Just not feeling it.

Kind of feeling a little emotional tonight. Well, that I am exhausted. Mentally and physically BUT – I am working through that.

I just.. I’m kind of getting a little frustrated in the sense of the word here. Normally nothing offends me. I am the strongest person I know. I always carry things on my shoulders and in my head. Nothing offends me, as I am so used to -all- sorts of shit happening.. that when someone says something it’s like “Oh, is that all” WOOOOOWWW… Seriously, I am so de-sensitized to shit, it’s not even funny.

It comes from my current years of .. stuff. That’s all I want to categorize it as. Stuff. Things which sit in suitcases in your “backyard”, so to speak. You try to move on from them, hopefully bury them unless you absolutely need to worry about them.

Lately it’s been a constant that someone WANTS to talk about past “stuff”. I don’t mean what is currently happening in the world around us. No, that is just more than horrible and it needs to be addressed with the proper authorities. I digress.

I normally don’t talk about my life. I just don’t. I think there are far bigger things to worry about in this world right now, than the many piles sitting on my shoulders, in my head or suitcases. I mean – life is life. You just need to roll with the punches right? Shit happens, you roll on.

Well..

I don’t think the respect is entirely there anymore – if that makes sense. As of late people (not just one or two..) have been bringing up things from the past. Things which are setting off depression, old hurt emotions, old emotional pain. I am being pushed to discuss things that honestly – I don’t care to do so.

Yet, and the thing is this. If I don’t talk about it, I am being labeled “not wanting to support” and that I am purposely being this way. Oh good lord no. Do you think for one moment I don’t want to be supportive? I always want the best for my friends and family. I always have. Even from a young age!

The thing is though, people have boundaries. They have things in the past which they remain stay there. Unless they absolutely want to talk about it. Lately it seems like topics of discussion are just dragging up old hurt. It feels like my boundaries are not being respected. If I say I don’t wish to discuss something, leave it alone. Unless I absolutely feel comfortable with you, and comfortable talking about this.. 

Like unless you’ve walked in my shoes 110% of the time, you have zero idea.

I understand everyone goes thorugh stuff in their life. Life isn’t always horrible either, I mean there has been some decent times in my life. I just, some things I wish to keep away.

Please stop asking me how SO AND SO made me feel. (SO and SO could be anyone, FYI. Not connected to anyone in paticular, it’s just an example.) Please stop referencing current subjects with things which happened to me. I’ll smile, nod and not respond.

Like when someone or people constantly disrespect your boundaries – what do you do? Do you ghost them? Do you continue to keep to yourself, like you have since childhood.

I get it, life moves on life changes… bring on the country music and the pale ale. It’s just some things people don’t wish to keep beating a dead or DEADER horse on. I wish to keep things behind me, not keep digging old past shit up.

It almost feels at times that I push people away. I do when they keep pushing discussions I do not wish to have. It’s just.. I like not having to worry about people/places/things I cannot control. 🙂

I need sleep.

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