Whatever…

Think of that “whatever” in an incredibly sarcastic tone.  Kind of like “What-evaaaaah!” Think in the tone of the White Chicks movie.. one of the girls in the movie.

That’s exactly how I am feeling at the moment. Just in all sorts of “done”, if one could say.  I won’t go into specifics, but wow. Whoever said life was easy – was all sorts of full of shit.  It’s full of mountains, peaks and random stuff. I can strongly say it’s not all butterflies and gummy bears. Far fucking from it. 😛

That’s all I need to say about that.

Man, am I in dire need of a hug. The kind in which the person makes you feel like they will never let go. (Even though – you know they kind of need to. Life and stuff.) I really could use one of those right now. It’s okay though – I have ALF. He will simply have to do. 

If I didn’t have so much to do around here this weekend, I would take off to Ross Bay. Turn my phone off, and just blend into the cemetery. Not literally – but walk around and enjoy the scenery.  Perhaps next weekend. I have a few things around here I want to do – small, but needed. So yeah. That and I need to get this pain under control, before going for a long walk. Like the voice inside is going “You need to walk and burn shit off!” .. but then my body is going “Biiiiitch, you need to get this pain under control.”  I like to push myself though. Sometimes too much so. Not many see this side of me. For the most part – people see me sitting in front of my computer, doing nothing. when I am not fighting thyroid fatigue and pain – I move my arse. I can’t keep myself in one place. I need to clean, re-organize or move. XD still working on the cleaning part. 

To be honest, I think I yanked a muscle or overused one, or something. It’s both shoulders, both shoulder blades, and in the middle of the shoulder blades. Not so much in the back anymore (thank the gods). But yeah. I don’t want to push it too much. As I seriously don’t want to end up in the ER. (No, no thank you!Besides, they would just tell me the same thing.. Yeah, no.) .. Holy brackets batman! No, I think this weekend aside from small things, I will just relax a tad. 

I still have been working out – but tonight I only completed 37 minutes. My shoulders were so super angry. I try to keep pushing along but – sometimes I need to just slow it up and stop. 

My youngest had this incredible haircut completed today. It looks amazing on her. It really does! I hope she loves it, seriously! <3

My mind is all sorts of scattered today.  Lack of sleep.. annoyed at the cat (he decided to vomit all over my bin – again! ).. and just needing to sleep for a week. Or more! But no – responsibilities.  It’s okay though. This weekend I plan on sleeping in. Or try to – if this cursed pain would settle down ha! I won’t go to the doc unless it gets worse than it is. I deal with Chronic Pain all of the time.  Like it’s a second skin to me .. has been for over a decade now.. 11 years I think-ish?

Been thinking about .. well more than I should be. Or rather – been in my head again. It seems to be my safe place at the moment. I just .. I keep reading and focusing on other things. Articles, watching random YouTube videos. Looking at pictures from my trips. just thinking – about just random stuff. It’s hard to explain without going into too much detail. Which I don’t believe it belongs online.  I try to keep myself focusing on other things, because if I don’t .. the stuff flares back and slaps me in the face. I keep challenging myself not to respond. As it’s the best thing for me. So to keep my mind focused and AWAY from that – I read, listen to music. Focus on other things. (Like I wish I was still in Seattle, but we won’t go there!)

I just – this past weekend. Last night. Reminded me -again- of how I am a literal ghost. I truly feel like it.  I mean I know I am not a ghost.. but yeah. For the most part, I have struggled through life like the average person.  I just, I dunno. I know I push people away ( I know that I do, and I try not to. It’s really fucking hard to do – when your entire life? You’ve been pushed away and ONLY needed when people want you for their own selfish gains.. Other than that? Yeah, no!) .. I had a shitty experience as a kid. Still as an adult.  I know that I struggle with getting close to people. Mainly from experience. I’ve been working on that, but holy hell. It causes me to dig into old memories which I wish I didn’t have. Experiences I didn’t have. I haven’t had the experience of “Oh hey, I can call either parent and say hello!@”.. Nope. I get brushed off more than the average painter painting a house. It’s cool .. But it sucks for personal relationships of my own. I was never taught stability, and brought through trauma. I was made to believe I was a throw away, and that was that. 

I know this. I keep my distance . I don’t want to go into too much of it. I’ve been working on this. I try not to push away, and to communicate more. If I know I am digging into old habits – I just don’t communicate. Which isn’t the greatest idea either, but I am working on that.  I also know that if it gets too emotional for me, I plug in headphones and ignore the world. Especially when there isn’t anything collective to say. Which is a old habit, but really I don’t have much of a choice. It’s almost like a comfort thing for me. I did this as a kid, when I was trapped in my room for god only knows how many hours. 

It’s been a struggle. I work through it for the most part on my own.. but yeah. I will tell ya – Life has been the hardest thing ever to live through … Wow, hot damn.

I didn’t mean for this post to be negative. I just – I need to get this out of my head before bed. 

I heard that if you try to manifest something – it should appear. Okay fine – I manifest a fairly large lotto win. So I can take time off, and travel. Or just visit other parts of the Island. That works too. Told Kailani that I someday wanted to take her to Seattle.. But we shall see. It’s always been my muse.

I was watching the movie “The Crush” (which evidently was filmed in Vancouver.. old Alicia Silverstone flick..) and they go up to Brockton Point. I wonder if it still looks like that from up there? (Side note – I looked it up, and it looks so pretty being up there @ the lighthouse… so pretty!) I wanted (keep in mind when this thought came through years ago – I thought of the white picket fence, knight in shining you know whut…) years ago to be married up there. It’s one hell of a view and .. well. I don’t know if it still looks the same. I mean there was also chatter of Niagra Falls but that place is far too popular. But – again y’all gotta be with someone to do such things. I think the next time I go to Vancouver, I will go up there to see if it still looks the same. (Again sidenote, I did look it up. Still looks amazing. I still want to go up there and visit. IF I can somehow get a LYFT or a UBER up there .. or walk it, who knows. But wow.. I forgot how pretty it looks up there!)

I need to find a chiro or something… get them to crack the living hell out of my back. Maybe see if they can realign shit? I don’t know. All I know is hot daaaamn.. Not complaining, because well I still work out in pain. I do stop myself if it gets too bad. Like if my back seizes, or if my shoulders fight me beyond fighting… (I know that doesn’t make sense, and I don’t really care!)

I sat down and re-listened to Poison Blood by Darren Hayes. I started to listen to the song when I flew home… I had to turn it off. I started tearing up. Especially this line

And it’s not that I don’t wanna live It’s the pain that I wish I could kill

All the times that I wanted to die I made a choice I was gonna survive

It’s a blessing a gift and a curse

Every day’s a decision to stay with my poison blood” – this line hits hard. I couldn’t tear up on a airplane in front of a bunch of people.  But yeah. This hit home to me.  If you’re close to me, you’d know why… 

I can’t say why. But this lyric just hit really close to home for me. That and all I wanted to do was give Darren a huge hug.

I don’t write that much about my kids in my blog. I do from time to time. But – for the most part – their lives are their own. I prefer to keep them away from here. This is mainly my place to really write about random things. Stuff I need to clear out before bed. If that makes sense. I mean besides, who really looks at this thing? 😛 

I need new ink. I do! Sometime soon, I hope. I hope.. Random, I know. I have some tattoos that need fixing, and such. Random, I know. 

Okay – I have other blogs in mind but I need to go to bed. Life is calling. 

Good LAWD do I have the farts tonight, or what. Hahahahaha! 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.