Sometimes.

I am sitting here trying to think of blog material.. and fighting with the mixed voices in my mind. The you know, completely sarcastic type. Fuck – why can’t people just be nice to one another for a gd change?

I don’t know.

This past month has to be brutally honest… horrible for me physically. I can’t wait until Thursday for my doctors appointment. 

Holy freaking hell has my body been incredibly angry. Or fighting me? I don’t know.  I won’t go into specifics, but holy shit this can stop please? One week without things flaring on me would be NICE K thanks.

I also forgot how horrible I feel after taking Toradol. I’ve been having to take it due to this tooth nonsense.. (yes I know – piss piss whine whine!) and my god.. the gut rot, the edema. Yikes. I can’t take Advil otherwise I’d go that route.  It’s like, I can sit here and bawl my eyes out in pain, or suffer the consequences of side effects. What does a person do? I don’t even know.

All I know is, I can’t wait to talk to the doc this week. Holy smokes. Like I’d say August going into September ..and now going into October (okay, more than a month..) is driving me up the wall. With major force. I have been fighting through it as best I can. Putting on a smile as best as I can. I mean the kids don’t need to worry about me. It’s just the a-typical thyroid nonsense.. some days it’s a bitch but I make it through. I have to. 🙂 Remember – wide shoulders, built to deal with a lot of shit. 

I exercise every day, so I don’t end up putting on weight from this household nonsense. I am not doing long walks because of effin’ COVID..  But ye gods, this could end any time soon. Age? Pain ? I don’t even know.

I know, I am pitying myself. Well ya know – I really don’t have anyone to vent to. So here I am, head in hand.. complaining on my blog because I can haha!

I am also noticing I run in spurts when it comes to my house. Right now? I want to toss the majority of shit which is here. Fuck waiting for recycling to open. I just want to grab a box full of garbage bags – and toss the lot. I am just done with so much clutter (and yes, I know some of it is mine!).

Then I have ideas running through my mind. I see shelves downstairs. I see shelves in our hallway upstairs. I see a somewhat tidy laundry room (scuze, while I fall over..) . or bathroom . 

Then the anxiety hits, my mind goes “fuck that!”..and I sit and quietly stew.

I want to do something with my upstairs bathroom. I want to rent a steam cleaner and clean carpets, but uh.. I can’t. Unless I can find a place which rents steam cleaners. I mean to be honest, this whole place could use a deep clean. Wonder if I could find a professional to do it, and for a decent price?

One of these days I will though. Just buy the biggest box of garbage bags that I can. Toss anything we don’t need/use/want ..end of discussion. Once I get brave enough to do so. Or wired enough to do so. 

I am so wired. Wired, in pain – and just worn the hell out – if that makes sense? Kind of just itching to go away. To go and do something. I won’t, because I am not selfish. I want us to stay healthy. But damn… 

Just the world, the news – the judgments.. HOLY .

I wish it was ten years ago. We were in Kamloops but life was SO much different. Right now, it’s so fucking dark and scary. Not our lives but the world in general. 

I sit in the shower and cry sometimes.. as well no one can hear me. I have to let loose some of the time.  I have to watch what I say or who I talk to. I’m consistently told what I can and cannot talk about. Or told “I don’t want to hear it..” So.. I generally don’t talk a lot. I have a cell phone but the only time I use it is mainly day to day stuff or if I have to. Otherwise, I hardly look at my phone. Unless I have to do so.

This coming from a person who was consistently glued to that thing. Like super effin’ glued.. Ask anyone my nick name as a young adult was “cell phone girl”. No jokes!

Well, I mean I still take pictures with it. But really that’s it. I dunno, I guess being on a phone all day long turns me off. Plus well – honestly being dictated to I just say fuck it. I know, it almost sounds like I feel sorry for myself.

I don’t really. Please don’t think I do. I really do not. I find other things to do. Like re-organize my bedroom, or play WoW.. I mean I have to keep my mind going. Or sit here like I am now, planning the next month . Budget-stuff, gotta love it 

I have the 25th to the 31st off. I am going to hopefully do what I need to do – and take some time for myself.  Why not? I would have if I was in California… pout pout …

The world is a mess, and yet I feel bad I can’t go to Cali this year. MAN where is my mind? I don’t know, anywhere from the shitty news which is out there.

Oh and random. I miss the hills in Kamloops. Like walking up the hills in Sahali? I miss those horribly. I don’t know why. Good exercise? 😛

I know, completely random and makes no sense. Do not worry, I don’t plan on moving any time soon. I just  I can’t go through that again. Too much of a pain in the arse. Plus the girls would ring my neck and keep on ringing. 

I think this is the longest we’ve been in one place to be honest. End of December it will be 7 years here. Not too shabby, for a single parent with a handful of kids. Hey? Hey? XDDD

Another random thing – I want to re-do the pictures in the hallway. But the printer things at Walmart are shut down at the moment… SIGH. Curse you COVID…

I want another tattoo. I do. I want to feel the needle. YES I DOOOOOO 😛

I had a small trigger happen over the weekend. I think I dealt with it as best as I could. Clam up, not talk about it – move on. I’ve kind of half-assed taught myself how to deal with those things they call triggers.

Example – I was watching Melrose Place and a storyline they had? Reminded me of a past issue. I won’t go into specifics or explain.. But I managed to look away – focus on something else. It works, believe it or not. When I say a trigger – I don’t mean in a good or bad way. Although with my life hahaha it’s hard to say which is which.

I keep telling myself that life has a way of throwing you a monkey wrench of sorts.  You just have to make it through the good and the bad. 

I still think my memoirs would be an interesting movie. LOL. 

I need sleep. After this song. XD

 

 

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