Detaching.

I haven’t blogged in some time. I really have been keeping to myself. Putting all of my emotional energy into working out. I’ve really really fallen in love with these GrowWithJo workouts on Youtube. They really burn the energy and the stress right off of you.. I suggest to anyone who is mobile, to try them!

Although yesterday and today my ribs have been hurting something fierce. Which is my own doing, I guess. Ran through the JLO Dance Workout twice – one after another. My body was like “You’re a beeeeetch!” So yeah. I did workout today, but not as fast as I tend to. I’m guessing I bruised a couple of ribs. What do they say, no pain no gain? Right.

I mean hell – I’ve been living with Chronic Pain – I just adjust. 

This entry wasn’t meant to complain about my tweaked ribs haha… 

Sitting here tonight listening to music. Just needed to ignore social media and tune the world out. The kids are doing what they do, so why not? Kailani’s new clothes for the first day of class came in, and she is SUPER impressed. Although they came in a bit bigger than we thought they would be. I am sure we can fix that somehow.

Today! I re-introduced her to David Bowie, and Princess Goes to the Butterfly Museum. Micheal C Hall sounds similar to Bowie. She seemed to enjoy both, so I hope she continues to listen to both. No pressure, she can listen to whoever she wants.

Just been so incredibly overloaded emotionally from many things ’round these parts. I won’t go into specifics, but I feel like saying “HEY, what about me?” .. LOL. I wish all the happiness and such for everyone I know and love, but damn. I also need downtime for myself. This week was insane in the membrane. Thankfully I have Monday off (booked vacation day) and I am going to enjoy it. Next weekend is Labor Day weekend. Two long weekends in a row. I don’t mind that.

I had a really weird dream last night. I won’t go into it, but LOL wow. I feel like saying get the eff out of my head. But what do they say, when you dream about something – it’s you- not them. Right? right.

My mother moved to Lazko Bc? Something like that? No one has heard from her since the move. People (including her!) expect me to be upset about the move. Not at all. For one, she picked a huge argument with me (for no reason except that’s what she does with me. And often! I don’t fight back either.. ) before the move. For two – why would I be upset if she says this will make her happy? For three, it’s not like she’s actively in our lives anyways. I mean the last time I saw her I would say was back in 2014. We’re in 2021 folks. 20-fucking-21. So no – I am not upset that she moved X amount of miles and hours away. To me, she’s always been miles away from me anyway. When she messaged me to say she was leaving the next day, I said “good journey”. What else should I say? 

I also get questioned A LOT by peeps when they can’t reach me instantly. “What are you doing?” .. Picking my arse with a fine toothed comb.. fuck!@! Seriously, not much. We’re stuck housebound until COVID pisses off… so anything I can do homewise, I will do it. If I am WoWing I always hear from people. If I am working out, same thing.

I’ll be quite frank about today. Kind of boosting my own ego for a change. My own self- if you will. I happened to look down today, and noticed some of my “roll” haha, is not there anymore. That and I made a quick glance at my backend tonight. I thought DAMN, I have been working on that butt haha… and my back to me is looking much better.  Well hell why not boost myself up? All I keep hearing around the world is negative. Gotta think positive. The workouts are helping with stress release, and hell if I can tone up this blubba why not? (Yes I can poke fun at myself.. I am entitled damn it! :P)

Really really REALLY craving new ink.  Like I really want some new ink .. With rules and how tattoo artists are overloaded as hell right now, that prob won’t happen any time soon. Sighs. I get it.

I noticed when I get too emotionally burnt out, I pull away. I shut off and do my own thing. I mean everyone has to work on their own mental health. If you feel overworked, then take your own space. That’s what I do. Sometimes it irks people because I step back but I have to. I deal with WAY more than anyone else I know. I am usually standing alone and I am OK with that. Others need constant reinforcement and sometimes I can’t be that person. I can’t always be what others need me to be, if that makes sense. Especially when I have had to deal with A LOT on my own. I’ve learned from a young age on how to take care of my own needs.. and how to protect myself.  I can be there for others, but when my own emotional needs take a slashing, I need to breathe and re-focus. 🙂

With COVID especially – So-many-people are divided. I can’t handle FB half the time anymore. So many people are angry, and taking it out on other people. Projecting? Is that what it is? Projecting their frustrations on others. I just don’t discuss COVID at all on FB. Sometimes I’ll re-tweet articles on Twitter, but that’s as far as I go.  I really wish the world wasn’t as divided as we are right now.

I shouldn’t have to defend my decisions when it comes to keeping myself, or my family safe. People have legit said to me “you need to just accept COVID” . No, I actually don’t need to accept it. If I choose not to go out shopping, it’s my fucking choice. If I choose not to travel right now because I dont’ want to risk getting COVID, I should not be judged or run down or picked apart for it. (Please note, I am used to being judged my entire life.. so this is nothing new. But it gets fucking annoying as shit after awhile). I don’t fucking care what other people choose to do. If you want to risk it, fine. My son has. Other people I know have. If I choose for my OWN safety and the safety of my children to not do something, people should accept that. If you don’t – that’s on you. I don’t know how I would handle getting COVID, or any of my kids. Especially with me having that chest cracky crack thing. Like come on people. I wish some weren’t so selfish. 

I would LOVE to travel right now. You have no idea on how much I need a vacation. Like a real no bullshit vacation. But I don’t feel safe enough traveling. Not with the numbers. I shouldn’t have to justify my reasons. I hardly like to leave the house as IT IS right now. I mean just going to Shoppers to pick up meds gives me anxiety. 

My son picked on me a couple of days ago, for wearing a mask to check the mail. He asked me why I was doing it, and I replied “because I don’t trust people”. 

I don’t, it’s true.

Like.. This past year almost two now has taught me an awful lot about society.

Tonight someone posted court documents to a Victoria Rant/Rave group. A bunch of people are suing the Government because of the COVID regulations. I am not kidding. I haven’t even made it halfway through (court papers are a jive with me, I absolutely love reading them. I always have!) .. so many people….  So many. 

I don’t know how this case will go, but I wish them all the luck in the world. 

Bit of a subject change. Still want to change my name legally. BUT cost and all of the shite you have to do, makes me have to wait. It will happen, I just don’t know when it will happen. That will be a piece of me which will finally say goodbye to the past yo. It will just take some time. This is something I have wanted to do for an awfully long time. But – with everything happening, and LIFE haha, I have not been able to do so. Not yet. Sometime!

Holy hell my ribs and back are hurting tonight. Haha, I know a little piss piss whine whine… It’s all cool. I didn’t break anything far as I know. My body is just annoyed and that’s okay.

I took a picture of myself completely half awake this morning (just for the hell of it..). I really like the picture. I don’t know, for some odd reason I just look calm. Like it’s the “first thing in the morning” look. I haven’t posted it because.. I’ll be honest – I am picky about the pictures I put up haha. But I really liked the look on my face. It’s so weird how we do that to ourselves hey? 😛 Maybe sometime I will put it up. Who knows, we will see. One of those “I felt pretty might delete later” type deals? Hah!

Keep forgetting how I have two-tone eyes. I mean how many people fully take a deep look at themselves? Do we? If you don’t, go look in the mirror. Take a good, close look. Like not enough to deep kiss the mirror or something. But look at yourself. Your hair, your smile lines. Your eyes. Any freckles? Sun spots? Your smile? See, the little parts do make sense! They all make you! I know, I am weird.

I have really been avoiding my phone this week. Just because I am on it all the effin’ time for my role. It’s absolutely nothing personal. I just get turned off using it. I text, sure. Chat? Alright. But wow this week was nuttier than squirrel poop. Nothing major. Just super busy. 

When it’s safe, I really REALLY need to go and see a massage therapist. Possibly a chiro – That one I am on the fence about.

I DO need to go see a dentist and get these teeth fixed up. I have the insurance, just need to find time and such. 

Ohhh boy. Came across a song which was dedicated to me years ago. On a jukebox in a little eatery on Granville – connecting to Davie. The person played it because he wanted it stuck in my head. The eatery is long gone, but it’s such a sweet song. More Than Words – Extreme.

Such a beautiful song. Great memory flashing to the forefront. Awe. Time of night, time of night… haha. Thanks BW. Good memory.

Had a song dedicated to me on the radio before David was born. U2’s Mysteries Ways .. I haven’t listened to that one in years. YEARS. Hahaha, I will after this song. Not sure why I am into the nostalgia tonight, but why not.

I think I think that was in my horoscope .. that I’d be listening to old tunes which had meanings.. haha. Perhaps?

A friend of mine keeps wanting me to move.. and Like – I will be brutally honest. I have done the long distance move. Three times! Once to Toronto and back (long story). To Kamloops and from Kamloops to here. Do y’all think I REALLY want to do that again? I mean if prices keep going up to the point we can’t survive, perhaps. But I really -really- don’t want to do it again. It’s such a pain in the ass to do long distance moves.  I mean unless it’s a real benefit for us. Otherwise, hell no.  I can’t do that to the kids. Way too much of hassle and stress. Like I get thinking it would be a great idea for us, but.. I don’t know.

Ever have that second of wanting to either belt out a song (even though you suck?) or scream? Yeah, me too.

When it is safe to do so, I want to take a long LONG walk around Downtown Vancouver. Around the West End mostly. To re-walk through places I lived around when I was a teen. I mainly grew up in the West End of Vancouver. I miss it. The people, the culture. I haven’t lived there in years, but when we lived there I loved it. Even though we moved and it was my choice (the kids… gotta make the kids comfortable right?) .. I still miss it. Need to walk around, walk downtown and walk to Stanley Park. Not too far in, but enough to enjoy it.

I think on Monday I am going to head up to Uptown and see if Spirit is open yet. I wanna see the Halloween stuff. Not going to go nuts, but I want to see what is available. Double mask that face omine because as I said, I don’t trust people.

Just thought about something. I have been dealing with Chronic Pain for many effin’ years. Like ever since that car accident. Thankfully my back only acts up once in awhile. Just the shoulders which act up now. They fight me all day every day. I have learned to adjust when possible but DAMN do they get annoying.

I want to eventually get up to Cache Creek and pay my respects. I asked my son to do it when he drove back, but they didn’t go through there. I hope to someday. When it’s safe. 

I am SO glad for this 3 day weekend. I can take my time, not have to rush.. and enjoy myself. Well aside from pain but BUT that’s who I am … 😛 I work out to blow off steam, to help myself and hopefully help my body get stronger. I mean damn – look what I have done?!? 😛

Really writing tonight because I needed to release. Wasn’t awake enough today to play too much of WoW.. I played for about a hour then turned it off. Legit the second I log into WoW I get slammed with messages. When I log out to respond, people go instantly quiet. It’s SO odd! 

I am in the mood for another long cemetery walk … sometime soon. I really need to just go outside away from humans. Humans are .. yeah. LOL I know we’re all human, but some humans are just nasty.

I wish for this pandemic to peacefully end. So the kids and I could go out and do something together. But right now, with people being incredibly divided .. I doubt that will happen any time soon. We’re losing precious time because people are either – ignorant, selfish or a insane mixture of both. Just from experience of course.

I want to go over to Vancouver. I really want to see my grandmother. I won’t go over there until I know it’s safe. I mean sure people are judging me for my choice. But – sorry .. not willing to risk nothing, not a thing. Nope. 😛 (Yes, I have run into this a lot as of late. People not respecting my wishes… It happens.)

Ahhh Bloodstained Heart came on. Perfect timing. Love this song and absolutely love this video. <3

Still wanting to get a tattoo which matches this song. I haven’t been able to get my thoughts drawn into a design that I want for the rest of my life. Maybe sometime. 

Oooh it’s almost midnight. Guess I should get my tuffta into bed. Tuffta? Ass? Butt, body whatever. Besides, it’s comfortable haha… Buttcheeks? well I mean technically you’re laying down in bed, so you’re not on your ass. 

Hah, sorry I needed to be a smart ass.  I gotta be meeeee…. 

Okay after this song – bed. Need to find something to watch – and chill-r-out. 

 

 

 

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