Saturday night

Sitting here – plugged in to music.. and just with my thoughts. Well – until the batteries on this pair dies. I recall that 2 bars on the battery should last a little bit of time. 

I was asked why I use the phrase “When the novelty wears off..” and asked to explain the reason behind it. Well – when a novelty is shown to you – something which catches your eye. Something in which you spend a specific amount of time on. Like a game, a toy or a song. Then it slowly drifts to the back of your mind and you just don’t bother with it any longer. Or if you do – it’s in spurts. Or when it’s to your leisure. 

This happens to everyone. I don’t know if it’s a fact of life, but it does happen.

I have seen this happen in life – with people. They put on their “giving a shit” face. They care when it looks cool on social media. Or in other forms or function. Case in point – Sinead o’Connor just passed right? She struggled FOR YEARS. She had a tormented/abused childhood (funny, I can relate!) ..mainstream artists couldn’t give a fuck less about her while she was alive. She ripped apart a picture of The Pope, was blacklisted by her fellow peers, right? Those SAME people are on Social Media, “Oh rest in peace Sinead!” ..For real? Where the hell where you when she NEEDED you? When her son passed? Where were you? Why is it so cool to act like you give a shit when someone passes. But while they are still here… Exactly. Like – stuff like this really irks, sickens – whatevers me. 

Hence “when the novelty wears off”. It’s the whole clout thing, right? Hell I witnessed this behavior way before social media. (Heh, as I sit here listening to Lisa Marie Presley’s cover of Dirty Laundry, which happens to have George Michael in the background. Both are deceased now. Again – same thing. People shat all over both of them when they were still alive. When they were gone? It’s like OH MY GOOODDDS..)

I just..


I’ve seen this with other aspects in my life. When the “novelty” wears off – people just you know, live life. They forget that people are still here. They forget with that choice in behavior – people can make decisons. They can make choices as to how much of a continued effort they wish to place on that relationship. WOW that was rough to write for me. But it’s true. 

For my own personal experience – with -different- people.. I have been pushed away emotionally for long enough. When I say pushed away, after hearing what I heard when my sister lay dying in the hospital.. I just – I can’t put any more emotion in that direction any longer. Then to have on top of that – having religion crammed down my throat, to make me “forgive” the behavior. I wish I was joking on that. It’s nonsense, really.  Not asking how I am , just preaching at me. Like, what? WHAT. My sister just died and you want to preach? yeah… 

What I say to that is, fuck right off. I know it sounds vulgar and blunt. I have to be. I have to stand up for myself.

I am not angry. No – you kidding? I have been pushed away for such a long time now, that this wasn’t a surprise. It just re-opened old wounds. Which I didn’t need, on top of dealing with my sister unexpectedly leaving this planet. Considering I have been forced from a very young age to be strong, I have to keep my head held high, and ignore the outside noise. I have to. 

I also have witnessed the “novelty wearing off” since she passed. I won’t go into specifics, but to be honest – it truly does suck. I am struggling with all of this, but I keep plugging along. I have to. I have kids, I have myself to look after. I have to keep a roof over our heads, and food in our guts. It’s just me here. Soon as I can swing it, I am going to take my ass to LA and just walk until I can’t walk any more. I don’t mean walk to purposely hurt myself, no. Just walk to burn off all of the hurt. 

Until I can come up with the funds to do so – I am going to take time and walk in our local cemeteries. Walk until I can’t walk any more. I mean it’s a somewhat healthy way to deal with pain, right? (Even though I am in pain every day. Physically and emotionally. But – that’s life. Everyone struggles with this – I am not the only person in this world who has been dealing with a death. Am I right?)

Speaking of pain – last night. Was the WORST painsomnia (that what the kids call it nowadays?) I have had in a long time. Just – the past couple of weeks have been shite. Emotionally and physically. Pain flares all over the place. Last night though holy shit. Shoulders down would not stop screaming at me. I could not stay asleep worth anything. Like – I almost said eff it and got up, but I decided against it. Just laid there and let body parts scream. It truly felt like an animal was sitting on me something fierce. That’s the best way I can think to describe it.

Crawled out of bed this morning – and just yeah. I was going to go for a long walk today – but opted against it. Instead I played WoW with a friend off and on. 

Oh! I really REALLY need to touch up my hair. One of these days. I meant to do it tonight, but lost track of time. 

I hope to go for a long walk tomorrow. If the weather proves nice, I will.  

Oh, I did want to make mention of something. Just because I don’t post about it online, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Or I am not dealing with it. I find that it’s best to not put everything on social media. I am trying to stay off of social media as much as I can. It’s just – changed. I mean each day when I open Twitter – it’s full of people using their energies to whine about the Royal Family. Seriously – it’s not those I follow either. I don’t get it. Find a hobby, yo! But all kidding aside, it’s hard to check into those that I want to check, as my feeds are messed and not in order. I miss the days where Facebook and Twitter would only show you those you follow. Now? Good luck! 😛

My feed is so messed on both accounts, that I barely see what people post anymore. No joke. Facebook figures that you want to see posts from groups that you don’t follow. Or they want you to follow someone, so they spam you with multiples of their posts. IG isn’t as bad, but still a mess. Twitter? Ha, have fun wading through that nonsense. I try my best. 

I totally get that people on my FB don’t always appreciate cemetery photography. I mean some of my interests may not appease others. I am AOK with this! I’m not into the same “things” AKA hobbies and likes/such that others are. I just ask that people be respectful. If you don’t appreciate it, ignore it or you know – don’t follow me? 😛 .. It’s easier this way. I have found that if you’re respectful – others can be respectful as well. If you’re not – then social media becomes a total nightmare. I’d rather just respect that we are ALL different people! 😛 .. That, and you can hide people’s posts, right? I try to keep only people who I am close with on Facebook. If they choose to remove me, or ignore my posts? I am okay with it.  I’m not in high school, I respect others for their minds – if that makes sense? 

I have this aching to sit on a beach and bawl. Just – release it all. Someday. I don’t want to risk the ferry nightmare right now. Maybe i’ll go down to that rocky beach near Ross Bay and just let it all go. Why not? 😛 .. There’s some areas there that most won’t go to. Ideas! I mean my poor ALF. He’s been drenched the last little while. This isn’t me. I am not a huge crier (but I blame my lack of raising on this. I say lack of – because I wasn’t raised. I was kept. I don’t feel like re-hashing that right now… but. It is what happened.) .. but damn. When you’re mourning it can hit you like a ton of bricks sometimes. I’ll be on a call and a wave will hit something fierce. I have to catch myself and re-focus, or i’ll start bawling. It is HARD. It hasn’t been that long since this happened, but wow. 

Part of me wishes I had someone that I could get a huge hug from and just release – but IT is okay! (I don’t mean from my kids..)I know what life I live right now, and I am alone. I am okay with that choice.  I’ll go get inked instead. Heh, why not? I planned on it anyway. Random – I know.

I mean could you honestly see me dating? In this day and age? Honestly. I mean with my quirks? 😛 .. C’mon. It’s so much harder now than it was back then. I am not going into that speech/rant right now. Nope. I am good. Er, define good. I am kidding.

I am not knocking myself – in case you come across this. No – nah. I just know my personal quirks. I know who I am eh, well for the most part.  I just – with everything that is going on in the background, I couldn’t do it. I am working on myself – and working on other things. Perhaps someday – who knows. I have a lot of work on my plate that (work meaning other things, not work WORK) and I just know the timing isn’t right. I have to learn and teach myself how to communicate better, to express emotions .. this is a huge fucking struggle for me. OOOOH an eff bomb! .. 

Shite, my headphones are going to die soon. Perhaps that’s time I go plug them in. One more video. Maybe 2. Then I’ll head off.  It just so happens to be the music video for Faith by George Michael. Oooh, the beep is coming now. Damn it. I thought I had a bit more time tonight to listen to music. I think I have had a good 90 mins on 2 bars. XD

Oooh old school Adam Lambert. Love this video – For Your Entertainment. 

Oh, and I truly still cannot stand Summer. The heat is such a bitch. It’s a bitter little troll. Especially for someone like me with multiple thyroid issues… and other nonsense. Ye gods. It’s hard for me during a work day – with the heat. Even with a portable AC. I have 3 computers running during the day.Heat headaches every day.  I feel like I am suffocating in here. Nothing helps either, I have tried. On a good day – my bedroom is 27-28 degrees. I am looking SO forward to when it’s fall. I need my cooler air. I think it’s cooler outside than in my bedroom, to be honest. That’s not me having fun (what’s that?!) that’s the room itself. It’s so damn stuffy and muggy in here. I do shut two of the 3 off when I am done for the day, but holy shit. I am grateful of course to WFH but the stuffiness in here = ugh. UGH .. 😛

Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park just came up. Boy am I pushing the battery. This song just fits right now. I haven’t “felt like I have fit” in many years. Hell to be honest, my entire life.  I’m not awake enough to go into that right now. But if you know, you know!

Oooh, we have another video – Monkey = George Michael. Wonder how much longer I can push these.  I’m not focusing on my headphones, I swear.

That’s the one good thing about Beats – their battery life. Even though these have been through the ringer XD

Humans are the weirdest people. I made it to Bryan Adams – I want It all .. haha. Okay now I am just running out of steam. Need to go shower, then bed. The cats won’t be happy that they will need to move.

OH and Sympathy of the Devil. That role TOTALLY fit Nicolas Cage. He did an amazing role. He’s so creepy but it just WORKS (he meaning the character, not Nicolas himself.. ) .. I need to re-watch it, because it’s hard to hear anything in here with the portable AC on. In fact, it’s totally messed w/my hearing. But man it’s a decent movie. Go watch it, like yesterday. 

Okay one more video then I’ll go to the shower. Nope the headphones took the win that time. 

I am out for now. 🙂








Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *