Writing.

I am SO thankful for tomorrow. For multiple reasons. One – so I can go grocery shopping as well – kids need to eat (as do the cats. hahaha!) .. Two – so I can pick up my meds.

I decided to wipe out my previous blog posts. Felt like wiping this slate (as I do when I get bored. Seems immature – but no one said I was normal. Right? )

Ever since the temp has changed, my shoulders are .. annoying as efffff… I actually found an article on shoulder replacement surgery today TO BE HONESTTTT… Now, I am guessing the doctors in Canada would not go that route, unless they absolutely have to. The link.

https://www.webmd.com/arthritis/shoulder-replacement-surgery-what-to-know <- No joke, they ACTUALLY do this for severe arthritis. Although I have asked, and they haven’t decided on IF that’s a thing or not for me. I don’t even know if this is an option in Canada. There’s no way I could do this in the US, well unless I won the lotto. Or made killer money. Who knows. 

All I know is, good effin’ lord. I did mention this to the doctor. It’s not one shoulder, it’s both. It’s hard for me to explain. I’ve also noticed as of late, that my misaligned hip is being a bag as well. I fight through it. I want to keep moving. So I deal with the pain. Sometimes I have good days, sometimes I have bad ones. I mean this week, I have been tackling the dishes (then the kids pick up..) but the house is meh. This week my shoulders have been searing pain. How I evaluate my pain is this. I base it on how I felt when I had my chest cracked open. Not a ten – because that is chest crack material. For this on the daily as of late – I’d say I’m in between a 6 and a 7.5 .. some days close to 8. Like it’s bad. It’s like if someone is constantly pulling your hair, then punching you hard. If that makes sense?

I tend to go quiet, not be very talkative and just listen to a LOT of music when they get this annoying. (On the subject of music, they put In The End by Linkin Park in HD – GOOD LORD that was amazing!) .. I just – at the end of the day I am not talkative. I talk all day – day in and day out. I just, yeah.

I used to keep Facebook open all day on my computer. Lately I have been closing it. I just – I am trying to put as much as I can into what I do. (SideNote – Chester Bennington has a hell of a voice!). I also turned off iMessage, as I kept getting messages for the kids. If I need to respond, I will. 

I’ve been also doing a ton of reading as of late, aside from the music. Trying to keep my mind off of the stress and such. Been putting all of my energy into working out as well.

To be fair, this week has sucked. Like pain wise. Today I fought off major shoulder pain as an example. There is nothing which helps the pain either. I just ride it out, and go from there. I find the weighted blanket helps at the end of the night. But I can’t sit in my weighted blanket all day. 

OH!

I have this trippy blue hair dye. I have keep it hidden in my bedroom, because I don’t want Darryn finding it and using it before I can. I am going to try and dye my hair this weekend.  Do something for myself, if I can. 

In two weeks it’s my birthday. Not much is happening, unless I win the lotto from now til then. I’m way too tapped. 🙂 Austin did buy me this neat Beetlejuice t-shirt, and a pair of Lululemon pants (yes ! I can finally fit into a normal pair of pants. I will lose this ASS YETTTTTT!!!)

3 years ago today – I met my hero. I met Darren Hayes. Like – I am still in utter shock that happened. On the flipside of that though, I sat down today and thought about 2018. How absolute shit that year was for me (well, until I met Darren haha!)

Like seriously. I had heart palps for the majority of the year. I brought it up multiple times. Even in the ER before hand … and was ignored. Was just “oh it’s nothing”. I walked myself into an ER in May of 2018 with a RHR of 160+. No joke. The nurse asked me how I was walking my way in. I had walked in asking them to look at my knee … Which I had accidentally bashed on Brandon Lee’s tombstone months before…and it was still bothering me. The nurse said I was in the midst of a thyroid storm.. and if I hadn’t of walked in when I did, things could have gotten much worse. The nurse pushed the doctors to admit me. Then it went from “You’re in the midst of a thyroid storm!” to “You have Hasimotos” to “You have Graves disease” to “you have hyper and hypo thyroid” to “You have an enlarged thymus gland!” to “you have a leak in your mitral valve!”

All this, within 24 hours of me being admitted to the hospital. I wish I was kidding.

I do appreciate everyone who was there for me when that happened.  I really appreciate it, far more than they’d ever know. I was freaking the hell out. I had no idea as to what was going on. I walked into a ER in the midst of a thyroid storm. Can you believe that? Like… wow.

Then I went in, had my chest cracked open. 4 months later – I hopped a plane, went to California and met my idol. I was able to tell him face to face – how his music, how HE (even though I don’t know him personally…and I know he’s human haha!) helped me through some really dark times in my life. He’s such a sweetheart. But anyway… I am still shocked I did that. Nobody knew I was doing that 😛

Like… I made it through all of that. I still can’t believe how incredibly fucking strong I am. I mean, I am still super impressed with myself. Super proud of myself for making it through all of that.

I know, I am pluggin my ego. What can I say? 😛

I still struggle from lingering pain from the chest crack. Tashi likes to sit on the old crackin’ spot, and the pain is just set in there. I am okay though. 

When I struggle with depression (and I do , believe me!) I keep telling myself “Look how fucking strong you are. Look what you made your way out of!” It helps. Well, sometimes. sometimes. .. . 😛

I am sitting here listening to Linkin Park. Just wanting to end the day on some decent music. 

I can’t wait for the weekend. I love sleeping in. Even if it’s just like for a hour or two past the time I generally wake up. 😛

I took this really cute picture of Benn last night. It was just after a chin scratch. She had this big grin on her face, it was SO cute! 

I hope to take off to Seattle next year. If I can.. Mind you COVID keeps changing plans for people, so meh. Whatever. We shall see. I really really want to travel. I haven’t had -me- time for a long time. Like actual me time. Or what I could do too which is closer and cheaper, is go for another cemetery walk. 

To quote Batty Koda – “Humans are the weirdest people”.. I don’t understand humans, hell I don’t even understand myself sometimes. But – we make it through. 

I also understand why humans don’t reach out when they are emotionally struggling. I went through multiple weeks of feeling emotionally drained, hopeless – fucking depression. I brought it up once with someone and was brushed off. Spent those days crying in the shower after my workouts. Figured it was easier than trying to reach out again, and be brushed away. I see these memes on Facebook and Twitter – where people say “Oh I support those I love, reach out if you’re struggling.” My question is, do you just put those up to make yourselves look cool? Asking for myself. I know everyone is struggling right now. It just, it was a shitty few weeks lemme tell you. I should be used to this by now, but it still kind of sucks.

Okay I can’t write anymore. I hope everyone is doing well. <3