Things.

When I am fully vaccinated .. I am going to take a night over to the Mainland. Tell the kids here of course, but then sneak over without telling anyone. Just go over there and be by myself for a bit.

Take a long walk along the beach (if I can, – if the weather doesn’t suck that day!) .. and just avoid all online communication.

Have you ever felt the burnout from social media? From having online access to everyone? It used to drive me nutty when people announced a break from Facebook. But, now I understand why. I fully understand why people take breaks and announce. 

Before I went to do my workout today, I was going to hammer out a incredibly filtered post. About what I have been dealing with emotionally. Yet – I didn’t bother. 93 minutes of working out took that ridic thought out of my mind and kept it to myself.  I felt so effin’ amazing after that workout. I keep reminding myself that I used to walk from Sowden to the skytrain. This workout has more miles than that workout. I hope it works out… 

Also – the thought of announcing on Facebook that I am taking a break? Would worry the living piss out of my grandmother. She’s struggled enough lately and I won’t do that with her. So i’ll just quietly piss off for the moment. Only answer messages and such. Even that will be sporadic.

What do they say – if you think about yourself… you’re obviously a narc. Absolutely not. I am trying to salvage being invalidated. Old horrible emotions and questions came back.. and I know I will absolutely never hear an full apology. SO .. after talking to my sister and crying a bit (she doesn’t know, due to the power of hiding behind a keyboard!) .. That, and thinking to myself  “All you’ll hear is people trying to deny what happened..” and FUCK I wish Arthur was here.. (I know, that is completely selfish on my part. As I know he’s not here well not in the physical can pick up a phone and call and talk to him about this… CURSES!! lol..)  I wouldn’t bother writing about it. Writing about it will just trip the memories all over and I don’t want it even more than I have it right now.

Then again, as of late? If I think about myself instead of others… I’m not supportive, or a narc, or what-everrrrr….. Dude, please. People have an absolute right to think of their life and experiences. To keep their mental health in tack, and think of themselves for once. It’s allowed 😛

I swear my life could be one of those Lifetime movies. Or an episode or four of Dexter. Y’all never know.

What is that old saying? “If you’ve never walked a mile in anothers’ shoes, you have no right to judge!” Bitch, I walk 8 miles a day on this workout I am doing… and people still judge! Not worth it nman… 😛

What also people don’t realize is this. There ARE certain things/words/phrases/days which trigger old memories. I really wish it hadn’t to be honest. I also wish I hadn’t of gone through this but I can’t change what has happened in the past. Keep people thinking .. In the interim, I am not going to talk about it. Just really fucking bummed that this has triggered old memories of old pain. Like I really want to deal with this ALL OVER AGAIN. Then again back then it taught me how to be even stronger than I am. I’m used to dealing with shit on my own. As I said before – my shoulders were built ahead of time to carry stuff. It happens! 

Please stop hiding behind the behaviors. Please stop excusing the behaviors. JUST, stop. Excusing the behavior is just as horrible as committing it. K thanks. 

The majority just go “oh you can just get over it..” To those, I politely say “go away.” .. 

NOW I know people have had shit happen in their life. Its all a learning experience. Believe me, I have done some really stupid shit in my life. I have said some really stupid shit in my life. I will NEVER deny that.. 😛 .. I have forgiven myself (because, I have to forgive myself..) ..

Geez I sound depressed don’t I? No… not depressed. Just really rather burnt out from social media. I mean, I remember the days when Facebook was fun. Now it’s just a tool people use to keep track of each other. Or catch up on others’ crap 😛

Oh and again to those in the cheap seats. Invalidating someone’s experiences and emotions? Is a form of abuse. Look it up. 

Oh, I bought one of those jug water bottles. Just to see how much water I drink in a day. Today it was 6 litres… but man did I feel like I was floating.. haha – perhaps I will stick to 4. 

What I have been doing every night before going to bed? I lay on my pillows, and I take 3 deep breaths. to help me re-focus and be ready for the next day. 2-3 ish. It helps ! Especially deep breaths.

Man, do I ever want a new tattoo right now. Sometime soon, I hope!

Again this weekend? I hear nothing from no one right? The second I go into a workout, or to play Wow, my messages go off. I just ignore them. Like – I will be sitting here ALL day and hear nothing from nobody. I log into WoW and KABOOM. I swear it’s like a sixth sense or something LOL.. Like c’mon let me play a game. I haven’t been able to play a long round due to messages.. I have got to figure out how to turn it off when I am playing.

Man, NKOTB is totally cheering me up tonight. Totally. 🙂

I seriously almost made a new Facebook profile tonight. Just to reclaim the peace. But I thought about it, and I thought no… I won’t do that right now. I will just take a break. Delete the app from my phone if I need to. 

I’ve also noticed the pandemic has changed people. Some good, some bad. Some inbetween. But its yet again, another learning experience. Y’all just go with the flow.

Oh… and to remind. I can’t resolve everyone’s issues. I can give advice. But that’s all I can do. I am only human. 😛

Still wanna write my memoirs. Someday… 

 

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