Been meaning to write.

I had actually started this post a few days ago. Started writing – got distracted. Fact of life hah! Well no – that paticular day ended up crazy busy, so I put this off.

That, and these “holidays” are rough for me. I tend to stay clear from the internet as much as I can. Wishing I was still in Seattle of course BUT that’s life. Besides, holy cow does our dollar suck incredible ass. I wish I was joking! But – that’s a vent for another day.

I took off to Seattle June 2nd to June 6th, 2022. I had this trip planned from the second I purchased a ticket to the Mix Tape Tour back in February (Yes, February folks….) and used Airmiles to book my ass a first class flight in March. YES, Airmiles. (I had a shitload of them piled up from you know, doing nothing in the past couple of years. So I thought WHY not. Although I think the next time – I will book First Class for a longer trip.  Maybe to LA? Perhaps in the future.

I told no one except for my dentist – that I was going. (As we had to plan appointments before and after. What can I say, I have teeth that need fixin’ lol!) .. I literally told NO ONE. I had many reasons for this. The main? The drama within the past few months. I did not want anyone trying to interfere with me being able to relax and have time to myself.  Normally I give ample notice if I am going to hop on a plane and take off for a bit. Seriously – I have NEVER done this before. This time – I took off at 2 in the morning (no joke – no pun intended – ha 2 in the morning giiiirl!) got on a plane and spent a few days in Seattle.

I don’t think people fully understand why I did this. 

I haven’t really had support (except for one trip. ONE. Those who know – know!) when it comes to me actually taking time to myself. I cannot tell you (aside from a few close friends ) how many times I have been judged about this. “You went where? Why did you do that?” .. o.O The sarcastic part of me wants to say “Coz I fucking felt like it!”

To be honest .. I did not want anyone messing with this trip. I was making up for the failed M&G in 2019 (and I still messed it up, darn it! I still did the meet and greet but – because my right shoulder was killing me – I hugged with one arm. I was so nervous and full of anxiety – that even though Donnie was yelling “love you!” to us – all I could say was “how are you!” …damn. Ah well – still got a picture taken. Go me ! 😛 .. I hope for Bar stools next time around.  I hope I hope I hope! 

I did record and take pictures of the entire concert. I deed, I deed.

I walked ALL over two cemeteries. I went to Lakeview 3x when I was in Seattle. Figured I would go up as much as I possibly could, and I appreciated every moment I was up there. I walked every inch of Lakeview (as much as I could get to, without bothering people!) .. I noticed how busy Bruce and Brandon Lee’s graves were. Which is AWESOME. Seriously. (And I heard someone bitching about what is on Brandons’ stone… but honestly? Shush! :P) .. I did go up and see Jimi Hendrix. I had only sandals on and it rained off and on when I was up there. When it was sunny – my hyperthyroid was stepping into full play and uh I didn’t bring my meds. Yes – I know I am silly. I can tell when I am in a hyper flare. this was part anxiety and part worry about COVID. I got so frustrated by the end of the trip.. The good ol’ family nose doesn’t fit well in masks… (such a pain in the arse!) and I was just done w/mask wearing. BUT … I did it. 

I needed this.

I know it seems silly that I “needed” a concert. That I needed to go see the cemeteries. Note – I had more plans but the dollar being stupid kind of put a damper on that.. Sadly.  I wanted to say more when my childhood idols were within breathing distance, but I didn’t… ha! 

I also protected myself. I only took my mask off when I was laying down – or outside away from people. Like I mean way away ways from people. I protected the living hell out of myself. I didn’t want to be silly and bring home COVID. Like that would be totally unfair.

I took every available moment to walk, to think – and breathe. I also noticed when there was large groups of people – my body would start flicking me into anxiety. Well due to the last few years = we’ve been made to believe that too many people = COVID spreader. So like any time I was around 5 or more people, my body would start sweating and freaking out. Happened in Pike Place Market. Happened when I was at the concert. Happened when I was in the Hard Rock. Like no joke. It was effin’ annoying. I didn’t pack enough clothes as this very rarely happens in Victoria. So the outfit I wanted to wear in the picture ended up being super cheesy… all because I didn’t pack enough clothes. But I did walk every moment I could. I took every possibility to be moving, doing and enjoying Seattle. Also I stayed away from Ross. Just because of the previous experience I had, I just.. I wanted to enjoy the time I had there. 

I took soo many pictures. I rushed through things when my body went into full on anxiety. So sadly I didn’t take all of the pictures I wanted to take. I think I took several thousand photos, but they were mainly from the concert. I took as many as I could … 

I will say though the concert kicked SO much ass. I will also say that I was in so much effin’ pain by the time I went to that concert.. Like no joke. My back was about to give up. When I went to hug NKOTB – my right shoulder was screaming – so I only hugged with my left. When I stood at the Party Pit (we had no seats) I was leaning against the stage.. as I needed to balance myself. I was by myself so the stage was the only thing I had to balance on. I’m not kidding. I haven’t felt that kind of pain in a long time. Once the alcohol hit though – it seemed to take the edge off the pain. (Yes, I drank at the concert. Normally I don’t do this.. Like I don’t. I rather enjoy being sober but this time – I wanted to enjoy myself!) … but fuck me that pain was intense. If I had purchased travel insurance. I might have dragged my ass to the doctor while there, but I didn’t. Once I went back to the place I was staying .. I laid down and slept. It was nice! Still in a hell of a lot of pain the next day but.. WORTH IT. 

When I came back from Seattle – I had multiple days in which I was exhausted. I wasn’t used to being out that much (as I am not – here I stay home. I don’t trust people.. I just don’t .. Also dealing with the aftermath of pain. The “Fuck you – nothing will help no matter what you do” …pain. Like seriously. Still worked out though as I wanted to somehow ease it off. Remember, I am used to dealing with pain. 

I also noticed in Seattle – no one says thankyou to the bus drivers when people get off the bus. I always did. I don’t care if it felt weird to others.. or seemed weird. I made sure I thanked everyone each time I got on and off a bus. Same when I used LYFT for some things… 

OH, I did go to a few other places. I went to the Aquarium and the Zoo and MPOP. The Aquarium I lasted 20 minutes. No joke. Too many people. Too many snot nosed kids. I couldn’t risk it. Even with a bag full of fresh N95s – hardly anyone was masked. I wasn’t going to do it. Went in – took a few pictures and video, and left. The Zoo it rained when I got there – I walked as much as I could, then left because the rain was pissing me off. XD .. but I did manage to get some decent pictures. Perhaps next time it won’t rain. Then again, Seattle weather seems to mirror here so… lol.

When I came back – I relaxed for a day then had to head back in. 

Had to get back to life. I mean = I will be honest. It felt NICE just worrying about myself for a change. To take that time to just me. To enjoy myself as a person, and not the craziness which is my real life. One day I want to take the girls to Seattle (well if they would go) and share with them a place which means a lot to me.

This weekend I kept mainly to myself. I allow the kids to celebrate the parental holidays. 

I was also reminded time and time again of why I feel like a ghost, in my family.  Again makes me question why my parents had children BUT whatever… Such is life.

OH. 

Another thing I want to mention. Just because a person turns to religion to “save themselves”… does not give you the right to say “the past is in the past”… If y’all wanted to truly change, you should have done this over 40 years ago. Trying to say this nicely but it’s hard to.

I just… I wish I could say everything which has been on my mind. I won’t though – as some things do not belong on the internet. 

I will say though – the whole JD vs AH trial? Really brought up some shitty memories for me. When he talked about his mother and such.. Yeah – I could feel that pain. Still do. There is a LOT people don’t know… when you’re abused or brought up with abuse (doesn’t matter what type..) .. it’s a struggle.  I tell ya, when that trial finished I turned off social media for a bit and just dealt with the old shit on my own. – Not going into specifics.  As it’s for me and me alone to cope with. All I know is, wow. 

I think I pull away from humans a lot. I know I do.  Think To the Moon and Back – Savage Garden. Totally me.

Oh and hearing what I did shortly after I came home. Yeah – not cool. I have thoughts, but I will keep them to myself. 😛

I have to watch music videos on my iPad – as my Airpod Max don’t agree with Windows. No matter how hard I try. o.O … I need to buy the darn audio cord but you can only order it from Apple direct. Such a right royal pain in the ass. 

When I hugged the NKOTB, I really needed that. I know, seems silly right? I haven’t had a good ol’ fashioned hug from anyone in such a long time now. It felt nice (heh even though it was one sided because my shoulder was being a dick… ) .. 

I haven’t felt pain like this in a long effin’ time. Nothing helped to cope with the pain either – but the trip was totally worth it. I want to go back sometime soon. Gods I hope so! 

Going to keep plugging along working out. To try to keep ahead of things. Although fuck me – in between my shoulders the pain is intense. Nothing helps so I just struggle with it. Gotta keep moving. Keep swimming – keep swimming.

Oh and WOW did Airmiles do an amazing job with these flights. I can’t tell you how incredible it was. Thank you Airmiles. 

Man, I had so much more on the mind to type about tonight. I won’t though – just again, certain things stay off the internet. I don’t write about the pain I am feeling to have anyone feel sorry for me. Nope – been dealing with this pain for long enough that.. It’s more of a vent really.

Tonight when I was working out (MrLondon workout..) my back started spazzing. No joke. Spazzed like a motherfucker and hurt just the same. I had to stop, put pressure on my lower back – and wait a minute. Tried again, spazzed again. When I say spazzed – think vibrations through your back and hard. Painful.  Annoying. But I managed to work through it. Had to modify tonight, but whatevs. I still made it through. I’m fucking stubborn – ask anyone.

I need a long ass conversation. Not on someone’s ass, no. I need to just sit – and talk. I don’t know, for some reason I am craving a long interesting conversation. Weird – isn’t it? Even though I talk to people every day on the phone. Perhaps someday!

Ok heading off. Going to listen to music for a bit longer, then hit to bed. Man, do I need a deep massage.

 

 

 

 

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