Really scattered. Is that right?

It’s a headphones and music night. I wrote out a entry but tossed it into a Notepad. Been doing that a LOT lately. Just been needing to get the really personal things out of my head. 

I decided to ignore social media this weekend. I just – I needed a breather. I popped on every now and again. But in all honesty ? Each time I logged in – it was.. Let me put it this way. With a NPD parent – they constantly need/want/crave attention. Think toddler tagging on your pantleg. Yes – it’s that extreme. 

It’s rough. Especially when it’s nothing but negativity. Non-stop. I don’t think I have heard anything positive from this person in what, years? Perhaps? There’s nothing positive about me.. It’s always about my siblings. I yeah. I don’t know what to say about that.

I had something said to me in conversation that I absolutely had to ignore. It felt like a giant punch to the gut (kind of like when I was a kid.). I didn’t respond. Closed the window,  opened FFXIV and spent the weekend playing it. 

Like I know the negativity hasn’t changed. That’s nothing new. The one-sided conversation? That’s also nothing new. The paranoia? That’s also nothing new. Like, I am accused of ignoring a conversation when I am sound the eff asleep. I can’t help it that my Apple Watch grabs FB messages. I’m not ignoring anyone. The watch has a mind of it’s own sometimes.  Sigh to the paranoia. 

I could seriously ring the neck of the person who showed her how to use Facebook. It’s still about this sense of control. Only this time – she can’t lock me in my bedroom. I can close the window, ignore it and move on. I can walk away from social media, hop on a game…and DND everything. My kids know how to reach me if they need to. Like… it’s seriously draining. Emotionally and yeah. I am expected to be -there- for these one-sided knife fights but… to be there for me? Not a hope in the pit of Hades. 

Like – wow. WOW. Seriously. Oh – and if I hear one more person tell me to “Forgive and Forget” ..completely invalidating the experiences I have had? I will fucking scream. Unless you have walked a mile in someone else’s shoes – ya’ll have no right. People have experiences. I realize people do change, BUT invalidating their experiences? Is not a way to deal with situation.

But , what do I know? 😛

I know in the past few months, I have been struggling quietly w/depression and anxiety. I know this. I can -feel- it. Things I am generally into and get hyper-excited for? I have been struggling to enjoy. I have been working through this. It’s like, people burn me out. I know my house needs one hell of a deep clean (which I will be doing and ASAP!). I know I have been neglecting things I need to do. I have just been so exhausted. From all sides of the coin. What can I say, people wear me out? What else do they say “How do you know it’s depression, and not from dealing with assholes..” I honestly think it’s both. Just worn out. Like I am expected to be the one to hold the line… but on the other line? there’s nothing pulling it. 

I am in dire need of a very deep massage. A long lasting hug (and not from a stuffed alien)… and if possible – something else. BUT – I will take my next best option. A long ass walk in a cemetery. Just me, my music and nothing else. 

What I think I will do is toss on Princess Goes to the Butterfly Museum on my phone..and just mellow out for a bit. My left shoulder has been a bitter little troll as of late. Nothing helps either. No pain killer, nothing. It has it’s moments. Just as the tooth infection settles down a moment – now the shoulder. To be fair, my shoulders and back are always in pain. I work out to keep my strength. It’s nothing rough, but what I can do. I took a picture of me covered in sweat, to prove it’s me kicking my own arse.

Awe shite. Checked the Princess site – the t-shirt I wanted? Sold out. Curses! 😛

Was playing with some of the filters on IG… super cute. I mean hell – everyone uses them – so why not? 😛 

Okies, bedtime. 

 

 

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