Thank the gods for a long weekend. // absolutely random post. 

I am hoping tomorrow has some decent weather. Hell, as long as it’s not pouring rain.. I’ll be set.

Sitting here tonight – after a incredibly emotionally draining busy as hell week. Headphones on, YouTube on one screen – this here blog on another. Unplugged, except for the headphones.

I initially just wanted to sit here and watch Mortal Kombat. (the movie, not the video game. Hell I don’t even think I own the game anymore..)But – decided music and my mind would do. 

That’s the thing. When times are rough in the mind – blast music. Hell, blast it when your mind isn’t doing circles. Calms even the savage of beasts.

Some 90s, early 2000’s – why not?

Nothing incredibly angry though. Just that light pop stuff? The stuff you would never find now, unless someone was blowing auto-tune.

Absolutely random thought. I am glad I lived in Vancouver when it was still soft, and left before it became hard. It’s always going to be my hometown but .. that’s pretty much it. 

I have been researching boundaries. More than I’d care to admit. Boundaries and other odd topics of things I need to continue to teach myself. I have a hell of a lot of learning and growing to do. You never stop learning! If you do, there’s a problem 😛

I really and truly need to purge this place. Gut the hell out of the house. Toss what isn’t useful anymore. We don’t need the majority of which is here. One of these days I’ll poke the girls hard enough to do the same. Poke them or cut off their internet to do it. Guess we will see what works. 

 

I honestly miss the late nights at the Duff. I know it wasn’t much to some, but hell.. we got out of the house. We enjoyed the loud music (aside from the male dancer swinging his thing in my face… seriously that happened!) .. it was -something- .. I know, randomness right? It was just so much fun. 

I now kind of understand why people turn to drugs and alcohol to deal with life. Life has a way of tossing massive, stinky, corn filled nasty febreeze that shit twice… shit in your lap. Now – I have fought that urge the mass majority of my life. No joke. I mean – it’s almost like a higher power wants me to cut down to my parents level of what they do. Nope. I won’t do it. I’d rather play 12 hours of WoW, than turn to either. But – I really understand. Anything to cover the pain. Anything to -not- deal with it, and numb it. Its easier to numb the pain than face it. 

I try not to discuss the ache I struggle with.  It’s easier to not discuss it. Besides, easier to focus on other things which are important. Like my kids, what the world is doing. Y’know? I find my strength in things which make sense. Or try to make sense. I mean they are the best things that happened to me -ever- in my life. They are the 5 reasons I know I did something right <3 

This world really and truly confuses me. It’s hard to explain. I don’t believe in this cancel culture. Nor do I agree with someone abusing another – if they don’t agree with them. I believe in love, not hate. I have been through enough hate to last more than 3 lifetimes.

For some odd reason – Eminem “Higher” is somewhat comforting. Seriously. 

I am struggling to put things in words. Things meaning emotions. I am not an emotional person, I had that taken away from me from a -very- young age. I wasn’t allowed to be a child. Hell, I wasn’t allowed to be a teen either. Everything up to this point, has been from life experience. I wasn’t taught how to love, or how to be empathetic. I learned this on my own, or from TV and movies. People wonder why I relate more to celebs, more than regular everyday people. I can tell you. Being locked in my bedroom from the time I could walk, to I was 14? Until I broke the last hook off my door, and threatened to run away. (Although I did run away, three times. Once at the age of four, twice at 15. Once to the Island – which is ironic seeing  where we live now hahaha!) I wish I wasn’t found. I made a point to not be found, but ya know. People look for you and find you after awhile.

Where the hell did that come from ?!?! Damn. Rotten memories. But – it helped.

Also thought about who I was back then versus who I am now. Bit more baggage. Larger suitcases to carry. More heartbeats around. More colorful. Doing things now I wasn’t allowed to do back then. It’s nice. 

Truly, listen to Eminem Higher. Its’ a great song.

I still think To The Moon and Back by Savage Garden describes me to a T. That, and “If ya wanna be bad, ya gotta be good” by Bryan Adams. Still love it.

What I miss? Cuddling on the beach. I haven’t done that in soooooo long! Someday, I hope. Oh gosh, I sounded like a whispy teenager. Cuddling on the beach is a comfort of mine.  I know, absolutely random thing to blog about. It just came to my mind for some reason. 

Just now we worry about COVID. The numbers out here keep creeping. It drives me nuts. I wish for the days where I could just go over to the mainland for something to do. I miss Seattle. I miss my muse. But no… no now I am stuck in the house, where the only break I have is music. Love my kids, but every single parent needs a breather. 

My breaks as of late? Headphones on (don’t wanna piss off the neighbors) ignoring social media, my phone -anything- which causes me to concentrate on others. Eminem really helps. The music, I mean.

People expect way too much from me .. and there’s times I just have enough of the world – and melt into my music.  It offends people that I am not making myself available 100%. People need to breathe. I am struggling with my mental health with this pandemic. I won’t go into details (because I need to cope how I can..) but when I have a chance for downtime, I take it. It’s absolutely nothing personal. I just shut down and need to relax. I am here though and if it’s super important I will grab my phone, or what have you.

I know this post is I I I … Well, it’s a blog. A personal one. I am jotting down random thoughts. 😛 so poo on your shoe!

Also wanted to add. For someone to judge me -completely-, they would need to know my entire story. Nobody out there knows everything. The one person who was close, died. So yeah. 

Yes, I know I am not the only one who struggles. I know all of us are. I know everyone is struggling. It sucks. I wish that no one struggled and they just lived as happy as they could be. Without being stoned all of the time.

I wonder what the world is going to be like in 10 years from now?  Like if COVID will turn into something else?

I find I observe more than I vocalize. Sometimes it’s the best way to go.

Ooooh, Eminem Not Afraid.

I can’t wait for the day that I can hike back up the hills of Forest Lawn again… Miss Glendale. And Hollywood Hills. It’s a bloody long hike but worth all of the sweat, and tears. I love it. It’s an incredible view once you’re up there. I’m talking walking from the bottom to the absolute top. Where David is, even higher. Do it sometime. It’s such a feel.

I know, I am weird. I have this weird comfort for cemeteries. Well, it’s quiet. You can think. Plus some of those cemeteries have amazing views. I know, sounds morbid. I don’t honestly care. I think the goth in me is still kicking around. 

I would rather be weird, than be shaped out of a cardboard cutout. Right? Right.

I think it’s absolutely hilarious that people try to cancel Eminem. People have been trying this shit for decades. It hasn’t happened then. People whining behind a keyboard =- no chance. Funny though.

I also think its hilarious that youTube has bleeped Eminem, but play a song called WAP… make sense to anyone else? 

Wishing the photo print out things would come back.. so I could print some newer pictures and re-do our hallway photo wall. Well, I could print them out online and pick them up. But .. I like taking the time to pick them out and adjust. Which I guess you could do online. Meh. 

I plan on dying my hair for as long as I can. Although this current time my right shoulder and arm spazzed. No joke, muscle spam – shot pain right down my right arm. That hurt! I am going to mention that to the doctor tomorrow. I let it spazz, then I started dying again. I need to re-do it, as my sides didn’t dye. Right now I have bright orange hair. Last time I had orange hair, was in 2004. That long ago, hot damn!

My memory is great, but it’s a curse sometimes. Old memories come back at random. Make me either want to laugh, smile or cry. I try to avoid any reaction. 

I work out every single day. Joined this exercise site, and I really enjoy it. It helps, considering we can hardly leave the house. Been helping with energy and focus. I drink lemon water (fresh lemon, not lemon juice or fake juicy lemon shit..) I drink that from sun up til sun down. Or until; I just want regular water. It really does help! I keep coming across this fake other shit online…and I shut that down hard. 

Even though I type super fast, I have been plugging away at this since about 7 this evening. I’ve just been throwing random thoughts in here. It’s what, 9:13PM PST right now? Something along those lines.

Meh, checked the buses for tomorrow. Sunday schedule. Isn’t that a piss off .. wonder how much a cab would be from point A to point B? 

I finally cracked open that mouse… and hooked it up. Works quite nicely. 

Absolutely loving that door dash offers delivery from Petsmart. Was able to stock up on cat chow for the cats. and litter. Although litter goes much faster than cat chow.

Hard to believe that it’s been 10 years since I started struggling with my shoulders. It’s been like… almost 17 years since I left Vancouver (well, D and I !) for good. Time sure flies, holy shit. I know with the shoulder thing that they are perma-fucked.. and I deal. It just means I am broke. But that’s okay, other parts of my body are fubar’d too and thats OK. I don’t allow it to define me. 

I honestly think I (and I have said this before!) was created up above, and brought down below – with the widest shoulders you could create on a human. So that when massive piles of life gets tossed at me, I can keep on moving. I think they started to expand when I was little, and just took the abuse. Growing up – they just kept on carrying me so I can move forward in life. I mean come on – that has to be the only reason that they hurt as much as they do. They are carrying so much shit! (I know this technically isn’t the case. I know that the pain is from the medical conditions I have… BUT if you think about it. People always ask me how I am so strong. It has to be? Right ?? Right!)

I still think that someday, I’d love to have them replaced. I think they’ve handled enough – don’t you? 😛

Ah , life is life. There is nothing anyone can do about it. Just bring it. Laugh – trying not to break. Work through it. Hug when you can and walk away when you can. Take a breath . Cut the network if you need to. 

Still wanting to write my memoirs one day. i mean – just from everything I have seen and experienced. It’s just a fucking riot to be honest. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll hurl. Oh wait. Isn’t that a slogan from a movie? I kid. 

In the media, you hear people say “Oh, you need to stop the stigma against Mental Health. You need to reach out to people, see how they are..” 9 times out of ten, I bet those who preach this, don’t reach out. 

Sometimes I miss Kamloops. Sometimes, I don’t. 

Y’know what I’d absolutely love right now? A kind of “don’t you ever let me go” type of hugs. No kissing or fucking around. Just a deep emotional hug. It’s been way too long.

Music really does help calm things down. Anyone who says it doesn’t, is on some kind of glue.

Seriously in the mood and craving new ink. Reallllly wanting new ink. I know, not possible right now. I have tattoos which are in dire need of being fixed up and covered. Someday!

I am def not a house mouse. Nope. 

Still wanting to get the Crow burning Crow from the film tattooed. o

Finally washed that ongoing stuffed bag of masks. I washed them twice … because the last time the majority of them smelled like ass. Not this time! Due to the bag being stuffed, there are masks on the landing, D’s door and my door. We have TONS of cloth masks. But – we need them!

Random thought. I was burned in the inner thigh when I was 6, by a man with a smoke. I still have the scar. It’s something which comes to mind – why a stranger would do this to a innocent child? I had to talk about this years ago. Told it wasn’t what it was. Again – no judgments unless you have walked in my shoes. Or barefoot. Each time I see that scar, it reminds me again of how strong I have been. From the age of four when I hid in the basement of a stranger, to that – to much more moving on. <3

I am horrible. LOL. I order food for us. I eat my fries and maybe drink my drink. the burger goes in the fridge.

A friend picked up sweats from Disneyland that have sparkle on the side. They aren’t black, but I love them! So comfy, and I can lounge. They are super nice! Little big, but that’s okay. I want them baggy. 

Fuck. Just notified of a COVID infection at a middle school near our house. JUST PEACHY. BC needs to pull up their boot straps, and bring all the kids home again. Yes. I know some people can’t be around their kids all the time. But enough is enough. Fucking tired of my kids being exposed to something completely out of their control.

Sometimes if I can’t vocalize what is in my head, I just keep quiet. Shake my head, say “yes” or smile. Or not even that. 

It’s 10:20PM PSt. 

Still trying to throw random thoughts out there.

Oh, I know. I am a survivor of multiple things. Not entirely ready to discuss everything. But, – yeah. I have my scars. In more ways than one. It’s okay though, without scars you won’t heal. Am I right? 

Oh, my right shoulder and arm are angry as shit right now. Driving me nuts. I don’t want to go to bed yet. Tashi may try to wake me up at 5am again. Which is what I don’t want. I have things to do tomorrow. I have a doctors’ appointment. 

I honestly think the reason that people don’t talk, is this. They are afraid of being judged. Even though it’s not your business what others think of you. If they don’t like ya, they can move on. Right? 😛

One battery charged, working on the second one. I hope to make this worth it. Going to be SO bummed if it pours tomorrow. 

Oh damn, noticed missed calls. Just wasn’t in any sport of a mood to talk to anyone tonight. I am burnt out, tired, exhausted, emotionally drained. I have to tune out and get some time to myself. Everyone needs time for them – right?  It’s absolutely nothing personal to anyone. I just get so burnt out by the end of the week – that I need to unplug. 

Ugh. Being up since 5 is starting to bug me. (Boring or what eh?) OH MY GOSH I SAID EHHHH….

I wish I could live a year in LA. Just to see what it’s really like. Or even San Diego. I really loved the area when I was down there. It was sooo beautiful. I don’t know, maybe when the girls are on their own, and Austin is doing his thing? We shall see. I would love to though. 

What I miss a ton.. is DDR. We couldn’t set it up here if I wanted to but MAN… do I miss that game! Sigh C’est la vie.

I felt a calcium deposit in my right shoulder a week ago. It was a big one.. creeped me the hell out. I know it wasn’t my actual shoulder- you can tell. It was SO creepy! I know they can come up to the surface, so to speak. It was like this rock which was loose, or something. Really crazy feeling. But hell, my body is all sorts of nuts – so it doesn’t surprise me.

I’m kind of enjoying the quiet right now. Aside from the usual. I honestly don’t function well when there is a shitload of drama running around. I prefer just living a pretty quiet life. I was created into a introvert when I was little. Still running the introvert logo.. I like things calm, collected (well for the most part!) and not having to deal with nuttiness. I hope this continues, I really really do. <3

Ohhh.. friend posted about San Diego. MAN do I wanna go back! I was only there for a few days back in 2019. I hope to take off there again someday. Just disappear over there for a few days. Refresh, and come back. 

I have a feeling though, that there will be no California trips for atleast another year. Unless something seriously changes. I suspect that after COVID has shifted, we’ll see another mess hit. It happens. Nothing goes quietly. Think about the past for a moment. Sure, people are putting a shitload of faith into vaccines. But – with all of the side effects and the rushing of COVID vaccines… plus our numbers are going stupid high.. Why would you think vaccines are the do all, end all. Yes I know that is a one-sided argument. I am not against vaccines. My kids are vaccinated, so no – not against. I am just wanting more testing, more proof these things actually will resolve this. Until then, call me a big ol’ skeptic.

Would love for the girls and I to travel someplace sometime. I plan on taking them to Seattle once it’s safe. Notice I said “once it’s safe”. Safe meaning pandemic is settled.. etc.

I would love to take them further out of course. BUT – I need to see how they would handle Seattle first. At least with Seattle we could fly or ferry it home. LA is a bit further of a distance. Same with San Diego. One step at a time.

11:23PM PST… still listening to music.

Charging my phone now. Listening to Pink. 

I think my blog has been semi- publishing this when I have been plugging away. So bloody funny. Wonder if this is the longest one I have put up? I don’t know. I don’t know how long this will be up. I get bored, shit gets password protected or deleted.

Yes, my mind is this messy. 

I’m so warped. No, I don’t mean my sick sense of humor (because, that has never left!) .. since working out, my body is warped. Like my arms, my legs… Meh – I am sure this will pass eventually. 

Watching the Pink Trouble video… love it when she tosses the men over the bar. Hahaha… 

I like to learn something new every day. If it’s online, or offline. My mind is always open. I learned from a parent years ago how to be close-minded. I changed that thought process the moment I left at 16.

Writing about struggles – online, offline – emotionally, physically … I know everyone is struggling. No one is living without a struggle. No one is perfect. Everyone walks their own path, their own struggles. Absolutely. Please don’t think that talking about your struggles in life, are pairing one against the other. 

I don’t have any regrets. Everything in life has been a learning experience. Just gotta move with the flow! 

I hope if anyone finds this, and read -all- the way through this… that you wake up having a great day. Think positive. The world is a different place, but everyone will make it through it. <3

 

Okay it’s 11:47PM PST. I think I need to go to bed. Or something like it. I have things to do tomorrow 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *