days.

It’s been a hot minute since I have been in here. Just – way too tired and frustrated to think really.

I seriously pissed off my left shoulder .. and no amount of bio-freeze is helping. It’s alright, I will deal I alllways do. 

My house is a mess right now. I have a mini-staycation happening in two days (5 days off!).. I plan on doing some de-cluttering (even more so!) and trying to clean up hardcore. I say plan on, hopefully my shoulders allow me to do so. Also, I hope the cats allow me to sleep. I haven’t had a solid nights sleep in weeks now. Eh, well roughly two weeks. The cats keep coming in my room and picking fights. The last time it got this bad, I had to finally shut my door and leave them out. I opened it for awhile to see if things would change. Was fine for a couple of weeks – and now back to this nonsense. It’s so bloody frustrating!

Not complaining, just tired. That and I pissed off a muscle in my chest which isn’t making sleeping easy either (and no, not my heart.. haha!) Wait, two muscles. But worth it. 

I have had this thought running through my mind for days now.  “It’s none of your business what other people think of you.” . Also “Unless you’re paying their bills, paying their rent and buying them food, it is absolutely none of your business what a person spends their money on!”. 

I had a kind of disturbing comment said to me a little over a week ago. Kind of to be honest – rather insulting comment. It was said in a passive-aggressive way. But enough for me to as they say “grey rock” . (I honestly didn’t know this was a thing until a week ago. No judgments!) .. 

I really loathe saying this haha, but “I am too old for this shit!” .. I am not focusing on it, the comment just was a really intense lash. I’ll be completely honest – if this was even 10, 15 years ago? I would have lashed back. This time – I closed the window and walked away. 

I seem to distance myself when people are really verbally insulting. Like – people seem to forget that all of us have different priorities. Instead of judging, one should REALLY walk in another’s shoes for a year. That’s all I would ask. For one year. Live another persons’ life for ONE year. Raise their kids. Live how they live. Then judge. Until then – unless it’s helpful? Please just shut the fuck up.

I go through months literally hating my name from past experiences. From the consistent bullying and abuse I received as kid (and even now!)… and then I get a “wow, I totally love your name!”..and then that switch goes off. To be honest, I still want to change my name. It’s been a thing in the back of my mind for decades. Seriously – decades. Anyone who has been close to me would know this. Right now, I only use what I want it to be – online -. People ask, and i make up a bullshit excuse about it.  I mean hell, people change their names all of the time. 😛

I want more ink. Seriously. I have ideas. Lots of them. 😉 Random, I know.

Kind of saddened that LA will be called off again this year. It’s just, I can’t risk it. There’s a few concerts heading that way too..but I can’t do it. I won’t risk my life and the lives of my kids … to take a break.

I think on my staycation (if the weather isn’t shit).. I’ll go wander over to that cemetery I haven’t walked before. Or maybe back over to Ross Bay? We shall see. Or I’ll just stay at home haha. I just booked the days off because I need time to think. 😛 Hell I could disappear in a cemetery and no one would find me.

I came across an old former friend of an ex (my first ex… hot damn! lol) on Facebook. Even though it’s been decades since I have seen him, and of course age – I recognized him right away. It just felt like this huge flash of memories.. (no, I didn’t add him. I just saw him as a “friend of a friend” and was like DAMN – I know who that is!) .. I didn’t know he was still alive to be brutally honest. But good to know (from the pictures I saw!) that he’s doing well. Not naming names – no drama here!

One day I wish to write my memoir. If even for something for the kids to hear someday. 

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