department. Big, freaking sigh of relief.

I’ve been working out daily (except for days pain and my body goes OH HELL NO LADY!) and wasn’t sure if it was okay. So yes.  A little bit of light in the negative aspect of this world.

I’ve been feeling kind of blah in the mental department. People keep bringing up old memories (things I don’t want to talk about..) .. and I kind of gotta stop myself from saying something. 

Example.

Darryn was purchased an Ancestry DNA kit (I won’t go into specifics as to why .. not my story to tell.. ) and we were setting up the family tree. For one – Ancestry needs to make different options for “partner” They only consider you married. That’s bloody it. Even if you change it to partner (which isn’t easy to do, lemme tell you!) they still flag you as married. When I was filling out what I knew, Ancestry tried to say I was married to -everyone- I was listing. Okay yes, I made some odd choices in my earlier years. I WILL be the first person to admit this. I get it. I have 5 kids with 3 different men. So fucking what! I can’t change that, can I? No. Oi. It’s not like I planned for that to happen. Hell ask anyone who was around when I was a kid. I never EVER wanted to have kids. I would say that constantly. Due to my life, how horribly I was treated. I never wanted to bring an innocent into that mess. But, I did it. 5x .. and you know? I wouldn’t change it for the world. 

But Ancestry kept insisting I was married to Darryn’s father. Not even remotely thinking (and with her sitting right here..shit. ) I kept saying “Oh hell no, no no no !” .. Of course Ancestry doesn’t give you an option for “Friends with Benefits” so I tried choosing just PARTNER. (Even though technically we were not partners, not “together” and yeah. Fuck the schematics.. It just wasn’t a usual relationship.. I mean the kid was conceived  in the front seat of a Geo tracker for fuck sakes! lol..)  and then it comes up with my name and his last name. No, we were never that close. So of course, I said (again not thinking!) “Oh no no no, no way, not even close!” .. Shit. My brain and my mouth stopped at that second. Darryn then says to me “Well I’d like to think in my mind that you guys were “together” instead of .. what actually happened .. Sure she can think that. I will never EVER take that away from her. Seeing as this was about her, I stopped myself. I have to keep my filters on at all cost. She doesn’t need to know the full round about way of things. No. Not now, not ever. 

I just think I have over-protected that kid for the majority if not all of her life. Even though some shit has happened along the way.. She doesn’t need to think the negative of a positive situation. I mean without him I wouldn’t have her. Right? Right. Besides, she has people in her life who love her more than life itself. She doesn’t need to worry about the past. Only those who were involved at the time, need to be.

In the direction of away from DRAMAAAAZZZZZ…. I miss the beach. I need a long walk along the seawall something effin’ fierce. Fuck COVID man. When this nonsense calms it’s ass down, I need to go over to Vancouver. Or find a beach here and take a long walk. Away from everything. I need serious downtime , which I haven’t been able to have since COVID.

Everyone is feeling the pandemic smack ,that’s for sure. I almost feel like I was the majority of my childhood. Locked in a bedroom, with no pot to piss in.. big ol’ screw on the door to keep me inside. That’s how I feel and it REALLY sucks.

A actress I follow from True Blood wrote a IG post about mourning. She made mention of how she kept going during a death in her family. How we all mourn in different ways. It kind of struck a chord with me. 

I had a friend die, like – how do you cope with that? I know we’re going into two years almost since it happened (man does time fly, geez..) . I really didn’t have anyone I could reach out to, to talk about it. I had to talk to a complete stranger, over a telephone. Seriously. Each person I tried to reach out to, reached out with a horrible snarky remark. Hell some don’t believe he’s dead.  Like I really didn’t had anyone to help me mourn, ya know? I get the guy could be shitty sometimes (we all can be!) but damn. When I can finally travel, I am going to go up to Cache Creek and pay respects. Like – the fucking pandemic really makes one think. Up and down and around and through. 

Right now I am listening to music, typing and trying to stop myself from crying. Nope, not gonna do it. Nope. 😛

Maybe just being emotional due to my shoulders screaming tonight. One feels like it’s loose in the inside. I am up for a x-ray soon, hopefully they can figure it out. Or not, hell they have been messed up for ten years now. So – doubt a new x-ray will discover anything new. 

I thought about something tonight. All of the nonsense I have lived through in life.. Man, it would make a good soap opera.. With everything. Oi vey.

I need a breather. (I know, this is mainly I I I … horrid right?) I think the kids and I all need a breather. I just want to make sure it’s safe. I am glad they can get out every now and again.

I am REALLY cravin’ a cemetery walk. I need to do that soon. Turn off my phone and walk. Just walk. 

 

 

 

Saturday night.

This week wasn’t as bad. Aside from a large migraine on Tuesday. Other than that, things were okay.

With the weather temps going up and down.. there are days in which my shoulders are okay. Then there are days in which I want to rip them off, and feed them to the cats. 

I had an echocardiogram two weeks ago, and am waiting to hear the results. I have the appointment on Thursday. It doesn’t say I am any less nervous though. I mean the technician kept saying “Yours is so mild, so mild, so mild – they are wasting your time making you come in!” ..and I asked twice while in the appointment if it was still mild. She said yes, and went on to say “well many people have this!”. Then she went quiet, because technically they aren’t to talk about results.

So we will see, I guess. I mean I have to take it as it comes. Spending time worrying about things is not going to make any results any easier. The last time I had this test done – they had written on the report that the regurgitation was “better” not worse. I did watch the screen (as medical tests fascinate me for some strange reason..) and the tech kept saying it was super mild. The different colors were not that thick, but what do I know? I am not a ultrasound technician. I just know based on different articles I have read.

Even still – I guess I do suffer from a “broken heart”. Right, right? Am I right? XD .. this whole thing was found accidentally .. hopefully with me working out it -stays- mild. I mean some live with it being mild for years. Some don’t need to worry about itl. Me? Of course I worry about it. As when they found this, a whole pile of other medical things came up. 

We shall see.

I know I am also in a hypo flip right now which isn’t helping matters. I work out, we try to eat healthier.. but still . I think from us being stuck in the house, it isn’t helping anything. I can’t walk home like I did before. It’s driving me nuts. 

I like having choices, not being stuck.

I also feel horrible about this recent rash odd weather. Places which aren’t used to cold and sick temps, are being swamped with them. It’s very hard on the heart seeing these places with people dying, over this. The world is in a messed up place right now. I mean for our little complaints, people are dying, have frozen pipes, no heat, no power, no food. It’s bloody scary! With COVID on top of this. It’s so scary and disgusting. 

Sending prayers to everyone affected. I wish I had the means to help everyone out there. :/ 

Okay, bedtime for me. My shoulders are screaming .. Even though I worked out today, the majority of exercises didn’t revolve around my shoulders.