I don’t even know.

It’s been one of those weeks.

My head hurts.

I’ve been triggered by old anxieties and I have zero people to talk to about it. 

I am a bit ticked because a item I wanted since last year, came in shattered.

I am sitting here listening to music and trying to ignore Social Media. Not up for chatting. To be honest, I am not up to much this weekend. This week dragged on something fierce. The tooth pain really placed a damper on things.

I just wrote an entire blog, and completely deleted it. It really didn’t say what I wanted to say. Sounded all “woe is me” and “boo boo hiss hiss”… and really? Not in the mood for sounding like a ghost on crack.

I am counting down for when Apple finally releases the latest phone specs. Looking forward to finding out what they are. Yes, I will be getting the new phone. No, I will not bow into the judgment calls I constantly receive for my choices. 

Speaking of which – do people -really- pay attention to what they say? Do they understand that saying “Well why do you” and “Well, no offense”… really is incredibly offensive? I know, I am horrible for it myself. 

Oh my gosh, listen to me. I sound like I am trying to be politically correct. When no, no I am so far from being politically correct it’s not even funny.

Benn has the fluffiest freaking tail, like – ever. EVER. Starr has his nuts hanging to the world right now. (Yes, I said this crudely, no I won’t apologize.)

I think I need to do a bit more research on certain topics. I just want to be armed with the most amount of education possible – with certain things.  I’ve noticed that ever since BLM has come into full-force, I am noticing more and more unacceptable behavior. I caught myself actually.. I mean it’s something I need to keep looking into. I’ve just noticed as things go on.. how incredibly racist some of the people I know truly are. Like wow. I understand – as I was raised around someone who is horrid that way. But wow. We need to re-teach ourselves language. We need to read, educate and move ahead. This backwards thinking is not the way to go. Of course I would never tell someone how to live their life… but I don’t have to be around it either.

What’s so incredibly frustrating? Not being able to just have a conversation, without hearing “well you need to move.” Granted I don’t appreciate the shitty customer service I receive out here. BUT , moving is so not an option for us. People keep thinking it’s so easy to up and move. I don’t have the means, I don’t want to uproot my kids. The move here took a hell of a lot out of us. Besides, I couldn’t leave my sons alone in BC. David is still mad that I moved here, let alone move even further away.

I never thought I would say this, but. I don’t hardly feel connected to anyone at the moment. Well aside from my kids, because they are my kids. I try. I do. I try to talk about topics of conversation which benefit others. Just to have a conversation, you know? But in my mind, something beeks at me and says “well,  dude when is it your turn?”.. Happens often. I just try not to talk, because I don’t know what are triggers for some. I really don’t. Lately life has been a trigger for everyone. Like – if you talk about COVID, someone gets mad. If you talk about life, someone gets mad or tells you they don’t want to hear it. So what do you do? Nothing. Music works? Or come in here to let loose. I tell ya, after I blog (somewhat, I dont’ talk about everything which comes up haha!) I feel somewhat better. The tension somewhat comes down.

That, and music does help. 

What really annoys me? I keep Facebook open – as I leave that available due to my daughters. Wanting to make sure they can reach me any time. Right? I don’t leave it on or open for people to carry on conversations about shit which means nothing to me. I mean when I try reaching out, I get shut down. Then I get flack because I don’t instantly respond when I am busy. What the heck do you want me to do? Turn into a octopus, and yank all my tentacles all over the place? Like, I don’t even know what to even do.

Sometimes, I feel like I am re-living high school. Even though I didn’t finish high school. GED for the win! Sometimes I wish I could just hop in a jet and fly to areas unknown. Shut all forms of media off, and ignore the world. The odd thing is? We wanted this technology. We wanted to be able to communicate and speak when able to. But now? Now it just annoys the living hell out of us. Technology at it’s finest, lemme tell you.

I hope it doesn’t pour all this weekend. Wait, now do I? 😛

What I want to do, is put in a shelf unit thingy in our hallway. So I can proudly show more of my collection. See if Austin wasn’t downstairs, this house would be Stitch’d .. Guaranteed. It would be, haha! Well, within reason. I mean I’d have shelves downstairs with some of my Stitches. Well, who knows?

Ever lived your life being consistently under a magnifying glass? I have. It suuuucks so hardcore. I just wish people would you know, find someone else to judge. Or how about not judge at all? Is that such a difficult thing? I guess so eh?

 I know. I have judged in the past. I know I have. I kick myself and hard for being such a judgmental arse sometimes… I try not to be. I try to keep my thoughts to myself. It’s just not worth it. Be nice, yo!

Like an example. I will mention a song I like. Someone will almost always say “oh that asshole”. Or something else. I don’t understand. If you don’t like it, there is no need to comment. I just, I do not understand humans. Why so much anger? I don’t get it? Humans are not born to hate.

I just, I find that I pull away quite a bit as of late. I just, I don’t relate to some conversations. I don’t relate to a few things out there. I find after the day ends, I just want to tune the world out. I mean – what I wish to talk about, I am not -=allowed- to do so, so I just don’t bother.

Before I go on and on, I am going to head to bed. Perhaps sleeping (or hoping I can sleep tonight!) will clear my mind. I dunno, this week has really worn me out. I think the negativity of the world is just draining me out. Lack of sleep is also draining me and kicking my arse. 

I feel this cool air floating around my room. My sister did say our grandfather watches us, whoo knows. I would like to hope that my friend is close by. I wish you could pick up the phone to heaven, and talk ya know? I am not paying a psyhic because who knows if they are legit or not. Besides, he’s prob living his best life wherever he is up in those fluffy fart clouds. 

You know, I was thinking about what a friend said to me… and I wonder. So if I didn’t buy anything, a person thinks I am broke (but it could be personal choice, right?). If I do shop or buy anything, I am told “Oh you are addicted to shopping.” So – curious what is it? Can you shop and not be an addict, or not choose to buy anything, and not be broke? I don’t get it. 

I really need a break. I need to be able to breathe and to just, cut myself off from social media and enjoy things. 

Okay. bed. no not bed, but outta the blog.







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